Sunday, July 26, 2009

A Moment in Love

Have you ever been in love? You know, your heart beats really fast, you cannot think straight, and the entire world suddenly looks bright and beautiful in a way it never has before. This is something I think we as humans crave, and quite frankly need.

While in Spain I discovered "falling in love" in a way I never had before. Of course I've been in love...if you've read my blog you know that I spent a year being in love with someone in a way that I had never experienced. My trip to Spain blew that love out of the water.

You are probably wondering, what in the hell is Gracie talking about? I guess I'm wondering that as well. I thought the love I had experienced with HIM was the most profound and the only way I could ever connect with another human being, and when it ended I just KNEW I would never experience that again...well I was wrong.

I decided before I went to Spain that I the most important thing I could do for myself was to be open to all that could possibly happen. So I opened myself up and I met many people. You've read about some of the people I met in previous postings so I won't bore you with a recap. But at the end of my trip something happened and that is what I want to write about today.

I spent 6 days in Salamanca, Spain teaching adults conversational English. In my last post I wrote about this, so again, I won't bore you. What I must talk about is one of my first "conversations". It was on the first day of the program and he was a very tall, handsome Spanish businessman...for this posting we will call him J.

J is a bit older than me and has worked for the same company for over 20 years. He has a family and I could tell he loves them very much. In our conversation he told me he has a dream of buying a Harley Davidson motorcycle and going to live in Paris and that within the next 5-6 years he will begin to make that dream come that moment I think I fell in love. Why? Because I think anyone with a dream like that could truly understand me and my constant wonder-lust.

Nothing happened between J and I for a couple days. Of course we talked and got to know each other. In my mind I kept thinking that this man only thought of me as a friend, which was fine with me...I'm always up for great conversations with a handsome man. In fact, there was another man that I had an attraction to and "connected" with one night. This other man was the universe's way of reminding me that assholes are everywhere...even in Spain. He is not worth any more of my writing time.

The next night a group of us went dancing at a club in Salamanca. J went along and we talked some more. I just found that I loved talking with this man, which is doubly fascinating because J's English isn't so good and my Spanish isn't so good, but we communicated beautifully. Then we danced, and you know I saw stars...and I don't think it was the vodka I was drinking. As we danced we connected in another way. I found him totally and completely sexy and had this overwhelming desire to be with him, I guess you could say this was only "physical" and that my crazy hormones were acting up, but I don't think this was the case.

When we went back to the hotel J asked if he could come to my room and I told him yes. He knocked on my door and all he said was, "don't think" and he kissed me. Again I saw stars - ok fireworks. I had not been with - I mean sex - with a man since being with well...HIM from last year. To be quite honest I didn't really feel the want or need to have sex with any of the other men I had met in Spain. I WANTED to have sex with J more that I thought possible. It felt as if I couldn't get close enough to him. Hormones, lust? Maybe...but in that moment I was in love in a way that I never thought was possible. I let him completely SEE me and FEEL me without thinking and with complete TRUST in him and more importantly myself. I don't know if it was the Spanish he was whispering in my ear, but him touching me just set my skin on fire and I wanted to be with this person in this way forever.

We each "slept" in our own hotel rooms, but the next morning J was all smiles to me. That in itself just solidified the love I was feeling. All day long I wanted to just talk and be with him. The night couldn't arrive fast enough. He told me that he wanted us to talk together alone some head was just spinning because all I wanted was to be with him. We spent the night together, sneaking off from the party being held by the program like two high school kids.

The time I spent with this man wasn't only about sex. It was about me connecting with another. Like I said before I didn't know for sure that I could do that again after having my heart so broken. I found that it is possible to "fall in love" again...even if it is for only a moment. I say for a moment because J and I both have lives an ocean away from each other, and I'm old enough to know the reality of that. So there is no "what's next"...there is/was only "what is right now" and we didn't think about anything else. When you get right down to it, "right now" is all we really have because the reality is that tomorrow may not grab hold of the "right now" and enjoy and cherish it.

J and I parted ways the next day. He said to me, "Todos lo que quieras." Loosely translated it means, "Everything that is wanted." I agree...J is everything that I wanted and quite frankly what I needed to move forward. What a gift!

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