Discovering Love Over Forty...

Easter Sunday...millions of people taking the once a year pilgrimage to their local church. My mother will hate this, but I don't really need a large building to give thanks to my higher power. However, like those millions I'm sitting here thanking God, Jesus, Allah, Mother Earth, and the Buddha for how my life has evolved in the last year.

Now I don't want this post to be some sick, love-struck rambling of a 45 year-old woman just discovering who she is...but I must say this is exactly how I feel now; right down to that effervescent glow one gets after having days of eye-popping, toe-curling sex.

Too much information? Know what? I really don't care. This feeling is just too SPECTACULAR and for you ladies who are in your 40's and going through those lovely pre-menopause changes, this is the time to truly discover who you are as a woman.

I don't mean just the sex thing. Sex is wonderfully intoxicating in your 40's, but self-discovery takes a soul to an whole other level.

I mean discovering who you are in all aspects of life. Do you ever ask yourself where your place is in this world? Or that fear evoking question, what exactly have I done in life that means something? Come on, you know exactly what I am talking about.

In the last year I've asked myself those same questions...and I am still striving to answer them. What has changed is that the journey to find the answers has become so delicious, so entertaining, so fearless...I'm just giddy with excitement.

I have learned one thing: I am not just one woman. I am many women all wrapped up into this 45 year-old body. I'm a teacher, I'm a friend, I'm a paid writer, I'm a traveler, I'm a lover. Oh God, I'm hearing Helen Reddy's song, "I am Woman Hear Me Roar" in my head...Not exactly where I wanted my brain to go, but do you get the picture I'm trying to paint here?

I wonder if the majority of women are this lucky - that they can truly find themselves as they journey through their 40's? I really hope so. Unfortunately, I think there are too many women who are just too scared to step outside of their safe little two car garage box...sadly, I think I am in the minority. Will the others learn before it is too late?

The thing is, I haven't done anything special. My life isn't something that Oprah would televise or anything like that...too boring for her. What I have done is to step outside of myself, to risk, and to have an unbelievable amount of faith that the universe would bring me exactly what I want.

What I want - and that is? You may or may not be thinking. Well, for one I want to be more than just a school teacher. I find nothing more pathetic that a middle aged, single school teacher who lives for her students. I want to write and actually be published and paid. I want to travel the world. Finally, I want what so many people crave...unconditional love from someone.

Today, as I said before, I'm feeling like a love-struck school girl. This so hard for me to grasp, but the universe has seen fit to send me this person who is on so many levels what I've been looking for my entire life.

I'm desperately to keep myself in the moment. For one, I know if I get too far ahead of myself, I'll fuck this up, but the MOMENT is so spine tingling that I feel the need to soak every last drop of love that is coming from this man. And believe me, in this case, "MAN" is exactly what this person is...more MAN than anyone I've ever met.

It is not just what he gives or what he does, it is WHO he is. How he LOOKS at me. How he TOUCHES me. Just the look he gives, or the brush of his hand on mine says so much...that I'm the ONE he wants to be with mind, body, and soul...EEK!

That's the thing, the part that I admit I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around; I'm the one he WANTS to be WITH...never in my wildest dreams...Not that I don't deserve it, but really, look at my track record.

I guess one could say...it is about freakin' time...and ladies, hear me now, find this for yourself...somewhere...it is TOO GOOD to let time pass and not experience something like this. Believe me, it will be a sad day if you let time pass and don't ever experience this kind of love.

I'm discovering that women really become WHO they are in their 40's. Some may say that I've missed out because I've remained single and childless. Whatever...I've missed nothing. For those of you who have gone the married/children route and are thinking to yourself, "What about ME?" It is time...take what you need, live, discover...you deserve it...we all deserve it...

Damn, Helen Reddy is singing in my head again...maybe I should sing along...

Summer Travel Plans...EEK!

Spring means three things to me...the daffodils and cherry blossoms begin to bloom, school will be out in less than three months, and I must plan for my summer travels.

With flowers blooming comes warm weather...such a relief especially after this winter of 55 inches of snow. The school year coming to an end - bitter because I've gotten attached to my students - sweet because I am so ready to send them on their way. Planning for my summer trip...well...exciting and a bit nerve wrecking.

This weekend is the start of spring break and today I've had quite a lot of quiet time to read and plan my trip. My plane ticket is bought. I arrive in Paris on June 29 and I leave Madrid August 19. There are 50 days in the middle for me to explore and discover yet another part of myself.

As I've researched today I've realized one thing: I cannot wait to GO!

This trip is so different from last summer's trip to Spain. Last summer the overwhelming need to be away from here - away from HIM was the main objective. This year it is about discovering ME, living in a way I've never lived...and WRITING like I've never written before.

So far I will be in Paris for three days and Nice for five days. In Nice I will be able to take day trips to the San Tropez, Monoco and other nifty places. From there...not sure...I had thought I would spend the bulk of my time in southern Spain...but I've been reading about Portugal and am leaning to spend more time there...who freaking knew that would happen?

This is the amazing thing...my ideas for my trip keep changing...who knows where I will go or what I will do....this makes me giddy with excitement...the unknown...this will make my mother very crazy...she worries...you know how moms can be.

I will be traveling mostly by train. Eurail has great Passes...and I'm so there...one price...train to many places...what more could a girl want?

In three months I will be in France...it is unbelievable. Saying that I am blessed sounds so...predictable. This is exactly how I feel - totally and completely BLESSED! Some may think that saying "Thanks Universe" is trite...but I am thinking that this is the appropriate response - so THANKS UNIVERSE!

No Fear...Really!

Finally...over 50 degrees this weekend. When you live on the East Coast you live for these weekends. I plan on doing some research on an article I'm going to write for Tripwolf, a travel website that has shown interest in my writing.

Life seems to be moving very fast these days. I'm getting writing assignments, which is good..really good, in fact. It looks like my summer of travel will be filled with writing jobs...perfectly amazing if you ask me.

Who knew? That is what I keep asking myself. The last four years have been such a challenge...so much change...so much heartbreak...and now great things are happening...and for the first time in my life I am not afraid...I'm actually embracing all these blessings without hesitation.

No fear...how refreshing...how different for me. I've always had this facade...the brave girl who can handle almost anything. When on the inside I am a deer in headlights hoping that the floor won't fall out from under me.

Writing...I know, it is so unbelievably cool that there are publications that like what I write.

Travel...I will travel Europe again this summer...the entire eight weeks...no matter what...the discovery that will happen makes me giggle with excitement.

Love...he loves me...he gave me a ring...not THAT type of ring...but a ring...and I wear it knowing that this person is who I want in my life...That something like that would happen just blows my mind. Even more I haven't fucked it up...OK, Gracie, don't go there.

Work...work is work...I've let go. I have no control. My life away from work is more important. I'm focusing on those at school who provide me with conversations that stimulate me instructionally and intellectually. The rest of them...no relevance in the big picture.

Work...again...I'm presenting at the Virginia Council of Teachers of Mathematics (VCTM). This is a state conference where I will talk about what I do with math in my classroom...who fucking knew that would ever happen...but it is...I'm not questioning it...just enjoying the journey...

Let it all happen...no fear...I like that...

Snow Days....

Snow...it has been snowing for what seems like weeks now. I've seen more snow than I've ever seen in my life. At first it was exciting, a winter wonderland right out my front door. While cabin fever hasn't completely over-taken my mind...I sure could use some 70 degree days.

We've been out of school for a week now. Not that I mind...I'm not really one of those teachers who lives her life for her students. What I do miss is the human contact.

Look, I haven't been alone. My new friend has spent these

wintery days and nights here with me at my place. As great as that has been, sometimes a girl needs other people to talk to.

There's so much that has been racing through my brain as I watch the snow fall. Summer vacation will be here before I know it. My summer travels are coming together...well the finances I'm going to need to spend two months roaming through Europe are coming together. With that writing jobs are coming my way...so my travels will be filled with some work.

Other thoughts, like how this summer is going to change me...It is bound to happen...last summer in Spain changed me. Will my new friend like me then...more importantly will I still like him? That's the thing; I don't have any hesitation about leaving him here for two months while I go discover the world...It is like THAT life doesn't include him what so ever...and I'm ok with that.

The past has made a brief visit during this latest snow storm. It makes me curious...why now? I'm moving forward. Is this the universe's way of keeping me in the present? Keeping me focused on what is in front of me right now? The past can fuck me up...take me backwards...and there's entirely too much in front of me...so what ever you do, don't turn around, Gracie.

Yep...some warm weather would be pretty awesome right now....

Euphoria.....

Feeling strangely euphoric lately. I'm trying not to let it frighten me too much. Old baggage....you know, things are going great, but there's that little voice creeping in saying, "Don't get too used to this, Gracie..."

OK...fuck that voice! As my best friend (the wife) would say this is just the "opponent" trying to mess with my chi.

I just made my very first house payment. I must tell you it was so satisfying to send that check to my lender knowing that my money is going towards an investment in my pocket and not someone else's.

Most people don't get this, but my purchasing this home is such a big step for me...such a grown-up commitment that for so long seemed untouchable for someone like me. I've accomplished many things in my life, but being financially stable enough to buy a home as always eluded me...and to be honest, I just figured that I would just be a renter until I died. Funny how things turn out, isn't it?

I've finally been feeling at home here in Virginia...it only took four years. The house has helped. It has given me a home base. Somewhere to come back to from my travels.

My travels...the next goal to accomplish. Two months this summer...I see it...I know it is going to happen. The universe is bringing things to me that will make this trip more than just a vacation. Like Spain last summer, this summer's trip will change my life in profoundly positive ways.

Positive change...how lovely...how refreshing...how spooky...old baggage speaking to me again. I'm trusting myself and with that comes the ability to trust someone else...holy shit, how did that happen?

He says we "fit"...where have I heard that before? He says he loves me. He talks about a future that includes me....he wants me to travel, discover the world, and write...he says he wants to take care of me...part of me wants to pinch him to see if he is real or just someone I've dreamed up in my distorted imagination.

He has no idea how blissful his words are to my ears...and how scary...how I'm desperately trying to relax and enjoy each and every moment of this experience...and how thinking too much about the future could fuck everything up....

...and the last thing in the world I want is to mess this up...because he is right...we fit...interesting how significant that word has become...

Life is So Much More Than a Job....

In a teacher's life the end of the second quarter is a turning point in the school year. Half the year is over. You are preparing for those ALL IMPORTANT standardized tests. The pressure is on...I live this...yet right now I'm totally ambivalent about it.

Don't get me wrong, I want my students to be successful. But it seems the universe has place me on a 5th grade team of teachers who are some of the most immature people I've ever encountered.

I sit in meetings and these women have no ideas of their own. Yet they have the nerve to say things like, "Can you create lessons for me." Are fucking serious? Why would I create lesson plans for you? What do I get out of it? It isn't like we are actually TRADING ideas.

What does the universe want me to learn from this? It will not serve me to get angry and tell these women to, "fuck off, do your own work." So what is the deal?

There is the large part of me that has literally stepped aside. I'm focusing on my life outside of the classroom...that seems to be where the action is...yes people, there's some action.

I've written two articles in the last two weeks that have been published...and I've been paid for them. This alone is the direction I want my live to head in...a published writer...a dream I've had for a million years.

I mentioned my new friend. He has told me that he loves me. At first that was a bit unsettling. Usually I'm the one who says the "L" word. Never has a man shared such thoughts without hesitation or regret. I'm still trying to get used to that.

I'm making preparations to travel this summer. Two months away, exploring, living a live of a nomad...complete heaven!

So...focus on life outside of school. Do my job, of course, and do it well! I think the universe wants me to keep my eye on the prize...that a woman can live her dream, be loved for who she is, and the rest is just the vehicle to take her on the journey.

New Year...New Chapter...Moving On...

So here we are folks, 2010...the end of the year flew past me with such speed I've just now sat down to reflect in writing. As always millions of thoughts have been floating around my brain...

Well...I did it...I found a new home...and closed in December...yes...can you believe it I am a homeowner. It only took nine different offers...guess the ninth time is the charm. I moved in the week of Christmas, and cannot even begin to describe how it feels to open the door each day to my very OWN home...it is like bliss times 100.

The ins and outs of buying a home will come at another posting as I'm sure there are many first time buyers out there going through many of the same obstacles/opportunities that I have experienced....

As this new year...oh gosh...new decade is starting I smile to myself because last year at this time I was...well you all know...heading down a dark, heartbreaking hole. I say, smile, because I must give a bit of thanks to HIM. Had he not so thoughtfully pulled the rug out from under my world I would not be here today saying that the universe has brought me a new friend... without HIS antics I would've never been READY for this new person.

Ready...what does that mean? I do know that the universe brings us what we desire when the time is right. So is the time right for a new friend? I think it is. I must tell you though, I almost pushed my new friend away before we even got started.

You may ask why would I push someone away? Honestly, I was doing fine on my own. Getting my world together...I was content...the last thing I wanted was a relationship. Fuck, I sound like HIM don't I? Add to that, fear and lack of trust in myself and you have a woman who would push away Prince Charming riding up on a white horse.

Thankfully he's been patient with me...and I've realized that there is a reason my new friend has come to my world at this time. I haven't thought too much about what the REASONS are because I'm LIVING each moment as they come...and he too is in each moment with me...fully, completely and without hesitation...who knew that a person like that existed?

Moving on...that's the mantra for 2010. New home...new friend...new life...forward to my next adventure...summer of travel...please, you didn't think I would let that go? Not on your life...after last summer in Spain...I gotta head down that road again...

Good Stuff...Nice....