I was asked last night why do I stay in Virginia if it isn't really "home" for me. My answer was that I have "things" to do here, I'm not finished, and until I'm finished those "things" will follow me where ever I go. Plus my gut tells me that if I don't find some peace here, I won't find peace anywhere else. But since I came back from Spain last Saturday I look around and ask myself, "What the fuck are you doing here, Gracie?"
I know that quite a lot of this is the after my vacation backlash. I knew when I left Spain that I would experience these feelings...that I would feel a bit down and a little afraid of coming back to a life where I'm not entirely happy. That being said, I KNOW that it is up to me to make myself happy and not allow those dark feelings to take over my life. So now the question is, what do I gotta do to make myself happy?
Please don't get the perception that I'm this miserable human being because I'm not - far from it. I have a good job that I love, I can pay my bills, I'm in a position to buy my first home, I have good friends, over all...I have a good life and for that I'm extremely grateful. It's that contented feeling that I'm striving for...right now...yo no soy muy contenta as they say in Espana.
Going to a new school this year is good start...but it is also one of those "things" I need to deal with here in Virginia. I'm really afraid for the start of school at the end of August. I didn't realize just how afraid I was until I went to book club with some of my new colleagues Tuesday.
It's like this...I know that I'm hard to get to know...I can make small talk, no problem...but when the conversation gets too personal I either say entirely too much or I shut down. Saying too much too soon is very dangerous as it can come and bite you in the ass....I experienced that at my last school. Shutting down is even more dangerous because then I give the perception that I'm aloof and unfriendly. I'm not sure where the middle ground is on this....any suggestions? I also know that I have a very strong personality and that I am very passionate about education and how things should be taught. Thus, I sometimes give the perception that I'm a 'know it all" and people don't like that. So again, I do one of two things...I talk too much or I shut down...again, both equally dangerous, to repeat...NOT SURE WHERE THE MIDDLE GROUND IS. These "work things" have been with me my entire life...so I got to deal...it's now or never.
That is the work side of things. On the personal side, this week in Fantasy Land has magnified just how on my own I am here in Virginia. My really good friends are either in California or traveling the world. I have made a couple calls to people that are "friends" here in Virginia...but calls haven't gotten returned or people are off living lives that don't include me. This is another "thing" I must deal with here in Virginia - I either need to figure out at age 44 how to make friends or be at peace with not having friends here. This "no friend" things isn't as pathetic as I'm making it sound - I have plans next week for dinner with a friend, and I did see HIM last night - I guess he's a friend...that's how we left it anyway...we'll see if he picks up that ball.
HIM as a friend...there's a blog for you - Can A Person be Friends With Someone After Being in Love With Them? I'll think on that, in the meantime, seeing HIM - interesting - especially since he's been reading this blog and has reacted passionately a couple times through email, which is kinda nice that my writing affected someone. We did need to talk with each other...clear things I guess. I will say that I was having some dangerous thoughts last night (the wine, I think) had thought become action I would be writing an entirely different blog today. So friends? Well I guess he does know me better than anyone else here in Virginia. I do know we enjoy talking with each other; and we like, even love each other as people, but will we be friends? I left the door open...if he walks through I'll go from there....Look, don't freak out I''m just saying what I'm thinking...I would like him to walk through that door, but I will be very surprised if he does, as it is often easier to just walk past.
I have realized that today's writing is kind of all over the place. I guess that is just my state of mind here in Fantasy Land. Quite often my thoughts do that...they float around me like a bunch of dandelion seeds blowing in the wind. I think writing them down makes them less overwhelming and keeps their voices quieter.
I do know what I need to do once I leave Fantasy Land on Sunday...I need to take care of business and take care of myself so my head is back in the game. Going to Spain put some perspective on how I can deal with the "things" that are haunting me here in Virginia...because once dealt with they will become a distant memory and I will be able to say whole heartedly, "Yo soy muy contenta!"
Until Sunday, I go to the gym, I do laundry, I eat what I want, I drink Spanish wine, and I daydream about another life....