Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Still Standing For The Moment...

So it is my last night in Bordeaux.  This has to my favorite city I visited in France.  Very old, very quaint.  Still haven't gotten my travel legs but I think I am getting there...well...maybe not.

I do know that Bordeaux is small enough for me.  My first night I met a man who bought me a beer and let me use his phone to call the USA and check in with my guy...very nice.  He later wanted me to go back to his flat...so much for just being neighborly...guys are guys I guess, even in France.

This is the thing...I'm just not really fitting in anywhere.  I'm just not feeling comfortable.  I am hating this...you have no idea.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  In Spain last summer it didn't take this long to get it together.

I'm sitting here right now in the stairwell of my hotel because the reception is closed at this hour and it is the only way I can get online.  I have tears running down my face because really the.only thing I want to do is go home...but I can't...No matter what I cannot let this beat me...but right now it is completely and toally kicking my ass...and I don't know how to make it stop.

My gay husband says that I am living the dream...I know he is right.  I am so thankful that I am able to travel like this...it is a dream come true.  What he doesn't know is that there's another dream I'm living a million miles away...a dream I've waited my whole life for...someone to share my life with.

The thing is I know that I need to accomplish something out here...what exactly is yet to be determined...right now I feel like I am fluttering into failure and I'm scared.

My gay husband, who has been my dearest friend for 20 years, completely "gets" this type of journey.  He has mentored me both in travel and in my writing.  Now he has other things he has to do...his own path...he doesn't have time or space for my insecurity.

Even though I understand this intellectually, my heart is hurting.  The abruptness of it all feels like a black hole.  I am not sure how to wrap my head around the fact that I am going to take the rest of this journey without him...I'm not sure this will happen, but my gut is telling me that we will be on the outskirts of each others lives for a bit.  That happens in friendships...

For now I go to Spain...my love...my place....

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