I was asked yesterday what is it that I want from my life right now. In that moment I was not able to articulate what I want. Last year at this time everything seemed so clear...now the lines have been blurred.
Those who are in the know say these feelings are normal, especially for women. As we enter our mid forties women start thinking of all the things that, "should have been or might have been." Admittedly I am in that place.
I have thought a lot of what "might have been". You know what might have been had I stayed in California? What might have been had I waited for HIM to deal with his issues. What might have been had I just stayed in Spain this summer.
I've posted in the past the way I would like my life to proceed. I've posted my "plans" to get myself there. I've always been able to manifest the things that I want...to accomplish my goals, but lately it seems like I've been looking at my life from inside a glass wall where I am unable to make my dreams come true.
I am feeling stuck inside that glass. Stuck in a world where I am destined to live this boring, unfulfilled, unloved life. As I said last year at this time it was all clear. I felt like I was doing great things as a teacher. I lived a life where I socialized with people. I was loved - or at least believed I was loved by someone special.
Now I go through the motions of my life. I give my all to teaching...doing the best I can within the prameters of this new school. I have a couple friends. I don't think I can really speak about the love part - not today anyway. But like I said, I'm just watching...I'm not really participating.
I want to know this...where is my passion? Why can't I find it? I keep searching. Trying new things. Staying positive, being thankful for everything that the universe has given me...thinking joyful thoughts. Where is that passionate woman that I was? I got to know her in Spain...I miss her...where is she?
The logical side knows that these feelings are coming to the surface because my birthday just passed yesterday. The day come and not one of my "friends" here in Virginia even acknowledged it...not that this is a requirement for my friendship...but it just...I don't know...it just made me feel a little sad and really alone here.
My two best friends; who as I've said before do not live here in Virginia, tell me that I need to leave here...that I've out grown this place...who knows maybe they are right...the question is where to next....where am I going to find my passion?