Saturday, July 17, 2010

Trust A World Away

It is an interesting thing being in a relationship and taking a two month trip a world away. To say you miss the other seems terribly trite…I mean I would be worried if I didn’t miss him.

Over the last eight months I’ve been building a life with this other person. Not just a life, a future…someone to hold hands with me when I’m 90, you know?

Now, here we are living these separate lives yet trying to stay as connected as possible.

Before I left we talked about being afraid of what might happen while I was away on my trip. The unknown…you know…

Abandonment issues linger and creep their way into my thoughts randomly as I’ve been out here. Look at my history, my own father couldn’t even stand to hang around.

I know I shouldn’t go there…that’s the opponent talking…the thing that likes to fuck with a person’s happiness…OK, opponent: leave me the fuck alone already.

Conflict enters the picture when I’m having a good time. I’m bonding with others at the hostel, or just out having fun at a bar. I’m laughing, I’m living…that’s what is supposed to happen, isn’t it?

I tell him about these good times, and there’s times his body language or tone of voice changes. I suddenly feel like I’ve done something wrong…I feel very defensive.

I want him to know everything I’m experiencing out here, but is that outside of his comfort zone?

Trust needs to be handled delicately. Both he and I have past baggage where our trust in others has been obliterated and scattered with the wind.

We need to trust each other more than ever right now.

Trust that we can live these separate lives for a minute but still stay connected. Trust that we are each other’s future, that an ocean cannot possibly kill this love we feel; and if it does, then trust that the universe has other plans.

Trust can be a true friend. Trust can lead us to great discoveries about ourselves and each other. These discoveries are then shared and we grow stronger.

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