Thinking about my new life that I'm walking towards I am realizing that there is a word that must now be included in my vocabulary: surrender. My way has always been to work, fight, or push my way into getting what I want. Now I am finding, much to my discomfort, that fighting and pushing is not going to get me where I want to be.
Just surrender. That is what the voice in my head keeps telling me...just surrender, Gracie. Have faith that you will find the contentment and peace you are looking for. I am all for faith and for listening to that inner voice. So why am I having such a rough time coming to terms with this just surrender concept?
This started when I found a condo I wanted to buy. I put an offer in all seemed good. Then, I find out that there are all these obstacles: the seller wants to wait to approve, it is in short sale so I need to wait for the seller's bank to give an approval, my agent doesn't want to push the listing agent. All the while I'm thinking to myself, "Hey people, I made the decision to buy a place, this is part of the plan of my life...will you just make it WORK OUT for flips sake?"
So woman makes plans and God laughs. I've heard this a million times over...nice joke...thanks. Now what? That voice again, "Just surrender..." The old Gracie wants to fight kicking and screaming...the new Gracie knows this will only bring sadness and stress. But the old Gracie is screaming at me, "Only WIMPS surrender...you are no WIMP!"
I know that there is strength to be found in surrendering. I just cannot see it yet. I think that is what is troubling me most. I cannot see what is on the other side. I KNOW this is where the faith comes in...knowing that the other side will be wonderful. Can't I just get a peek? Come on what do you say?
All this is making me very closed off. I do not want to talk to anyone. I definitely do not want to go look at more houses with my real estate agent. Just the desperate look on his face and his voice telling me that condo X is a great place...it doesn't matter that you can get mugged as you're going home or that you have to go to the basement to share a community laundry room, it's perfect for you, Gracie...I just cannot do this anymore.
Buying or not buying my own place is just a catalyst or a crossroads or a fork in the road, maybe even a test. The important thing is how I handle this situation will determine how my new life will proceed. I do not know how I know this...I just know. I am not sure how to just surrender. I want to think it doesn't mean to just give up...because even the new Gracie is not a quitter.
I'm sitting here and I realize that I am totally and completely afraid to just let go and surrender. The thought of just going on faith at this time is terrifying me...So much so that I have stopped momentarily and that is even more scary...this is a problem...
I am a person of solutions...there's a problem I want to immediately find a solution and put it into action. Trouble is I cannot exactly find a solution...I know just surrender...but what does that mean? Once I figure that out I'll let you know....