Thursday, May 28, 2009

Wine or Whine?

I’m going to a wine festival this weekend with some friends from work. Great, right? It is great; I really like the people I’m going with. The only problem is that they are all married so I will sorta be the 5th wheel for this outing. Usually I’m OK with this, but I’m feeling a little strange. I’m that friend who isn’t attached, who is a great “catch”, but still without a “date”. This totally sucks! Being 44 years old and the friend without a date is…well…kinda depressing.

I never really thought I would be that “friend”. I know I should look at it like maybe I’ll meet someone who will knock my socks off…have an open mind and all that. That is the problem. I don’t really want someone else. I want the person I was with – remember the broken heart guy? He well checked out when his life got too tough. He and I have emailed back and forth a bit in the last month. I’m not sure if this means that we are friends. Email can be so safely impersonal. I must say that I loved being friends with him; he got me in a way that no one else ever has and appreciated my quirks unconditionally. I miss that the most. Part of me wants to call him and ask him to come with me to the wine festival.

I know that this feeling is just my hormones talking. Going through perimenopaus my hormones tend to heighten my emotions – especially during “that time of the month”. I’m trying to learn not to react to those feelings. You know like not call HIM or email HIM. Any contact right at this moment would be dangerous to my health – yes DANGEROUS! In normal life I’m an emotional person, but with the lovely gift of my hormones going completely wacky, I am thinking that taking such a risk would just set me up for a grave disappointment – like I just can’t take the risk of being rejected right now. This is so fucked up, because I’m normally thick skinned enough to take whatever comes into my world and not really be too affected by what others do or think. Lately, well…I sit and stew wondering why I don’t’ just go for it? You know, be that person who just looks at life and says, “Hey, go get you want.” What I want is to be with HIM – but that isn’t to be right now – so it’s the next best thing, find someone else to replace HIM.

Knowing what I want, I know that I must put myself out there, make some room in my universe for someone new to come in. Doing that means pushing HIM out of my head and heart. Easier said than done as my heart is fighting with my head and so far is winning battle after battle and keeping HIM front and center. But removing him from my universe is a necessity if I want to move forward. This was so much easier when I was in my 20’s or even in my 30’s. Then I just moved on…looking for WHO’S NEXT – you know? Why am I finding it so hard to cut HIM out of my world? Fucking hormones…I’m convinced they are out to get me. Maybe I just need to get good and laid…ok…hormones talking again.

Never being the girl to allow obstacles to get in my way, and always being the girl who will just go for it – I’ll be going to the wine festival with high hopes and the only expectation of having a festive time with some friends – but wouldn’t it be nice if some cute guy asks me for my phone number?

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