Saturday, July 11, 2009

What Does It Mean To Let Go?

I was asked recently if my trip to Spain was about me running from my life in Virginia. To be completely honest I would have to say that, yes, on some level I am running from my life, but not in the way you would think. I've spent my entire life not "fitting" anywhere. In California that was ok because no one really "fits" there and I gained a certain peace in that knowlege. My move to Virgina was based solely on my need to grow as a person. I felt that leaving my comfort zone of California would do just that. Have I grown? Yes. Do I "fit"? Absolutely not, and I've had a difficult time finding peace in that fact.

It is quite ironic because here in the montains of Spain I definitely do not "fit". There are really no Americans in this place. In fact, today I went on a hike through the mountains with a group of Spanish people who didn't speak English, and I don't speak very good Spanish. Talk about not "fitting". However on this journey I keep thinking that if I can find some peace in not "fitting" here, I can find peace in not "fitting" in Virginia. Or at least I can LET GO of the fact that I don't "fit" and finally have a complete life...fuck I don't know.

I'm not saying that I haven't met some incredible people in Virginia, I have. These are people I would consider good friends and who've accepted the fact that I don't "fit" and seem to like me anyway.

Over the course of the last year I met someone who told me that I "fit" in his life. That I was WANTED in his life. Not wanted in a marriage sort of way, but in a special friendship way. I was told this time and again. Being a person doesn't really trust, it took me most of that year to really believe what he said was TRUE. I don't think he even knows the extent or how long that I didn't believe what he was saying was in fact true. Because of this I was very careful to stay completely in the moment and never question "what's next" or "where we were going". Quite frankly that would've been too much for me to handle...staying in the moment was enough.

The completely fucked up and ironic thing is that once I did TRUST and BELIEVE that I "fit" I was hit with the fact that I didn't "fit". That what was said to me wasn't really what he meant. That I was the one who "talked him into being with me." Gosh, I didn't know I had such power!

On my hike today I thought a lot about "fitting" and "trust" and finally about letting go. One thing I do know is that I will probably never "fit" according to society's standards, and that's fine with me, I like who I am and the fact that I "beat my own drum". As far as trust goes...I trust myself first and foremost, and with that I will be able to trust another person.

Letting go of it all moving on and just "being" is the hard part, but I'm on the right path...or at least I hope I am on the right path. I do know that the things I was told - very personal things that I would NEVER share - not even in this blog are not about me and that I didn't "fit. Truth is I did "fit"...come on I was told this time and again there has to be SOME truth in that...again, I don't have THAT much power over another. The truth can be scary...believe me I know this better than anyone. Some day that will be realized, but to quote a Semisonic song, "Too late, I'm done waiting, I won't be here in another life."

Letting go with light and love and being thankful for the experience...having another life..."fitting" or not...hmmmm....I like the sound of that.

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