So I didn't get the condo I bid on this weekend. I know I shouldn't have gotten myself emotionally attached to this place, but I did...that's just what I do. I sometimes foolishly put my heart into things...and quite often I get my heart stomped on. Usually it's someone I'm romantically involved with doing the stomping...this time it's a cold hearted listing agent and and even colder seller...Freddie Mac.
I'm not sure if I have the stomach for this home buying process. I find the PERFECT place and then someone else offers more money and I'm left out in the cold with nothing but tears to fill my evening.
Since January I have had my heart literally crushed over and over again. First, the person I loved more than I've ever loved anyone just up and decides that we are not going to be together. At the same time the principal at my school decides that I'm her next victim and repeatedly writes me up for reasons fabricated in her mind and I can do nothing but take it up the ass. Now, just when I'm getting past all that, I can't seem to get a seller to sell me a home in a neighborhood where I won't get mugged or raped going to my door.
I don't want a lot in life. I don't need extravagant things. Just a place to call my own, a job at a school I love, and someone to share my life with. That's not a lot to ask. I'm a good person. I don't fuck people over, I don't waste my money, I pay my bills on time, and I try my best to be kind to everyone...so why does it seem that all I do is bang my head against a wall only to be disappointed again and again. I feel like such a loser...did I do something really horrible in a past life that I'm paying for now??
I leave for Spain next week. I should be excited, but I'm not. I'm actually scared that I'm making the wrong choice and that I should safely stay in my apartment all summer long. If I did that I would be even more miserable. So off I will go trying to heal my heart that has yet again been trampled on.
What really sucks is that the only person I want to call right now is the person who probably wouldn't even talk to me, which would tear me up even more. I can imagine the conversation now. Me emotionally trying to connect with him and he doing everything he can to not connect...a match made in heaven.
The books tell me that a woman of my age questions everything and often wonders if she had made the right decisions. I'm asking myself that right now. My perimenapausal hormones are fucking with me yet again. I surely didn't think that I'd be ALONE at age 44, buying my first home, and starting brand new at a school that I'm desperately hoping the administration will like me not only as a teacher, but as a person.
People tell me I'm tough, that I can handle anything given to me...well I don't feel so tough right now. Right now I feel weak and sad, and very alone....Good Times!