Ok...I'm Here...In France...Sheesh...

I've been gone from home for almost a week now.  My gay husband told me that it would take me a few days to get used to being so far away.  He was right. 

I think I am in the loneliness stage.  You know that point where I am wondering if this trip was the best idea. 

My three days in Paris were filled with walking among millions of people, but the sudden feeling of being all alone in the world surged in me in such an unexpected way.  It was as if I was standing on the outside of this huge club house and I could see into the window but I couldn't find the door that would allow me inside.

I am smart enough to realize that the unbearable heat of Paris, along with the process of getting my travel legs under me didn't help.  Finally, on my last day in Paris I found this lovely place, Jardin du Luxenburg.  A quiet park where I just sat and gathered myself, and came to peace that I will be away for the next two months.

Last summer when I went to Spain. I left Virginia without a thought.  No ties.  Just a couple good friends that will always be my good friends.  This trip is different...there's someone at home...waiting.  In my wildest dreams I never thought something like that would happen. 

As much as I want to see him, to touch him, just be with him, I must wrap my head around the fact that we are going to be apart for the next few weeks.  I have to make a little life for myself where he's in my heart, but not in my day to day life.

A life out here that is mine, this is what I need to do.  Sitting here in this hostel in Nice, France I am surrounded by a ton of people.  Many of them are young enough to be my children, yet I think I've fit in.  Well, I've found a few who seem to accept me as who I am.   I think that was what I've been waiting for.  To be sitting here in the middle of this frat party hostel writing this post and thinking, "Well...here I am and I'm OK."

I ventured out to the beach today.  Villefranche was the village/beach I went to.  I met Nick, from my hostal on the tram to the bus station.  We ended up hanging at the beach all day.  Was loads of fun...was some actual intelligent conversation.  Was the first time on this trip that I actually felt my normal self.  I just sat and talked with another person about life...how lovely. 

People who don't travel on their own don't realize how nice it is to find someone to truly bond with.

Tonight in the bar I chatted up people that I've met in the last couple days, plus a couple new people.  This one Swedish gentleman, who I met my first night here, asked me why I haven't started writing my novel yet.  Good question.  I don't know why...where is that fear coming from? 

Maybe I'll figure that out here....

The Future...Here I Come!

Sometimes life changes so fast it is hard to keep up.  The school year is almost over and I am looking back wondering where it all went.  Did I accomplish anything in my classroom?

I came to this school with such hopes and one by one those hopes were either pushed aside or squashed with such force that my first reaction was to retreat into my shell like a turtle in fear of being run over by a car.

Over time I came out of my shell and found bits and pieces of time where I could take my students to new heights.  Deep down, I know it is not enough.  Yet I've agreed to stay - for the time being.  Another opportunity came my way last week, a new school that fits exactly with my philosophy.  The principal likes me but currently there's no position for me.  So I wait...not exactly something I am good at.

I know that what is supposed to happen will happen.  New school or in the same place.  I'll make it work - that much I've learned this year...OK I hope and pray I make it all work.  I do know that keeping my mouth shut and just "do" what I do works best for me.  A bit of growth I think. 

The thing is that there's so much more to my life now than school.  This is taking more of my attention each day.  My real life.  My future.  I've always tentatively shied away from the word, "future".  Now I think it is time to looked "future" in they eye and walk through without hesitation.

I'm going to be a writer...that I know.  Will there be obstacles to climb, of course.  My life has always been filled with obstacles...fine...I turn them into opportunity, but I will be a writer.  Not just a blogger.  A writer who has books in bookstore with people who buy them and everything.  That has been the dream forever and the time has come.

Leave on my trip in less than a month.  Finding it hard to believe that I made this happen.  This trip is so important and so necessary to my future.  I must admit I'm having pre-trip jitters.  Three countries, six weeks, and me on my own.  New people, places, and so much to explore...sheesh...who knew?

This summer I am leaving someone behind.  I know that I will miss him dearly.  He, too, is my future.  This has been the toughest part to wrap my head around.  He's asked me to marry him and I've said, "yes."  People who know me know this is huge.  I'm so sure though...he's the one I've been waiting for...can you hear me exhale?

There is this nagging little voice that I'm trying to ignore that tells me I will change after my trip.  Annoying as it is the voice is asking if he will still want to marry me when I return?  I wish the voice would shut up. 

The future...just walk through, Gracie.  Fuck the fear...you of all people know fear only stops progress.

Travel With A New Purpose...

Feeling a bit nostalgic I just read some of my posts from last summer's trip to Spain.   As I'm reading I'm thinking to myself how different my life is now.  I was asked last summer if my trip to Spain was my way of running away.  At that time I WAS running, but at the same time I was healing and most significantly I was growing....I wonder if the person who asked me about running away has grown?

I've been planning my next adventure which begins in two months.  My journey will take me to France, back to Spain, and to Portugal.  Am I running again?  Of course, but this time I'm running TO something...discovery, exploration, opportunity, and life.

One of my best friends, and gay husband, sent me a box of business cards this week.  Under my name it says, "Teacher/Writer/Explorer," and the quote at the top appropriately states, "Not all those who wander are lost."  Amazing what happens in a year's time, isn't it?

Last summer I left Virgina feeling lost and a bit broken.  This summer I will leave knowing that this is the way my life SHOULD be.  I'm supposed to explore and I'm supposed to write.  As far as being broken...well, all is put back together and stronger than ever.

I wrote last summer that I am a survivor...that I've always achieved the goals I set.  This is true...this last year I've made tremendous strides not only as a teacher, but as a writer, and as a woman.  What is truly amazing is that the reality is so much sweeter than I originally visualized.

Sometimes I have to stop and wonder if all this is really happening.  Am I about to travel Europe for six weeks on my own?  Am I a homeowner?  Am I really a paid writer?  Am I at peace at my school?  Am I in love for real this time?

Yep...it is REALLY happening...thanks...I'm enjoying each and every delicious moment...

Discovering Love Over Forty...

Easter Sunday...millions of people taking the once a year pilgrimage to their local church. My mother will hate this, but I don't really need a large building to give thanks to my higher power. However, like those millions I'm sitting here thanking God, Jesus, Allah, Mother Earth, and the Buddha for how my life has evolved in the last year.

Now I don't want this post to be some sick, love-struck rambling of a 45 year-old woman just discovering who she is...but I must say this is exactly how I feel now; right down to that effervescent glow one gets after having days of eye-popping, toe-curling sex.

Too much information? Know what? I really don't care. This feeling is just too SPECTACULAR and for you ladies who are in your 40's and going through those lovely pre-menopause changes, this is the time to truly discover who you are as a woman.

I don't mean just the sex thing. Sex is wonderfully intoxicating in your 40's, but self-discovery takes a soul to an whole other level.

I mean discovering who you are in all aspects of life. Do you ever ask yourself where your place is in this world? Or that fear evoking question, what exactly have I done in life that means something? Come on, you know exactly what I am talking about.

In the last year I've asked myself those same questions...and I am still striving to answer them. What has changed is that the journey to find the answers has become so delicious, so entertaining, so fearless...I'm just giddy with excitement.

I have learned one thing: I am not just one woman. I am many women all wrapped up into this 45 year-old body. I'm a teacher, I'm a friend, I'm a paid writer, I'm a traveler, I'm a lover. Oh God, I'm hearing Helen Reddy's song, "I am Woman Hear Me Roar" in my head...Not exactly where I wanted my brain to go, but do you get the picture I'm trying to paint here?

I wonder if the majority of women are this lucky - that they can truly find themselves as they journey through their 40's? I really hope so. Unfortunately, I think there are too many women who are just too scared to step outside of their safe little two car garage box...sadly, I think I am in the minority. Will the others learn before it is too late?

The thing is, I haven't done anything special. My life isn't something that Oprah would televise or anything like that...too boring for her. What I have done is to step outside of myself, to risk, and to have an unbelievable amount of faith that the universe would bring me exactly what I want.

What I want - and that is? You may or may not be thinking. Well, for one I want to be more than just a school teacher. I find nothing more pathetic that a middle aged, single school teacher who lives for her students. I want to write and actually be published and paid. I want to travel the world. Finally, I want what so many people crave...unconditional love from someone.

Today, as I said before, I'm feeling like a love-struck school girl. This so hard for me to grasp, but the universe has seen fit to send me this person who is on so many levels what I've been looking for my entire life.

I'm desperately to keep myself in the moment. For one, I know if I get too far ahead of myself, I'll fuck this up, but the MOMENT is so spine tingling that I feel the need to soak every last drop of love that is coming from this man. And believe me, in this case, "MAN" is exactly what this person is...more MAN than anyone I've ever met.

It is not just what he gives or what he does, it is WHO he is. How he LOOKS at me. How he TOUCHES me. Just the look he gives, or the brush of his hand on mine says so much...that I'm the ONE he wants to be with mind, body, and soul...EEK!

That's the thing, the part that I admit I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around; I'm the one he WANTS to be WITH...never in my wildest dreams...Not that I don't deserve it, but really, look at my track record.

I guess one could say...it is about freakin' time...and ladies, hear me now, find this for yourself...somewhere...it is TOO GOOD to let time pass and not experience something like this. Believe me, it will be a sad day if you let time pass and don't ever experience this kind of love.

I'm discovering that women really become WHO they are in their 40's. Some may say that I've missed out because I've remained single and childless. Whatever...I've missed nothing. For those of you who have gone the married/children route and are thinking to yourself, "What about ME?" It is time...take what you need, live, discover...you deserve it...we all deserve it...

Damn, Helen Reddy is singing in my head again...maybe I should sing along...

Summer Travel Plans...EEK!

Spring means three things to me...the daffodils and cherry blossoms begin to bloom, school will be out in less than three months, and I must plan for my summer travels.

With flowers blooming comes warm weather...such a relief especially after this winter of 55 inches of snow. The school year coming to an end - bitter because I've gotten attached to my students - sweet because I am so ready to send them on their way. Planning for my summer trip...well...exciting and a bit nerve wrecking.

This weekend is the start of spring break and today I've had quite a lot of quiet time to read and plan my trip. My plane ticket is bought. I arrive in Paris on June 29 and I leave Madrid August 19. There are 50 days in the middle for me to explore and discover yet another part of myself.

As I've researched today I've realized one thing: I cannot wait to GO!

This trip is so different from last summer's trip to Spain. Last summer the overwhelming need to be away from here - away from HIM was the main objective. This year it is about discovering ME, living in a way I've never lived...and WRITING like I've never written before.

So far I will be in Paris for three days and Nice for five days. In Nice I will be able to take day trips to the San Tropez, Monoco and other nifty places. From there...not sure...I had thought I would spend the bulk of my time in southern Spain...but I've been reading about Portugal and am leaning to spend more time there...who freaking knew that would happen?

This is the amazing thing...my ideas for my trip keep changing...who knows where I will go or what I will do....this makes me giddy with excitement...the unknown...this will make my mother very crazy...she worries...you know how moms can be.

I will be traveling mostly by train. Eurail has great Passes...and I'm so there...one price...train to many places...what more could a girl want?

In three months I will be in France...it is unbelievable. Saying that I am blessed sounds so...predictable. This is exactly how I feel - totally and completely BLESSED! Some may think that saying "Thanks Universe" is trite...but I am thinking that this is the appropriate response - so THANKS UNIVERSE!

No Fear...Really!

Finally...over 50 degrees this weekend. When you live on the East Coast you live for these weekends. I plan on doing some research on an article I'm going to write for Tripwolf, a travel website that has shown interest in my writing.

Life seems to be moving very fast these days. I'm getting writing assignments, which is good..really good, in fact. It looks like my summer of travel will be filled with writing jobs...perfectly amazing if you ask me.

Who knew? That is what I keep asking myself. The last four years have been such a challenge...so much change...so much heartbreak...and now great things are happening...and for the first time in my life I am not afraid...I'm actually embracing all these blessings without hesitation.

No fear...how refreshing...how different for me. I've always had this facade...the brave girl who can handle almost anything. When on the inside I am a deer in headlights hoping that the floor won't fall out from under me.

Writing...I know, it is so unbelievably cool that there are publications that like what I write.

Travel...I will travel Europe again this summer...the entire eight weeks...no matter what...the discovery that will happen makes me giggle with excitement.

Love...he loves me...he gave me a ring...not THAT type of ring...but a ring...and I wear it knowing that this person is who I want in my life...That something like that would happen just blows my mind. Even more I haven't fucked it up...OK, Gracie, don't go there.

Work...work is work...I've let go. I have no control. My life away from work is more important. I'm focusing on those at school who provide me with conversations that stimulate me instructionally and intellectually. The rest of them...no relevance in the big picture.

Work...again...I'm presenting at the Virginia Council of Teachers of Mathematics (VCTM). This is a state conference where I will talk about what I do with math in my classroom...who fucking knew that would ever happen...but it is...I'm not questioning it...just enjoying the journey...

Let it all happen...no fear...I like that...

Snow Days....

Snow...it has been snowing for what seems like weeks now. I've seen more snow than I've ever seen in my life. At first it was exciting, a winter wonderland right out my front door. While cabin fever hasn't completely over-taken my mind...I sure could use some 70 degree days.

We've been out of school for a week now. Not that I mind...I'm not really one of those teachers who lives her life for her students. What I do miss is the human contact.

Look, I haven't been alone. My new friend has spent these

wintery days and nights here with me at my place. As great as that has been, sometimes a girl needs other people to talk to.

There's so much that has been racing through my brain as I watch the snow fall. Summer vacation will be here before I know it. My summer travels are coming together...well the finances I'm going to need to spend two months roaming through Europe are coming together. With that writing jobs are coming my way...so my travels will be filled with some work.

Other thoughts, like how this summer is going to change me...It is bound to happen...last summer in Spain changed me. Will my new friend like me then...more importantly will I still like him? That's the thing; I don't have any hesitation about leaving him here for two months while I go discover the world...It is like THAT life doesn't include him what so ever...and I'm ok with that.

The past has made a brief visit during this latest snow storm. It makes me curious...why now? I'm moving forward. Is this the universe's way of keeping me in the present? Keeping me focused on what is in front of me right now? The past can fuck me up...take me backwards...and there's entirely too much in front of me...so what ever you do, don't turn around, Gracie.

Yep...some warm weather would be pretty awesome right now....