Feeling a bit nostalgic I just read some of my posts from last summer's trip to Spain. As I'm reading I'm thinking to myself how different my life is now. I was asked last summer if my trip to Spain was my way of running away. At that time I WAS running, but at the same time I was healing and most significantly I was growing....I wonder if the person who asked me about running away has grown?
I've been planning my next adventure which begins in two months. My journey will take me to France, back to Spain, and to Portugal. Am I running again? Of course, but this time I'm running TO something...discovery, exploration, opportunity, and life.
One of my best friends, and gay husband, sent me a box of business cards this week. Under my name it says, "Teacher/Writer/Explorer," and the quote at the top appropriately states, "Not all those who wander are lost." Amazing what happens in a year's time, isn't it?
Last summer I left Virgina feeling lost and a bit broken. This summer I will leave knowing that this is the way my life SHOULD be. I'm supposed to explore and I'm supposed to write. As far as being broken...well, all is put back together and stronger than ever.
I wrote last summer that I am a survivor...that I've always achieved the goals I set. This is true...this last year I've made tremendous strides not only as a teacher, but as a writer, and as a woman. What is truly amazing is that the reality is so much sweeter than I originally visualized.
Sometimes I have to stop and wonder if all this is really happening. Am I about to travel Europe for six weeks on my own? Am I a homeowner? Am I really a paid writer? Am I at peace at my school? Am I in love for real this time?
Yep...it is REALLY happening...thanks...I'm enjoying each and every delicious moment...
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday...millions of people taking the once a year pilgrimage to their local church. My mother will hate this, but I don't really need a large building to give thanks to my higher power. However, like those millions I'm sitting here thanking God, Jesus, Allah, Mother Earth, and the Buddha for how my life has evolved in the last year.
Now I don't want this post to be some sick, love-struck rambling of a 45 year-old woman just discovering who she is...but I must say this is exactly how I feel now; right down to that effervescent glow one gets after having days of eye-popping, toe-curling sex.
Too much information? Know what? I really don't care. This feeling is just too SPECTACULAR and for you ladies who are in your 40's and going through those lovely pre-menopause changes, this is the time to truly discover who you are as a woman.
I don't mean just the sex thing. Sex is wonderfully intoxicating in your 40's, but self-discovery takes a soul to an whole other level.
I mean discovering who you are in all aspects of life. Do you ever ask yourself where your place is in this world? Or that fear evoking question, what exactly have I done in life that means something? Come on, you know exactly what I am talking about.
In the last year I've asked myself those same questions...and I am still striving to answer them. What has changed is that the journey to find the answers has become so delicious, so entertaining, so fearless...I'm just giddy with excitement.
I have learned one thing: I am not just one woman. I am many women all wrapped up into this 45 year-old body. I'm a teacher, I'm a friend, I'm a paid writer, I'm a traveler, I'm a lover. Oh God, I'm hearing Helen Reddy's song, "I am Woman Hear Me Roar" in my head...Not exactly where I wanted my brain to go, but do you get the picture I'm trying to paint here?
I wonder if the majority of women are this lucky - that they can truly find themselves as they journey through their 40's? I really hope so. Unfortunately, I think there are too many women who are just too scared to step outside of their safe little two car garage box...sadly, I think I am in the minority. Will the others learn before it is too late?
The thing is, I haven't done anything special. My life isn't something that Oprah would televise or anything like that...too boring for her. What I have done is to step outside of myself, to risk, and to have an unbelievable amount of faith that the universe would bring me exactly what I want.
What I want - and that is? You may or may not be thinking. Well, for one I want to be more than just a school teacher. I find nothing more pathetic that a middle aged, single school teacher who lives for her students. I want to write and actually be published and paid. I want to travel the world. Finally, I want what so many people crave...unconditional love from someone.
Today, as I said before, I'm feeling like a love-struck school girl. This so hard for me to grasp, but the universe has seen fit to send me this person who is on so many levels what I've been looking for my entire life.
I'm desperately to keep myself in the moment. For one, I know if I get too far ahead of myself, I'll fuck this up, but the MOMENT is so spine tingling that I feel the need to soak every last drop of love that is coming from this man. And believe me, in this case, "MAN" is exactly what this person is...more MAN than anyone I've ever met.
It is not just what he gives or what he does, it is WHO he is. How he LOOKS at me. How he TOUCHES me. Just the look he gives, or the brush of his hand on mine says so much...that I'm the ONE he wants to be with mind, body, and soul...EEK!
That's the thing, the part that I admit I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around; I'm the one he WANTS to be WITH...never in my wildest dreams...Not that I don't deserve it, but really, look at my track record.
I guess one could say...it is about freakin' time...and ladies, hear me now, find this for yourself...somewhere...it is TOO GOOD to let time pass and not experience something like this. Believe me, it will be a sad day if you let time pass and don't ever experience this kind of love.
I'm discovering that women really become WHO they are in their 40's. Some may say that I've missed out because I've remained single and childless. Whatever...I've missed nothing. For those of you who have gone the married/children route and are thinking to yourself, "What about ME?" It is time...take what you need, live, discover...you deserve it...we all deserve it...
Damn, Helen Reddy is singing in my head again...maybe I should sing along...