I have two weeks until I go back to work. I see this time as the calm before the storm. Please do not take this as a negative statement. This is truly a gift of time that allows me to continue taking charge of my life...putting into action the decisions I talked about in my last posting. However, as I am taking action my brain goes on overload with thoughts and ideas of what exactly I am accomplishing here..and the new life that I am about to begin...yes folks, I am about to begin a brand new life.
My trip to Spain sent me on a spectacular adventure, one that will stay with me forever. More importantly, my trip allowed a new person to emerge - a new and improved Gracie, if you will. However, for this new Gracie to thrive I must let go of the old Gracie - the girl that is no longer needed in my new life.
So my thoughts over the last week have been consumed with letting go of parts of my life that are no longer necessary. You see, the old Gracie is a person who has never been comfortable when it comes to opening her heart up. The old Gracie is very good at "faking" and appearing like she is open - the reality is that there is a wall around that girl that very few have ever penetrated.
In Spain the wall crumbled into dust. This was not anything I did consciously...it just happened...and to my surprise I liked the girl behind that wall better...she glows...she is lovely...and she is who I really am. Right now the only thing on my mind is keeping her alive.
You may think this is easy, trust me it is not - it is really flippin' hard. Old Gracie is very strong, and very comforting in times of stress. She can manipulate and justify every negative action that comes to mind or out of my mouth. Old Gracie is afraid of the person that I discovered while in Spain. Afraid because as the new Gracie grows a piece of the old must die in order to make space. I know this sounds like I am a crazy person fighting with my multiple personalities - OK I get that...and you are sort of right in that regard.
I'm looking at the death of old Gracie as an ending, but also a beginning of a great journey. So you can see why these two weeks before school starts - this calm before the storm - are so important. Each day I am joyfully letting go of Old Gracie...giving her lots of love, light and thanks because she has been or rather is someone that has been so good to me, protected me, and been my friend when I felt I didn't have a friend in the world. These two weeks are giving me the time and space to say good-bye.
This path that I am on is truly fascinating. As get to know new Gracie, I am beginning to understand that the "stuff" that was so disturbing in my life before I went to Spain really do not hold the same value. For example, it is no longer a terrible thing that I don't really "fit" in Virginia. Or that I do not have as many friends as I had in California. Not to sound like a clique, but I've found some peace in both of those aspects of my life. In the big picture of where I'm going those things do not really matter.
So what does matter? How I treat others matters. How I treat myself matters. Sending love and light out into the world matters. Allowing the new Gracie to become the most beautiful person she know how to be matters. Those other things...those worries are the things that will keep new Gracie from taking the amazing journey she is about to take.
Look, I am human and I love having people in my life...I am truly blessed by the people who are my friends. However, don't you think it is a bit silly to put all my focus on trying "fit in", or searching endlessly for new friends. or even looking for a boyfriend. Isn't it better to focus on this new amazing person I see myself becoming? The new Gracie is turning out to be a truly great person...doesn't it make sense to have faith that truly great things will come her way?
The calm before the storm...a gift I must remember as I start the school year and the things that don't really matter start creeping their way into my soul...and you know they
will. I am curious about what my reaction will be when those little "things" tap my soul on the shoulder. How interesting this journey will be....