Discovering Love Over Forty...

Easter Sunday...millions of people taking the once a year pilgrimage to their local church. My mother will hate this, but I don't really need a large building to give thanks to my higher power. However, like those millions I'm sitting here thanking God, Jesus, Allah, Mother Earth, and the Buddha for how my life has evolved in the last year.

Now I don't want this post to be some sick, love-struck rambling of a 45 year-old woman just discovering who she is...but I must say this is exactly how I feel now; right down to that effervescent glow one gets after having days of eye-popping, toe-curling sex.

Too much information? Know what? I really don't care. This feeling is just too SPECTACULAR and for you ladies who are in your 40's and going through those lovely pre-menopause changes, this is the time to truly discover who you are as a woman.

I don't mean just the sex thing. Sex is wonderfully intoxicating in your 40's, but self-discovery takes a soul to an whole other level.

I mean discovering who you are in all aspects of life. Do you ever ask yourself where your place is in this world? Or that fear evoking question, what exactly have I done in life that means something? Come on, you know exactly what I am talking about.

In the last year I've asked myself those same questions...and I am still striving to answer them. What has changed is that the journey to find the answers has become so delicious, so entertaining, so fearless...I'm just giddy with excitement.

I have learned one thing: I am not just one woman. I am many women all wrapped up into this 45 year-old body. I'm a teacher, I'm a friend, I'm a paid writer, I'm a traveler, I'm a lover. Oh God, I'm hearing Helen Reddy's song, "I am Woman Hear Me Roar" in my head...Not exactly where I wanted my brain to go, but do you get the picture I'm trying to paint here?

I wonder if the majority of women are this lucky - that they can truly find themselves as they journey through their 40's? I really hope so. Unfortunately, I think there are too many women who are just too scared to step outside of their safe little two car garage box...sadly, I think I am in the minority. Will the others learn before it is too late?

The thing is, I haven't done anything special. My life isn't something that Oprah would televise or anything like that...too boring for her. What I have done is to step outside of myself, to risk, and to have an unbelievable amount of faith that the universe would bring me exactly what I want.

What I want - and that is? You may or may not be thinking. Well, for one I want to be more than just a school teacher. I find nothing more pathetic that a middle aged, single school teacher who lives for her students. I want to write and actually be published and paid. I want to travel the world. Finally, I want what so many people crave...unconditional love from someone.

Today, as I said before, I'm feeling like a love-struck school girl. This so hard for me to grasp, but the universe has seen fit to send me this person who is on so many levels what I've been looking for my entire life.

I'm desperately to keep myself in the moment. For one, I know if I get too far ahead of myself, I'll fuck this up, but the MOMENT is so spine tingling that I feel the need to soak every last drop of love that is coming from this man. And believe me, in this case, "MAN" is exactly what this person is...more MAN than anyone I've ever met.

It is not just what he gives or what he does, it is WHO he is. How he LOOKS at me. How he TOUCHES me. Just the look he gives, or the brush of his hand on mine says so much...that I'm the ONE he wants to be with mind, body, and soul...EEK!

That's the thing, the part that I admit I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around; I'm the one he WANTS to be WITH...never in my wildest dreams...Not that I don't deserve it, but really, look at my track record.

I guess one could say...it is about freakin' time...and ladies, hear me now, find this for yourself...somewhere...it is TOO GOOD to let time pass and not experience something like this. Believe me, it will be a sad day if you let time pass and don't ever experience this kind of love.

I'm discovering that women really become WHO they are in their 40's. Some may say that I've missed out because I've remained single and childless. Whatever...I've missed nothing. For those of you who have gone the married/children route and are thinking to yourself, "What about ME?" It is time...take what you need, live, discover...you deserve it...we all deserve it...

Damn, Helen Reddy is singing in my head again...maybe I should sing along...

Fantasy Land

I told myself that I would have one week to be in what I call, Fantasy Land. This is sort of limbo where I'm not quite here in Virginia, but I'm not quite in Spain. I'm in-between...I do those at home things like go to the gym and do laundry, but then I do Spain things like eat what I want, drink wine, and daydream about another life. One week...then back to my reality that is Virginia....well the week ends on Sunday, and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to come back.

I was asked last night why do I stay in Virginia if it isn't really "home" for me. My answer was that I have "things" to do here, I'm not finished, and until I'm finished those "things" will follow me where ever I go. Plus my gut tells me that if I don't find some peace here, I won't find peace anywhere else. But since I came back from Spain last Saturday I look around and ask myself, "What the fuck are you doing here, Gracie?"

I know that quite a lot of this is the after my vacation backlash. I knew when I left Spain that I would experience these feelings...that I would feel a bit down and a little afraid of coming back to a life where I'm not entirely happy. That being said, I KNOW that it is up to me to make myself happy and not allow those dark feelings to take over my life. So now the question is, what do I gotta do to make myself happy?

Please don't get the perception that I'm this miserable human being because I'm not - far from it. I have a good job that I love, I can pay my bills, I'm in a position to buy my first home, I have good friends, over all...I have a good life and for that I'm extremely grateful. It's that contented feeling that I'm striving for...right now...yo no soy muy contenta as they say in Espana.

Going to a new school this year is good start...but it is also one of those "things" I need to deal with here in Virginia. I'm really afraid for the start of school at the end of August. I didn't realize just how afraid I was until I went to book club with some of my new colleagues Tuesday.

It's like this...I know that I'm hard to get to know...I can make small talk, no problem...but when the conversation gets too personal I either say entirely too much or I shut down. Saying too much too soon is very dangerous as it can come and bite you in the ass....I experienced that at my last school. Shutting down is even more dangerous because then I give the perception that I'm aloof and unfriendly. I'm not sure where the middle ground is on this....any suggestions? I also know that I have a very strong personality and that I am very passionate about education and how things should be taught. Thus, I sometimes give the perception that I'm a 'know it all" and people don't like that. So again, I do one of two things...I talk too much or I shut down...again, both equally dangerous, to repeat...NOT SURE WHERE THE MIDDLE GROUND IS. These "work things" have been with me my entire life...so I got to deal...it's now or never.

That is the work side of things. On the personal side, this week in Fantasy Land has magnified just how on my own I am here in Virginia. My really good friends are either in California or traveling the world. I have made a couple calls to people that are "friends" here in Virginia...but calls haven't gotten returned or people are off living lives that don't include me. This is another "thing" I must deal with here in Virginia - I either need to figure out at age 44 how to make friends or be at peace with not having friends here. This "no friend" things isn't as pathetic as I'm making it sound - I have plans next week for dinner with a friend, and I did see HIM last night - I guess he's a friend...that's how we left it anyway...we'll see if he picks up that ball.

HIM as a friend...there's a blog for you - Can A Person be Friends With Someone After Being in Love With Them? I'll think on that, in the meantime, seeing HIM - interesting - especially since he's been reading this blog and has reacted passionately a couple times through email, which is kinda nice that my writing affected someone. We did need to talk with each other...clear things I guess. I will say that I was having some dangerous thoughts last night (the wine, I think) had thought become action I would be writing an entirely different blog today. So friends? Well I guess he does know me better than anyone else here in Virginia. I do know we enjoy talking with each other; and we like, even love each other as people, but will we be friends? I left the door open...if he walks through I'll go from there....Look, don't freak out I''m just saying what I'm thinking...I would like him to walk through that door, but I will be very surprised if he does, as it is often easier to just walk past.

I have realized that today's writing is kind of all over the place. I guess that is just my state of mind here in Fantasy Land. Quite often my thoughts do that...they float around me like a bunch of dandelion seeds blowing in the wind. I think writing them down makes them less overwhelming and keeps their voices quieter.

I do know what I need to do once I leave Fantasy Land on Sunday...I need to take care of business and take care of myself so my head is back in the game. Going to Spain put some perspective on how I can deal with the "things" that are haunting me here in Virginia...because once dealt with they will become a distant memory and I will be able to say whole heartedly, "Yo soy muy contenta!"

Until Sunday, I go to the gym, I do laundry, I eat what I want, I drink Spanish wine, and I daydream about another life....

A Moment in Love

Have you ever been in love? You know, your heart beats really fast, you cannot think straight, and the entire world suddenly looks bright and beautiful in a way it never has before. This is something I think we as humans crave, and quite frankly need.

While in Spain I discovered "falling in love" in a way I never had before. Of course I've been in love...if you've read my blog you know that I spent a year being in love with someone in a way that I had never experienced. My trip to Spain blew that love out of the water.

You are probably wondering, what in the hell is Gracie talking about? I guess I'm wondering that as well. I thought the love I had experienced with HIM was the most profound and the only way I could ever connect with another human being, and when it ended I just KNEW I would never experience that again...well I was wrong.

I decided before I went to Spain that I the most important thing I could do for myself was to be open to all that could possibly happen. So I opened myself up and I met many people. You've read about some of the people I met in previous postings so I won't bore you with a recap. But at the end of my trip something happened and that is what I want to write about today.

I spent 6 days in Salamanca, Spain teaching adults conversational English. In my last post I wrote about this, so again, I won't bore you. What I must talk about is one of my first "conversations". It was on the first day of the program and he was a very tall, handsome Spanish businessman...for this posting we will call him J.

J is a bit older than me and has worked for the same company for over 20 years. He has a family and I could tell he loves them very much. In our conversation he told me he has a dream of buying a Harley Davidson motorcycle and going to live in Paris and that within the next 5-6 years he will begin to make that dream come true...in that moment I think I fell in love. Why? Because I think anyone with a dream like that could truly understand me and my constant wonder-lust.

Nothing happened between J and I for a couple days. Of course we talked and got to know each other. In my mind I kept thinking that this man only thought of me as a friend, which was fine with me...I'm always up for great conversations with a handsome man. In fact, there was another man that I had an attraction to and "connected" with one night. This other man was the universe's way of reminding me that assholes are everywhere...even in Spain. He is not worth any more of my writing time.

The next night a group of us went dancing at a club in Salamanca. J went along and we talked some more. I just found that I loved talking with this man, which is doubly fascinating because J's English isn't so good and my Spanish isn't so good, but we communicated beautifully. Then we danced, and you know I saw stars...and I don't think it was the vodka I was drinking. As we danced we connected in another way. I found him totally and completely sexy and had this overwhelming desire to be with him, I guess you could say this was only "physical" and that my crazy hormones were acting up, but I don't think this was the case.

When we went back to the hotel J asked if he could come to my room and I told him yes. He knocked on my door and all he said was, "don't think" and he kissed me. Again I saw stars - ok fireworks. I had not been with - I mean sex - with a man since being with well...HIM from last year. To be quite honest I didn't really feel the want or need to have sex with any of the other men I had met in Spain. I WANTED to have sex with J more that I thought possible. It felt as if I couldn't get close enough to him. Hormones, lust? Maybe...but in that moment I was in love in a way that I never thought was possible. I let him completely SEE me and FEEL me without thinking and with complete TRUST in him and more importantly myself. I don't know if it was the Spanish he was whispering in my ear, but him touching me just set my skin on fire and I wanted to be with this person in this way forever.

We each "slept" in our own hotel rooms, but the next morning J was all smiles to me. That in itself just solidified the love I was feeling. All day long I wanted to just talk and be with him. The night couldn't arrive fast enough. He told me that he wanted us to talk together alone some more...my head was just spinning because all I wanted was to be with him. We spent the night together, sneaking off from the party being held by the program like two high school kids.

The time I spent with this man wasn't only about sex. It was about me connecting with another. Like I said before I didn't know for sure that I could do that again after having my heart so broken. I found that it is possible to "fall in love" again...even if it is for only a moment. I say for a moment because J and I both have lives an ocean away from each other, and I'm old enough to know the reality of that. So there is no "what's next"...there is/was only "what is right now" and we didn't think about anything else. When you get right down to it, "right now" is all we really have because the reality is that tomorrow may not come...so grab hold of the "right now" and enjoy and cherish it.

J and I parted ways the next day. He said to me, "Todos lo que quieras." Loosely translated it means, "Everything that is wanted." I agree...J is everything that I wanted and quite frankly what I needed to move forward. What a gift!