San Sebastian is a beautiful little fishing town that has taken advantage of the tourist trade. My hostel was just OK. The owner, Jon, was a little abrupt and didn't really give me that warm and cozy feeling. He seemed to not like the fact that my Spanish is on the level of a two year old...
oh well at least I am trying to learn, right?
La Playa de Concha - the beach in San Sebastain was spectacular and for two of the four days that I was there I took advantage of relaxing, reading, and working on my tan. I met a beach bum who invited me to smoke some pot, which I readily agreed to...gotta live in the moment. I found out later that Juan is really a homeless guy who lives on the beach. I discovered this when he asked me for a euro so he could get some food. I was immediately creeped out and got the hell away from him. How in the world did I attract someone like that into my universe?
I later met a bartender named, Manuel, who graciously gave me free drinks and tapas for the evening. He was kinda cute in a short guy way, so I ended up kissing him. This is the first time I've kissed anyone since, well, you know - HIM! I feel as if some ice has been broken. Like OK...I can kiss someone else and enjoy it. Did I use Manuel for free food and a kissing experiement? Maybe - but the universe provides what is needed at the right time.
So here I am at Playa de Somo. In the drippy weather. I sure hope it is sunny tomorrow. This wetness really is playing with my head. I feel the darkness. I've been running, rain and all, most mornings, which is keeping much of the darkness at bay. However, with this weather not many people are around and I'm feeling all alone this sleepy surfer town. The ironic thing is that one of my best friends in the world is with me for these three days.
I normally would be fine feeling a bit lonely. I mean come on, I just spent the entire winter feeling more alone that I thought imaginable. Except I go to the mountains in two days where I'll be spending five days by myself. So there is this spark of fear that I will isolate myself. I have a hotel room to myself - DANGER APPROACHING - I must not isolate as that will completely defeat my entire purpose of this trip. First step in avoiding isolation? Research all there is to do while in the mountains...keep AS BUSY AS POSSIBLE...and come hell or high water be with groups of other people.
As I'm running I see joy and love and togetherness coming into my universe. Thought means action, right? As difficult as this may be right now...my thoughts must remain as such...joy, love, and togetherness with others, not to mention laughter. Many people in my life told me that I would find some hot Spanish men and I would be making out or having sex or the like. I don't know two weeks into the trip and I'm finding that even though it would be nice to find some love; and definitely satisfy that physical part that hasn't been paid attention to in a long time, I'm thinking it would be really awesome to meet people or someone to have a great conversation with...I really miss that connection...fuck this is making me very emotional...snap out of it, Gracie, for fucks sake you're on vacation!
My friend who is traveling with me these 3 days says this lonely feeling is normal when a person travels by themselves. He's been doing it for the last six months. I haven't really shared with him that I feel that scary darkness coming. We talked about HIM last night...I should've changed the subject because I think that is what has sparked this feeling. My friend called HIM a pussy...this is true, in many ways he is a pussy...he ran...pussy move in my opinion...but well you know how I feel/felt about HIM and it is really hard to hear another person speak with such blatant honesty. It seemed to make that empty space feel even bigger and I suddenly felt really lost on what to do in order to fill it up.
Again...fucking snap out of it, Gracie! Put on that happy face...go out and smile...YOU'RE ON FUCKING VACATION!!!!