I've been gone from home for almost a week now. My gay husband told me that it would take me a few days to get used to being so far away. He was right. I think I am in the loneliness stage. You know that point where I am wondering if this trip was the best idea.
My three days in Paris were filled with walking among millions of people, but the sudden feeling of being all alone in the world surged in me in such an unexpected way. It was as if I was standing on the outside of this huge club house and I could see into the window but I couldn't find the door that would allow me inside.
I am smart enough to realize that the unbearable heat of Paris, along with the process of getting my travel legs under me didn't help. Finally, on my last day in Paris I found this lovely place, Jardin du Luxenburg. A quiet park where I just sat and gathered myself, and came to peace that I will be away for the next two months.
Last summer when I went to Spain. I left Virginia without a thought. No ties. Just a couple good friends that will always be my good friends. This trip is different...there's someone at home...waiting. In my wildest dreams I never thought something like that would happen. As much as I want to see him, to touch him, just be with him, I must wrap my head around the fact that we are going to be apart for the next few weeks. I have to make a little life for myself where he's in my heart, but not in my day to day life.
A life out here that is mine, this is what I need to do. Sitting here in this hostel in Nice, France I am surrounded by a ton of people. Many of them are young enough to be my children, yet I think I've fit in. Well, I've found a few who seem to accept me as who I am. I think that was what I've been waiting for. To be sitting here in the middle of this frat party hostel writing this post and thinking, "Well...here I am and I'm OK."I ventured out to the beach today. Villefranche was the village/beach I went to. I met Nick, from my hostal on the tram to the bus station. We ended up hanging at the beach all day. Was loads of fun...was some actual intelligent conversation. Was the first time on this trip that I actually felt my normal self. I just sat and talked with another person about life...how lovely.
People who don't travel on their own don't realize how nice it is to find someone to truly bond with.
Tonight in the bar I chatted up people that I've met in the last couple days, plus a couple new people. This one Swedish gentleman, who I met my first night here, asked me why I haven't started writing my novel yet. Good question. I don't know why...where is that fear coming from?
Maybe I'll figure that out here....
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