The Future...Here I Come!

Sometimes life changes so fast it is hard to keep up.  The school year is almost over and I am looking back wondering where it all went.  Did I accomplish anything in my classroom?

I came to this school with such hopes and one by one those hopes were either pushed aside or squashed with such force that my first reaction was to retreat into my shell like a turtle in fear of being run over by a car.

Over time I came out of my shell and found bits and pieces of time where I could take my students to new heights.  Deep down, I know it is not enough.  Yet I've agreed to stay - for the time being.  Another opportunity came my way last week, a new school that fits exactly with my philosophy.  The principal likes me but currently there's no position for me.  So I wait...not exactly something I am good at.

I know that what is supposed to happen will happen.  New school or in the same place.  I'll make it work - that much I've learned this year...OK I hope and pray I make it all work.  I do know that keeping my mouth shut and just "do" what I do works best for me.  A bit of growth I think. 

The thing is that there's so much more to my life now than school.  This is taking more of my attention each day.  My real life.  My future.  I've always tentatively shied away from the word, "future".  Now I think it is time to looked "future" in they eye and walk through without hesitation.

I'm going to be a writer...that I know.  Will there be obstacles to climb, of course.  My life has always been filled with obstacles...fine...I turn them into opportunity, but I will be a writer.  Not just a blogger.  A writer who has books in bookstore with people who buy them and everything.  That has been the dream forever and the time has come.

Leave on my trip in less than a month.  Finding it hard to believe that I made this happen.  This trip is so important and so necessary to my future.  I must admit I'm having pre-trip jitters.  Three countries, six weeks, and me on my own.  New people, places, and so much to explore...sheesh...who knew?

This summer I am leaving someone behind.  I know that I will miss him dearly.  He, too, is my future.  This has been the toughest part to wrap my head around.  He's asked me to marry him and I've said, "yes."  People who know me know this is huge.  I'm so sure though...he's the one I've been waiting for...can you hear me exhale?

There is this nagging little voice that I'm trying to ignore that tells me I will change after my trip.  Annoying as it is the voice is asking if he will still want to marry me when I return?  I wish the voice would shut up. 

The future...just walk through, Gracie.  Fuck the fear...you of all people know fear only stops progress.

Vino Tinto....

Went to the Vintage Virginia fall Wine Festival yesterday. You may remember me posting about the spring version of this festival...that was only last May, but it seems like a lifetime ago.

Yesterday was a perfect pre-fall day...75 degrees and sunny...I went with friends and we took a picnic and drank a lot of wine on the grass....just lovely.

A man named Larry hung out with us for a while, asking me for my email when we left. This morning I get an email asking if I want to go out next Saturday...OMG a date on a Saturday night!! I'm not sure I'm attracted to Larry, but a free dinner and conversation...it sure beats take out and Law and Order repeats...plus every woman likes to be seen as a woman now and then.

I received two lovely emails from people I had met in Spain. Ester, is teacher who lives in Madrid. I thought Ester was a really cool lady and I am glad she reached out to say hello. I asked her if she wanted our students to be pen-pals...Was that a lame thing to ask her? I mean, school is in session, people, and those 5th graders are supposed to be able to write letters.

The other email was from "J"...remember... I wrote about him when I came back from Spain. He just makes me smile...he has this amazing way of using the English language...it is not always correct, but it is quite beautiful. I bet he is a really great writer in Spanish....I wonder if he's heard of Gabriel Garcia Marquez ? I think I need a pen-pal, don't you?

Keep your fingers crossed that this time next week I will be "under contract" as we say in the real estate business. Just a little condo...but mine...and tax deductable.

I met Andres Friday night for a beer and some conversation. I gotta tell you it is hard to speak Spanish during happy hour. There was a lot of "Como? Como?", but I just rambled on in my rickety Spanish and Andres smiles, corrects me, making me repeat things over and over again to get the pronouncation just right...

It seems like I'm having a life....

Alguna Vez...Conmigo....

I just love watching football on Sunday! And the title of this posting means nothing...just my new favorite words to stay in Spanish!

This weekend you could feel that the seasons are starting to change...fall is coming. I like fall in Virginia. The air is just crisp enough to have to wear a jacket. The leaves will magically change into the most beautifully vibrant colors. School has started and life is consumed by getting to know the lovely little darlings that have graced you with their presence. Football season begins...and Sundays are filled with watching very large men take a ball down a grass field while they bash into each other...muy perfecto!

The first week of school was good. I am definitely not in the ghetto anymore. These are nice kids...way more innocent than my classes at my other school. They are a year younger, but even the 6th graders look innocent in this place. Things are way different from my old school. I've had to make changes, but change is good for every soul.

My approach to the way I teach has changed a bit...well how I structure things anyway. This was difficult for me...to fit what I think a good classroom is into this school's structure and schedule. Of course I fought it for a minute...then I took a step back and re-thought my approach...how would the new Gracie handle things? Once I relaxed into their schedule and went with the flow, ideas just started popping into my brains...I can be a kick ass teacher and make it all fit into their world...

Just a bit more of the nerdy teacher stuff here. This school "flexible groups" for math and language arts. I have the "lower" classes for both math and language arts. The thing that is kinda cool is that the class sizes are pretty small. Math is a bit bigger (20 kids) because I combined with the special ed teacher. My group for language arts is unbelievably small - only 12-15 kids! Do you realize how totally cool that is? I can do so much....lit circles, a lot of guided reading, real writing conferences....I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

I know I did a lot of complaining...but I'm so glad that I just frigging relaxed with it all...because there are nice people at this school...and I would like to stay a while.

I've met with my language partner, Andres, twice now. Yesterday we met downtown and spoke in English and Spanish for about three hours. Andres is a graduate student from Columbia. It would be very 'romance novel' for me to describe Andres as a tall, beautifully sculpted Latino man who looks deeply into my soul with smoldering eyes. As cool as that fantasy is, my Andres is a skinny awkward kid/man studying to be an electrical engineer. He is very patient with my butchering his home language, and he's starting to get some of my jokes and word usage,,,So far so good...The hot language partner of my fantasies will continue to thrive in my imagination.

However, I WILL be ready for Spain...Keeping my eye on the prize....Spain...travel for the two summer months. You know what is funny? I really want to buy my own place...but I am seeing home ownership my ticket to summer travel...is there something wrong with that...you know being motivated by travel??

Speaking of home ownership....I lost out on the perfect place this week. My agent couldn't show me the property on Wednesday night when it became available. We looked on Thursday went to place an offer to HUD and someone had bid Wednesday night and the offer was accepted Thursday. I know, I guess it really wasn't the perfect house. Sheesh...

My agent is not very pro-active at finding me places. He should know what I like by now, we've put offers in on five different places. My little go-getter sits back and waits for me find the places...I may have to fire him if I am really seriously wanting to buy something.

Well....my new year has begun...I think I've mentioned that a teacher's year begins in September...me gusto mucho...gracias!

New School Growing Pains

Have you ever been the "new kid in school"? I have many times in my life. From kindergarten to 12th grade I went to thirteen different schools....so being the new kid is something I learned how to do a long time ago...or so I thought. This week I was the "new" teacher at school. While a learning experience in an abundance of ways, being a "new" teacher in a school is a lot like having a scarlet "TN tatooed onto ones forehead.

Right off, let me just say that there are many people who have been very nice, helpful, and have made me feel right at home. However, the learning curve one goes through when starting at a new school is like walking into an alien spaceship or a foreigh country. All of a sudden everything I have known about being a teacher is not understood by those around me. I is like I am speaking another language and have no dictionary to refer to.

Everything I mentioned about doing in my classroom was answered with a, "we don't do that here." or "I'm sorry, I don't know you as a teacher so I am not sure you can teach these students." Talk about getting slapped into insecurity zone from the get go.

Of course being me, I took everything VERY personal and cried most of the week. I HATED where I was at for the last 3 years, but in those moments I so wanted to be back there...at least they knew I do good things with my students...

Again, being me, with the emotion that was seeping out of my skin like sweat off of a fat guy, I shut down completely. This was exactly what I DIDN'T want to do...but there it was...me with a HUGE wall around me that the largest sledgehammer couldn't break through. I came off exactly as I was...unapproachable, emotional, and really unhappy about deciding to teach at this school.

I did rally back Thursday night and went in Friday with a happy face agreeing with whatever they said...outwardly agreeing anyway. I am hoping this attitude will last. I know frustration will rear its ugly head...then what?

Frustrated...that is the key word here. One example is that I am working with a BRAND NEW special ed teacher for math - in a co-teaching situation, which is great....I love co-teaching. So today this woman tells me she has doubts that this will work...that special educations students will not learn with general education students. She hasn't even met the students! How does she know what they can or cannot do? I smiled and said that I am going in with the attitude that we will be a successful team and produce successful students and am hopeing she can see things the same way...she said she would try...WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? How can a person walk into a school with the attitude that students are not going to succeed?

You know, all I really want to do is teach and make students successful. I want to be shown a little respect and treated like I am a credible teacher. I want my own place to buy and to move. Iwant to make enough money so I can travel next summer for the entire 2 months. It is not a lot to ask. I am not even asking for some guy to be my boyfriend, or for HIM to like me again, or for people to hang out with...so why does it feel like I am constantly swimming upstream to fight a battle that I am not sure I am even going to win? These ARE attainable goals...aren't they?

Fantasy Land

I told myself that I would have one week to be in what I call, Fantasy Land. This is sort of limbo where I'm not quite here in Virginia, but I'm not quite in Spain. I'm in-between...I do those at home things like go to the gym and do laundry, but then I do Spain things like eat what I want, drink wine, and daydream about another life. One week...then back to my reality that is Virginia....well the week ends on Sunday, and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to come back.

I was asked last night why do I stay in Virginia if it isn't really "home" for me. My answer was that I have "things" to do here, I'm not finished, and until I'm finished those "things" will follow me where ever I go. Plus my gut tells me that if I don't find some peace here, I won't find peace anywhere else. But since I came back from Spain last Saturday I look around and ask myself, "What the fuck are you doing here, Gracie?"

I know that quite a lot of this is the after my vacation backlash. I knew when I left Spain that I would experience these feelings...that I would feel a bit down and a little afraid of coming back to a life where I'm not entirely happy. That being said, I KNOW that it is up to me to make myself happy and not allow those dark feelings to take over my life. So now the question is, what do I gotta do to make myself happy?

Please don't get the perception that I'm this miserable human being because I'm not - far from it. I have a good job that I love, I can pay my bills, I'm in a position to buy my first home, I have good friends, over all...I have a good life and for that I'm extremely grateful. It's that contented feeling that I'm striving for...right now...yo no soy muy contenta as they say in Espana.

Going to a new school this year is good start...but it is also one of those "things" I need to deal with here in Virginia. I'm really afraid for the start of school at the end of August. I didn't realize just how afraid I was until I went to book club with some of my new colleagues Tuesday.

It's like this...I know that I'm hard to get to know...I can make small talk, no problem...but when the conversation gets too personal I either say entirely too much or I shut down. Saying too much too soon is very dangerous as it can come and bite you in the ass....I experienced that at my last school. Shutting down is even more dangerous because then I give the perception that I'm aloof and unfriendly. I'm not sure where the middle ground is on this....any suggestions? I also know that I have a very strong personality and that I am very passionate about education and how things should be taught. Thus, I sometimes give the perception that I'm a 'know it all" and people don't like that. So again, I do one of two things...I talk too much or I shut down...again, both equally dangerous, to repeat...NOT SURE WHERE THE MIDDLE GROUND IS. These "work things" have been with me my entire life...so I got to deal...it's now or never.

That is the work side of things. On the personal side, this week in Fantasy Land has magnified just how on my own I am here in Virginia. My really good friends are either in California or traveling the world. I have made a couple calls to people that are "friends" here in Virginia...but calls haven't gotten returned or people are off living lives that don't include me. This is another "thing" I must deal with here in Virginia - I either need to figure out at age 44 how to make friends or be at peace with not having friends here. This "no friend" things isn't as pathetic as I'm making it sound - I have plans next week for dinner with a friend, and I did see HIM last night - I guess he's a friend...that's how we left it anyway...we'll see if he picks up that ball.

HIM as a friend...there's a blog for you - Can A Person be Friends With Someone After Being in Love With Them? I'll think on that, in the meantime, seeing HIM - interesting - especially since he's been reading this blog and has reacted passionately a couple times through email, which is kinda nice that my writing affected someone. We did need to talk with each other...clear things I guess. I will say that I was having some dangerous thoughts last night (the wine, I think) had thought become action I would be writing an entirely different blog today. So friends? Well I guess he does know me better than anyone else here in Virginia. I do know we enjoy talking with each other; and we like, even love each other as people, but will we be friends? I left the door open...if he walks through I'll go from there....Look, don't freak out I''m just saying what I'm thinking...I would like him to walk through that door, but I will be very surprised if he does, as it is often easier to just walk past.

I have realized that today's writing is kind of all over the place. I guess that is just my state of mind here in Fantasy Land. Quite often my thoughts do that...they float around me like a bunch of dandelion seeds blowing in the wind. I think writing them down makes them less overwhelming and keeps their voices quieter.

I do know what I need to do once I leave Fantasy Land on Sunday...I need to take care of business and take care of myself so my head is back in the game. Going to Spain put some perspective on how I can deal with the "things" that are haunting me here in Virginia...because once dealt with they will become a distant memory and I will be able to say whole heartedly, "Yo soy muy contenta!"

Until Sunday, I go to the gym, I do laundry, I eat what I want, I drink Spanish wine, and I daydream about another life....

Salamanca Surprise

I'm sitting in a bar/cafe in Salamanca, Spain. It is Wednesday evening. I've been teaching adults conversational English all week...I'm tired and definitely "talked out"...but I'm so loving this week.

I've been involved in this program called Vaughn Town where I spend a week with businessmen and women teaching them conversational English. Basically, I have numerous conversations with Spanish people. I must tell you this is one of the most interesting and rewarding experiences I've ever had.

The people I have met are quite simply...AWESOME! I cannot even begin to tell you how much these people have enriched my life.

Both sides, the Anglos and the Spaniards, have many different lives. Yet we all came together for a common purpose...to learn. As we talked we learned about each other. At night we put on small skits, dance, sing, and thoroughly entertain each other. O f course there were those of us who explored the Salamanca night life. I have danced like I haven't danced in over a year. My two favorite dance partners are my Spanish sister, Laura and a lovely man named, Joan.

As a teacher I was thrilled and intrigued on how these adults went about learning English. Some were very concerned with grammar while others just wanted to know that they could speak and be understood. I completely understand all this because I had just spent the three previous weeks wandering around Spain where I was desperately trying to learn the language.

During this week I've learned a lot about communication. First, a person doesn't really need perfect grammar to communicate. Second, it is imperative that a people listen closely to each other...this goes for people even when they are speaking the same language. Finally, communication is more than talking. It is facial expressions, tone of voice, and use of body language. These are all things I've known as I've taught many students who don't speak English...the difference is this is the first time I have really been on both ends of the learning to communicate part.

Like I said before the Spaniards I met have totally enriched my life. I cannot begin to express how blessed I feel by meeting them. Of all the Anglos, I was one that was a bit different...the reoccurring theme of me not "fitting". But you know what? These people just accepted that I didn't fit and loved me for it.

Just like the feeling I had in the mountains...I can go back to Virginia and be at peace with "not fitting". I like that I don't fit, and I know that I will continue to bring people into my life who appreciate me simply for who I am.

School's Out

Summer. For a teacher this is the transition time. The end of one school year, a break, then preparing for another school year. Usually the end of the school year is filled with fun, laughter, and joy as the students move on...especially in my case as my 6th graders move on to middle school.

For me the last week of school was filled with emotion, confusion, and some shame. I'm usually emotional at the end of the school year, but this year I knew that I wouldn't be back at this school...and the students knew...we both reacted...I was emotional and they were little disrespectful assholes. Every chance they had they said something hateful or used curse words, or just did what they wanted, which made me be a bit mean to them...all got calmed down and by Thursday, the last day, we all were one big loving family.

There was some confusion for me as I didn't understand why my principal was such a nasty bitch to me. It was the last week, I'm leaving the school, couldn't she just be respectfully civil? I didn't get it, and quite frankly I didn't deserve it. Knowing that this is my principal's issue, I should've just ignored it. Well, I'm a child sometimes and this time I retaliated...I left on the last day without finishing cleaning my classroom. I knew this was wrong...this is where the shame comes in. I planned to come in the next morning to finish, but didn't tell anyone, I just left. Not exactly the best choice on my part.

My principal assumed I wasn't coming back, and began to discredit me to the other teachers. She then threatened to call my new principal and tell him that I didn't clean my classroom. Of course my principal never had the balls to speak to me directly, which would've been the adult thing to do...she talked behind my back and made it so that many of the other teachers at that school don't want to ever see me again. I understand I created this...I take responsibility...and went through beating myself up before I finally forgave myself...by the way I did come in the next day and finish cleaning my classroom.

I am very grateful that I don't have to go back to that school, and I'm very thankful for the things I've learned. I've learned about teaching, but I've also learned how to work within an elementary school...which can be so viciously scary for a "real" west coast girl like myself. But I'm ready to move on...SO READY!

Leaving for Spain on Thursday!