Monday, August 10, 2009

Taking Charge

I have two "best friends" in this world. My best girlfriend lives in Los Angeles and I call her "the wife", and my best guy friend is traveling the world. I call him my "gay husband". These two people have seen me through thick and thin over the last 20 years. They have loved me unconditionally as I've been good, bad, and even ugly. Before we even get started here, let me say that I cannot imagine life without "the wife" or my "gay husband".

Last week I received an email from the wife. It was a Daily Kabbalah Tune Up titled "Take Charge" and said:

You are the only one who will make your life different.
Your personal growth and betterment is related to how much you want to lead in your own life. That is how much you will manifest. Today take charge in those areas where you have given your power over to others.

A day later my gay husband sends me a link to an article he wrote for Matador Travel, a travel and lifestyle web site. In his article he mentioned me and how after going to Spain I've discovered that a new way of life is not only possible, but within my reach...all I need to do is TAKE CHARGE.

In the two weeks since I've returned from Spain have been, dare I say...extremely challenging. I've been walking around in a state of sadness, confusion, and self destructiveness. I'm not proud of this, but to be honest I have not been TAKING CHARGE OF MY LIFE! Although I haven't really shared much about these last two weeks with my wife or my gay husband, they both instinctively and separately sent me these messages as a way to kick my ass into gear...thanks, guys...

I know, the question in your mind is: Why have I been allowing LIFE to take charge of ME instead of the other way around? I'm not sure. Coming back from Spain did make me sad...I loved it there more than I thought was possible. I discovered a new life is possible and right there in front of me, but I'm not sure how to incorporate it into my current life here in Virginia....that's where the confusion comes in. The self-destructive piece of this puzzle just appears when I'm either sad or confused about how to make my next move in life...sort of my little way of punishing myself...why I think I deserve to be punished...I have no fucking clue...that is one of those little secrets about myself that most don't know about...guess I've let that cat out of the bag haven't I?

Just to clarify my self-destructive behaviors...they manifest themselves in different ways...this time it's not exercising, eating anything that can make me fat, and smoking cigarettes. I know you are like, "Big deal, Gracie. Those things are not SO bad." Well...YES they ARE, because they are my way of alienating myself from know keeping others away from me...very healthy!

So here I sit, five pound heavier since I've returned from Spain, my muscle mass depleting, and smelling like an ashtray...not an attractive picture, I know...and not one I am very proud of. So you can see how important it is that I TAKE CHARGE before two weeks becomes two months, or two get the picture.

For me, TAKING CHARGE comes in stages. First, I figure out why this has started in the first place. I have this part covered: before going to Spain I was looking for a home to buy, psyched to start a new school, and in a place where I had let HIM go....A nice little safe package. I come back from Spain and I do not know if buying my own home is the right thing to do, I'm ambivalent about starting a new school, and HE has responded to my writing like a jealous, left out boyfriend, who supposedly wants to be my friend, which is not only confusing, but sort of pisses me off. I can hear the wife now, "Gracie, you've given your power away!" I KNOW this...that is what I'm trying to resolve here.

The second stage is to start DOING. For me this means I exercise even though I don't want to. I eat food that doesn't contain complex carbohydrates - they not only make me fat, they make me a bit depressed. I also, make sure I don't smoke cigarettes. The second stage is critical and the most difficult to achieve...but I know taking it one day at a time is the only way...can you guess I've been down this road many times before.

Third and final stage of TAKING CHARGE is to make decisions. So decision number one: I will buy my own place. Doing this gives me a home base, and a VERY LARGE tax deduction that will give me the funds to travel all summer if I choose. Some may look at me owning a home as a chain that will keep me in Virginia. I'm seeing it as the vehicle that will enable me continue exploring that new life I discovered in Spain.

Decision number two: I know going to a new school is a GREAT thing. I do have FAITH that it will be a wonderfully productive and peaceful school year. My experiences at my old school are a thing of the past that I will stomp on whenever they rear their disgusting head. Again, teaching in Virginia will give much needed security that will allow me to continue delve deeper into a new life. One more year and I am eligible to take a year off, teach overseas, and come back still having a job.

Decision number three: HIM...I am not sure he knows how to be my friend...especially now that I've returned from Spain. I keep asking myself, do I really care anymore if he is my friend or not? I mean, what is it exactly that I'm getting out of this "friendship"? I do not mean to sound callus, but after a while it just becomes boring. In this case I know my thoughts are better served elsewhere....Can you guess what my decision is?
I know...I have shared a lot with this posting, but I think it was necessary. Remember this blog is mostly for ME. Who knows, maybe there are others who have similar situations....and are trying to figure out for themselves how to TAKE CHARGE.....

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