Euphoria.....

Feeling strangely euphoric lately. I'm trying not to let it frighten me too much. Old baggage....you know, things are going great, but there's that little voice creeping in saying, "Don't get too used to this, Gracie..."

OK...fuck that voice! As my best friend (the wife) would say this is just the "opponent" trying to mess with my chi.

I just made my very first house payment. I must tell you it was so satisfying to send that check to my lender knowing that my money is going towards an investment in my pocket and not someone else's.

Most people don't get this, but my purchasing this home is such a big step for me...such a grown-up commitment that for so long seemed untouchable for someone like me. I've accomplished many things in my life, but being financially stable enough to buy a home as always eluded me...and to be honest, I just figured that I would just be a renter until I died. Funny how things turn out, isn't it?

I've finally been feeling at home here in Virginia...it only took four years. The house has helped. It has given me a home base. Somewhere to come back to from my travels.

My travels...the next goal to accomplish. Two months this summer...I see it...I know it is going to happen. The universe is bringing things to me that will make this trip more than just a vacation. Like Spain last summer, this summer's trip will change my life in profoundly positive ways.

Positive change...how lovely...how refreshing...how spooky...old baggage speaking to me again. I'm trusting myself and with that comes the ability to trust someone else...holy shit, how did that happen?

He says we "fit"...where have I heard that before? He says he loves me. He talks about a future that includes me....he wants me to travel, discover the world, and write...he says he wants to take care of me...part of me wants to pinch him to see if he is real or just someone I've dreamed up in my distorted imagination.

He has no idea how blissful his words are to my ears...and how scary...how I'm desperately trying to relax and enjoy each and every moment of this experience...and how thinking too much about the future could fuck everything up....

...and the last thing in the world I want is to mess this up...because he is right...we fit...interesting how significant that word has become...

Life is So Much More Than a Job....

In a teacher's life the end of the second quarter is a turning point in the school year. Half the year is over. You are preparing for those ALL IMPORTANT standardized tests. The pressure is on...I live this...yet right now I'm totally ambivalent about it.

Don't get me wrong, I want my students to be successful. But it seems the universe has place me on a 5th grade team of teachers who are some of the most immature people I've ever encountered.

I sit in meetings and these women have no ideas of their own. Yet they have the nerve to say things like, "Can you create lessons for me." Are fucking serious? Why would I create lesson plans for you? What do I get out of it? It isn't like we are actually TRADING ideas.

What does the universe want me to learn from this? It will not serve me to get angry and tell these women to, "fuck off, do your own work." So what is the deal?

There is the large part of me that has literally stepped aside. I'm focusing on my life outside of the classroom...that seems to be where the action is...yes people, there's some action.

I've written two articles in the last two weeks that have been published...and I've been paid for them. This alone is the direction I want my live to head in...a published writer...a dream I've had for a million years.

I mentioned my new friend. He has told me that he loves me. At first that was a bit unsettling. Usually I'm the one who says the "L" word. Never has a man shared such thoughts without hesitation or regret. I'm still trying to get used to that.

I'm making preparations to travel this summer. Two months away, exploring, living a live of a nomad...complete heaven!

So...focus on life outside of school. Do my job, of course, and do it well! I think the universe wants me to keep my eye on the prize...that a woman can live her dream, be loved for who she is, and the rest is just the vehicle to take her on the journey.

New Year...New Chapter...Moving On...

So here we are folks, 2010...the end of the year flew past me with such speed I've just now sat down to reflect in writing. As always millions of thoughts have been floating around my brain...

Well...I did it...I found a new home...and closed in December...yes...can you believe it I am a homeowner. It only took nine different offers...guess the ninth time is the charm. I moved in the week of Christmas, and cannot even begin to describe how it feels to open the door each day to my very OWN home...it is like bliss times 100.

The ins and outs of buying a home will come at another posting as I'm sure there are many first time buyers out there going through many of the same obstacles/opportunities that I have experienced....

As this new year...oh gosh...new decade is starting I smile to myself because last year at this time I was...well you all know...heading down a dark, heartbreaking hole. I say, smile, because I must give a bit of thanks to HIM. Had he not so thoughtfully pulled the rug out from under my world I would not be here today saying that the universe has brought me a new friend... without HIS antics I would've never been READY for this new person.

Ready...what does that mean? I do know that the universe brings us what we desire when the time is right. So is the time right for a new friend? I think it is. I must tell you though, I almost pushed my new friend away before we even got started.

You may ask why would I push someone away? Honestly, I was doing fine on my own. Getting my world together...I was content...the last thing I wanted was a relationship. Fuck, I sound like HIM don't I? Add to that, fear and lack of trust in myself and you have a woman who would push away Prince Charming riding up on a white horse.

Thankfully he's been patient with me...and I've realized that there is a reason my new friend has come to my world at this time. I haven't thought too much about what the REASONS are because I'm LIVING each moment as they come...and he too is in each moment with me...fully, completely and without hesitation...who knew that a person like that existed?

Moving on...that's the mantra for 2010. New home...new friend...new life...forward to my next adventure...summer of travel...please, you didn't think I would let that go? Not on your life...after last summer in Spain...I gotta head down that road again...

Good Stuff...Nice....

Seriously....An Afterschool Special??

What brings different people together? This question has been swirling around my brains for the last few days.

I don't just mean why men and women feel a mutual attraction or why we choose the friends we have - it isn't that simple for me.

I know that many highly educated people have written about chemical reactions and hormones that wildly mix together to create attraction, but those reasons seem so clinical. My thoughts are much more personal - why do certain people come into my life? Why do my feelings for those in my life change?

When I think of all the people who have weaved their way into and out of my life I do realize that fate does play a certain role. I do believe that I have personally grown because of people who have come into my life - I take that as an unconditional gift from the universe.

What about those feelings that happen as a new relationship is starting? Is it just chemicals that make a person's heart race or stomach flutter at the sound of that new voice on the phone? That just seems so....sterile...

Or what about the new relationship that seems pleasantly easy, but those butterflies or only a flicker...does that mean it isn't supposed to happen? Or is it the universe's way of telling me to be patient -that life isn't always about instant gratification?

I understand that people grow and change over time - that's what makes us human. People connect in love or friendship for many reasons - same interests, attraction, fundemental beliefs and values. But what happens to long standing relationships when one person's belief system changes? Can the relationship survive?

I know these questions could be the premise of a cheesy afterschool special. Be that as it may, they are presently very real for me and I see a very significant "fork in the road". Each day I make choice that can potentially change the course of my future...a bit dramatic...but isn't life boring with out some drama?

I made a choice recently - a decision that I didn't think twice about - I mean I didn't decide to rob a bank, shoot herion, or hurt someone. We make choices about a million times a day, don't we? How quickly the tide can turn; and a simple choice changes the course of everything you've worked toward. Your life suddenly dissolves right in front of your eyes.

I have amazing angels in my corner - because the tide turned back - and my future and I are still standing...However the universe did kick my ass; and in one moment core beliefs changed and what was once right became very wrong.

Wrong in that as an adult, I know there is a time and place for everything. More significant is that my belief of what is the right time and place changed so completely.

The shock, excitement, fear, happiness, or anger at oneself that come with this realization can change relationships...especially for those who share in making such simple choices. We've all experienced those moments with people - when regardless of the type of relationship - things happen and the relationship changes...Or maybe is it just me who changes.

Change is good for the soul...that's what they say...right? I think the scary part is wondering if the other person will want to continue the relationship as my thoughts and beliefs change.

That moment...that second when the change happens can be so forceful that the ground shakes. Think about it, the moment you look at him and just know this is the person for you. Or the realization that the person standing in front of you will not be a part of your future. The dark reality of shared demons. How about the crushing understanding that a supposedly innocent choice can completely turn your life upside down?

It is when those moments happen without warning that profound change is on the way...ready or not here it comes...

All the change in my life the last year...the relationships...some have grown...others have just withered and died...Is it all fate...or does fate combine with our choices to direct the next part of the journey?

Ready or not....sheesh....

Looking Through Glass...

I was asked yesterday what is it that I want from my life right now. In that moment I was not able to articulate what I want. Last year at this time everything seemed so clear...now the lines have been blurred.

Those who are in the know say these feelings are normal, especially for women. As we enter our mid forties women start thinking of all the things that, "should have been or might have been." Admittedly I am in that place.

I have thought a lot of what "might have been". You know what might have been had I stayed in California? What might have been had I waited for HIM to deal with his issues. What might have been had I just stayed in Spain this summer.

I've posted in the past the way I would like my life to proceed. I've posted my "plans" to get myself there. I've always been able to manifest the things that I want...to accomplish my goals, but lately it seems like I've been looking at my life from inside a glass wall where I am unable to make my dreams come true.

I am feeling stuck inside that glass. Stuck in a world where I am destined to live this boring, unfulfilled, unloved life. As I said last year at this time it was all clear. I felt like I was doing great things as a teacher. I lived a life where I socialized with people. I was loved - or at least believed I was loved by someone special.

Now I go through the motions of my life. I give my all to teaching...doing the best I can within the prameters of this new school. I have a couple friends. I don't think I can really speak about the love part - not today anyway. But like I said, I'm just watching...I'm not really participating.

I want to know this...where is my passion? Why can't I find it? I keep searching. Trying new things. Staying positive, being thankful for everything that the universe has given me...thinking joyful thoughts. Where is that passionate woman that I was? I got to know her in Spain...I miss her...where is she?

The logical side knows that these feelings are coming to the surface because my birthday just passed yesterday. The day come and not one of my "friends" here in Virginia even acknowledged it...not that this is a requirement for my friendship...but it just...I don't know...it just made me feel a little sad and really alone here.

My two best friends; who as I've said before do not live here in Virginia, tell me that I need to leave here...that I've out grown this place...who knows maybe they are right...the question is where to next....where am I going to find my passion?

Not What I Thought....

Math...usually a subject that I have been very successful at teaching. Right now I am totally lost with the group of students in my classroom. I've shared before that the school I am at "flexible groups". That is a politically correct way to say they track students. My group is the lowest of all the 5th graders and I cannot figure out how to get them to learn the curriculum.

I am frustrated to the point of anger. Anger directed at myself because I do not know what to do. It is like I am talking to a box of rocks with these kids....and this is only the beginning of October.

The special education teacher I am co-teaching with says that we have to force them to memorize the concepts. I bite my tongue when she says these things reminding myself that this is her first year and no matter how much book learning she has done, she really has no clue about teaching.

A group like this doesn't memorize to learn...they really have to LEARN the stuff or it just ain't gonna stick. On top of that there are ONLY low students in this group...so there is absolutely no peer tutoring, which in the past has helped the lower students I have worked with.

I sometimes wish I was like many teachers and just not give a shit about the students who are not getting what I am teaching...but I've tried that and it just isn't me....I do care...probably too much.

So here I am the beginning of October with a group of students who are not learning math. I have a co-teacher who doesn't bring a fucking thing to the table...she is too busy to come up with modifications that could possibly help the children learn, and she is entirely too busy to spend extra time teaching the students - like during their lunch time. So the modifications and accommodations are left to me...the extra time teaching is left to me...I know I sound resentful...sorry it is the mood I am in right now.

On top of that it is my birthday this weekend. I turn 45 and am not liking it. It isn't the getting older part. It is the feeling like things are not turning out the way I thought they would part. Work isn't what I thought it would be. My personal life is well...definitely not what I thought it would be. I keep thinking of my birthday last year...and that just makes me cry because I was truly happy then...and now...my life is not turning out the way I thought...

First Date....

Being a single woman of 44 years old, I've been out there in the dating world for a very long time now. As you can imagine, I've been on a multitude of "first dates". Last night I experienced another first date, and it is something I just have to share with you, my friends.

As I posted last week, I met Larry at the wine festival. I didn't really know if I was attracted to Larry. I mean with some men I'm immediately drawn to them from the second we meet...this was not the case with Larry. But I haven't been on a date here in the United States since I quit seeing HIM and it is definitely time I make myself available out there in the universe.

Larry called me during the week, calling me by the wrong name...he used a nickname that I never use because I hate being called by that nickname. I let that go, and agreed to meet him at a restaurant near my house.

For a woman the whole ritual of getting ready for a date is something I've always enjoyed. Not to sound conceited, but I am a pretty cute girl...some would even say I am pretty. So as I put on make-up, did my hair, and chose a sexy, but not too sexy outfit, I was in a pretty good head space...Selfishly I've always gone through this ritual more for myself and how it makes me feel rather than worrying about what the guy will think.

I meet Larry in the restaurant bar. I look at him and I notice that his jeans have been hemmed to the ankle straight legged style and he is wearing flip-flops. OK...this is so superficial, but come on, it is Saturday night, we are at a nice restaurant, and this dude made the choice to show me the most unattractive part of a man's body - his hairy feet and toes. My gay husband would've left right then - I just didn't look down for the rest of the night.

Larry has already been drinking wine, explaining to me that he hasn't been out on a date in 14 years and is a little nervous - he's divorced. Not a big deal, right? However, I can tell he's been sitting there drinking for a while - a big turn off in my book.

I am pretty good at the first date talk. Sharing just enough so the other person gets to know me, but not revealing too much - no one wants to hear about baggage on a first date, right? Larry didn't get that memo. He proceeds to tell me that he is the youngest of 8 children, but that six of his siblings are now dead. I'm not sure if he's looking for sympathy, but then he tells me that his family name will die with him as he is unable to conceive children....so far entirely too much information on a first date!

By now Larry has had four glasses of wine to my 1 1/2. and we've only been sitting there for about an hour. Growing up with an alcoholic father, my brain is screaming, "danger, danger". On top of the drinking, each time Larry orders another drink he snaps his fingers at the bartender in order to get his attention - if I was Susie, the bartender, I would've spit in his wine.

As Larry continues to unload all his family secrets, I'm informed that he comes from a very old family dating back to the Mayflower, is related to Robert E. Lee, among other war heroes, and he grew up in a haunted house built in the 1700's. Oh and of course he has a lot of money. I have found that when people talk about themselves this much on a first date, very little of it is true.

Just when I think I have heard everything, Larry tells me that three of his dead siblings died from alcohol, and one from a drug overdose. He tells me that he comes from a long line of alcoholics, but he didn't get that gene because he doesn't have to drink....he's just ordered his sixth glass of wine. Oh....we haven't even ordered dinner yet! Starving, I ask Larry if we can eat...

After we eat - I had the sea bass, which was amazing - I begin to plan out my exit. I didn't know what time it was, but I was done listening to Larry unload every piece of dirty laundry that he's been keeping in the dark trenches of his mind. He also felt this was the time for us to make plans - like going on vacation together...I almost RAN right then. After what I think is an appropriate 10 minutes after they have cleared our plates, I tell Larry that it is time for me to go.

Larry walks me to my car, I thank him for dinner, give him a peck on the lips. He tells me that he is going back in for another glass of wine. He asks if I want to go out again. I smile and tell him to give me a call, leaving Larry standing in the rain in his ankel jeans and flip-flops....I will be screening my calls for the next week....sorry dude, but if you are looking to get laid anytime soon I would rethink how you approach a first date.

As for me...I'm ready for my next first date!