Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Future...Here I Come!

Sometimes life changes so fast it is hard to keep up.  The school year is almost over and I am looking back wondering where it all went.  Did I accomplish anything in my classroom?

I came to this school with such hopes and one by one those hopes were either pushed aside or squashed with such force that my first reaction was to retreat into my shell like a turtle in fear of being run over by a car.

Over time I came out of my shell and found bits and pieces of time where I could take my students to new heights.  Deep down, I know it is not enough.  Yet I've agreed to stay - for the time being.  Another opportunity came my way last week, a new school that fits exactly with my philosophy.  The principal likes me but currently there's no position for me.  So I wait...not exactly something I am good at.

I know that what is supposed to happen will happen.  New school or in the same place.  I'll make it work - that much I've learned this year...OK I hope and pray I make it all work.  I do know that keeping my mouth shut and just "do" what I do works best for me.  A bit of growth I think. 

The thing is that there's so much more to my life now than school.  This is taking more of my attention each day.  My real life.  My future.  I've always tentatively shied away from the word, "future".  Now I think it is time to looked "future" in they eye and walk through without hesitation.

I'm going to be a writer...that I know.  Will there be obstacles to climb, of course.  My life has always been filled with obstacles...fine...I turn them into opportunity, but I will be a writer.  Not just a blogger.  A writer who has books in bookstore with people who buy them and everything.  That has been the dream forever and the time has come.

Leave on my trip in less than a month.  Finding it hard to believe that I made this happen.  This trip is so important and so necessary to my future.  I must admit I'm having pre-trip jitters.  Three countries, six weeks, and me on my own.  New people, places, and so much to explore...sheesh...who knew?

This summer I am leaving someone behind.  I know that I will miss him dearly.  He, too, is my future.  This has been the toughest part to wrap my head around.  He's asked me to marry him and I've said, "yes."  People who know me know this is huge.  I'm so sure though...he's the one I've been waiting for...can you hear me exhale?

There is this nagging little voice that I'm trying to ignore that tells me I will change after my trip.  Annoying as it is the voice is asking if he will still want to marry me when I return?  I wish the voice would shut up. 

The future...just walk through, Gracie.  Fuck the fear...you of all people know fear only stops progress.

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