Holding On to My Life...

I walked around Seville, Spain yesterday.  The history of this place is amazing.  The beauty of the city is breathtaking.  Of all the places I've been to in Spain, Seville has the deepest diversity.

It is incredibly hot here.  After a week in the mountains my body wasn't ready for the intensity of the sun.  By 3:00 I was feeling a bit dizzy...and really emotional.

Last week I taught English.  I was surrounded by Spanish adults in a remote mountain village.  In that isolation we bonded.  A quick family that said good-bye on Friday.  It is one of those times when you say, "We'll keep in touch."  It never happens.  That's ok, the memories will stay in heart and mind.

Here in Seville, my emotions came to the surface.  Last night I couldn't keep them inside.  It is frustrating because staying in a hostel there is no privacy.  People are everywhere.  In the room, in the garden, even in the bathroom.

I finally escaped to the roof.  No one around I let the tears come.  I've been so lost out here.  Everyday I wake up and I wonder what is wrong with me.  This trip is a chance of a life time.

Last summer was so different.  Things clicked out here.  I found my way.  I didn't want to go home.  Now I count the days until I go home.

My first summer that I'm with someone that I truly love, that I want to be my future, and I made the choice to leave and come here.  The mix of emotions that come with that are hard to explain.  There's a great sadness that I cannot seem to shake.  I carry it with me each day like a backpack.  Each city I go to I hope this sadness goes away and it never does.  It lingers like an unwelcome traveling campanion.

This summer I have realized that my life at home is much better than being out here.  At home I have someone to share with.  This realization has come with conflict because I've never been in a position where I even wanted to share.  I've been alone.  At home I am not alone, and I am a better person.

Out here I am alone again and it is almost unbearable.  I don't want to be out here alone anymore.  I want to be home where someone knows me and loves me.

I am not sure how this journey will play out.  Right now I take it day by day.  I do know that I am leaving Seville and the intense heat.  I am heading for the beach tomorrow.  Being near the water always gives me some clarity.

I see my love on Friday.  He says we will be getting to know each other again.  The anticipation is a bit overwhelming.  I am so happy that we will be together, yet I'm nervous.  Like a teenager waiting for her first date to arrive at the door. 

Funny, last summer I spent a month in Spain letting go of all the pain I was carrying around.  It happened.  I came back home ready to move forward.  This past moth I've spent each day holding on to what I have at home. 

Funny how a year can change everything.  Isn't it?