Living Life Gracefully...

Evil Stepmother?

2011-01-15T12:10:00.000-05:00

It is that time of the year when I feel overwhelmed. The cold weather seems like it will be here forever. The school year is in full swing and the pressure of student performance hangs on my shoulders like an anvil.

I've been trying to take all this in stride and not let it get to me. Keep a happy face say, "yes," a lot. Last night I said, "no," and selfishly shut the world and everyone else out.

I think there are times women need to just be with themselves. I am amazed how women with children do it. How do they find that "alone time"? Don't they crave it also? Yesterday a friend of mine said, "It's hard when you have kids."

My comment back, "That's why I don't have kids." HARSH? Maybe, but it is honest. Probably TOO honest.

The universe is constantly evolving and brings change when we least expect it. The universe brought me a wonderful man who has become my partner in life. I've never been engaged, now at age 46 I can actually say I am some one's fiancee, and that one day I will be called, "wife". There's another label that I will be tagged with...STEPMOM...re-read my comment from the last paragraph. Hey universe, I know you know best, but are you sure I can handle the STEPMOM thing?

My fiancee (I love saying that!) has a four year-old son. He has fought a long, difficult, and costly battle to be a part of his son's life; and has been rewarded with the lovely gift of court-ordered time with his boy. While I am truly happy for them both, last night I struggled with missing our weekends of "adult time". After a very long week at school, all I wanted was to go out and be with ONLY my love, then wake up on Saturday to the luxury of slow, delicious love-making. Hearing, "Daddy, it's daytime," at 6 am kind of puts the brakes on my little, yet delightful fantasy.

Yes, I know, an immature, selfish-bitch thing to write. I'm the first to admit that I am, at times, solely focused on MYSELF...ugly truth.

How do married couples with children do it? How do they keep that fiery romance, that spontaneity alive? I cannot accept that it just...ENDS.

Ladies, any advise for a future STEPMOM? Especially one who has never had children around after 3:00 pm? I can hear the answer now...it takes WORK, Gracie! Quit complaining, man-up, and just DEAL...you may actually enjoy being some one's STEPMOM!

Simple...

2011-01-15T08:17:00.002-05:00

Two weeks after Christmas and as I watch the sun come up I'm feeling grateful for all the simple things that have brought me joy in the last year.

Yes, I'm feeling reflective, so if this isn't your bag, move on to the next blog I won't take it personally.

For the first time in my life I'm discovering happiness in people, places, and things that are...simply put, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Even more interesting: for the first time I'm not endlessly searching for happiness; I've just begun to notice things that have always been there and find joy right there in the moment.

A great start to the year? Yes...I think it is that simple...

Breathe...

2010-11-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

Time has just flown by. It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving is next week. The first quarter of school is a blur, and my European trip is a distant but happy memory.

I cannot remember the last time I've been able to just breathe and enjoy the way my life is unfolding. Who am I kidding? This has never happened, and I don't take this time for granted.

The dues I've paid in teaching for the last five years have paid off and I am in a school where it is truly all about the students. Teachers and administrators actually respect each other. They speak kindly to each other. The only focus is making children successful...I love going to work each morning and thank my lucky stars that I am fortunate enough to be a part of such a community.

Of course I am working harder than I ever have before, of course like most teachers starting the second quarter I am overwhelmed by assessments, the gigantic amount of curriculum that must be taught, and creating interventions for students who are at risk. All this doesn't matter because I've finally landed at a school where I fit.

Fitting in at a school is a teacher's dream come true. Do you hear my sigh of relief? Can you feel my smile?

Five years of dues...Five years of lessons of focusing on OTHERS and not MYSELF...I'm doing it, and am happier at school...go figure.

Thanksgiving is very special time. I take the THANKS part very seriously. Contrary to what a some readers of this blog may think, I really do look beyond myself. I really do learn from mistakes and try to give a bit of ME to others.

Over the last year I've taken a personal journey in sharing myself with another. Finding comfort in this has not always been a smooth ride, but the end result of those inevitable bumps in the road is truly the most joyful thing a human can experience. I'm talking about LOVE...real LOVE that magically keeps coming when I keep my focus on the other person.

Some may think this is easy. Not for me, folks. This has been my lesson over the last year and something I keep top of mind each day. Yes, my friends, life isn't always just about ME.

Breathe, Gracie. Patience, Gracie...that life that you thought would never be a reality is right there in front of you...real LOVE...real SHARING...FAMILY...those words CAN be part of your vocabulary...just let it GROW like the African Violets blooming around the house. Ask what HE needs...and just GIVE.

Is it really that simple? Maybe it is...

First Days of School

2010-09-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

Ahhh...new school year and a new school! Cannot even begin to tell you how amazing it is. I wonder if other teachers out there feel this way?

Love that students are actually INCLUDED in the general education classroom...such a different philosophy from last year's school. Come on...kids learn better when they are with their peers.

Getting my groove on with this new group of students and I think they are going to like my unique approach to teaching.

The best part: Other teachers and administration treat each other with respect. Something I have not experienced in quite a while...and it is about freaking time!

Just getting started and am REALLY looking forward to what comes next!

Brief Encounters

2010-08-19T15:03:00.000-04:00

I was SUPPOSED to be flying home from Madrid today. Change of plans. I've been home almost two weeks.

As Eat Pray Love hits theatres I pull the plug on a trip that I've been planning for the last year.

Know what? I'm ecstatically happy waking up in my own bed. I go into MY bathroom and do the happy dance because there are no monster sized roaches or other people's toe jam and pubic hair.

I think I've outgrown the youth hostel life style. I have not gotten old, I've just evolved.

At lunch today I started thinking about all the people I met on the road. Men and women that in a moment became my best friends, then poof, are gone forever. Brief encounters, a gift from the universe.

These past five weeks have been filled with some pretty interesting people.

A 76 year-old backpacker stranded at a youth hostel in Nice because he crashed his motorcycle. I hope he's back safe in Australia.

Sally, the physical therapist from England just traveling around living a wild crazy moment before going back to her reality where she will worry if she's getting too old to have a child.

Eliseau, my tapas partner in Madrid. I think I hurt his feelings, but he should've listened when I told him I have a boyfriend.

Ryse, Sarah, Gregg, and Nate...ultimate backpackers. All four so smart and so talented. They will have great stories for their grandchildren. I admire their life, but couldn't live it. Sleeping in a tent in a road side campsite...LOL...I couldn't handle a hostel for six weeks.

Eric and Karen, married for over 30 years, telling me that it is completely normal for me to miss my guy here in the states. Teaching me that true love means sharing a life not living separately.

Enrique, Michel, Amilio, and the others coming to life as they learned English. A beautiful sight.

Wine touring in Bordeaux with Irina. She warned me about Ryan Air's baggage weight limit. I payed out the ass on my way to Majorca. I should've listened to Irina.

Just a few of many, many conversations I had on this journey. This is what I enjoyed the most; these brief encounters. Really nice people, plus a couple of ass wipes.

Oscar getting too touchy feely. Pushing him away wanting to kick his head in. Get a freakin' life, dude. Do you think for a second I would even consider you?

The multitudes of SCNF workers in France. Your helpfulness to an untraveled American marvels the mind. I hope you come to America, get lost, and try to get directions from someone YOU don't understand. Maybe you will receive the same unkind smirks you gave to me.

I was very fortunate on this journey. These were not just chance meetings. I think people come into our lives for a reason. Even if it is just a moment.

These people touched my life in those moments, and hopefully I touched theirs in some way. Now that I'm home I can reflect on the significance of those meetings. Believe me, there were times I would've lost my mind completely without the people I met.

Brief encounters in my heart forever...

A Note to Anonymous

2010-08-12T10:46:00.000-04:00

I just read a comment on one of my postings from "Anonymous". It wasn't a very flattering comment. In fact, I think he or she is pretty pissed off at what I post on MY blog.

The tone of this comment sounded vaguely familiar. Anonymous, do I know you? If I do, and you didn't leave a name, shame on you!

A bit of clarification about MY blog. This isn't a Travel Blog. I never said it was. Yes, Anonymous, I travel. Yes, I do write about it, but the purpose of MY blog isn't a travel medium.

When I started writing this blog I admitted that it was self-indulgent. Writing is self-indulgent. It is a selfish endeavor. I am the first person to say that MY blog is completely selfish, and totally ALL ABOUT ME.

Anonymous, I understand and respect that you are entitled to your opinion, However, I am ALLOWED to write as much "mellow-drama" as I want. Why does that offend you so much? Why do you even care?

Anonymous, you accused me of being egotistic...you are right. Having an ego is healthy. You also mentioned that I need to let go of someone from my past:: HIM. Where did that come from?

I haven't written about HIM in a very long time. In fact, HE hasn't entered my train of thought for months. HE is not a MAN who deserves any of my attention. Anonymous, YOU must miss HIM. Well, too bad, I'm with a REAL MAN now. Maybe YOU are the one who needs to move on.

Anonymous, you also commented that I THINK people care about my thoughts, my ramblings, my process of growing up. That makes me laugh. I KNOW people don't give a flying rat's ass about my life.

MY blog isn't for other people...let me be perfectly clear: I WRITE FOR ME! If other people find interest, can relate, or are slightly entertained, that's great. If not, and they choose NOT to read what is here, that's great too.

Self-involved? Self-indulgent? A bit egotistical? Most definitely! You know what, Anonymous? I'm totally OK with that.

Finally, Anonymous, I would like to THANK YOU for your comment. I made you react to the point that you wrote something. Writers want to get an emotional reaction from a reader. I've done my job!

Clarity

2010-08-10T12:56:00.000-04:00

Playa de San Juan just outside of Alicante, Spain has to be one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen. I've rented both an umbrella and a lounge chair, a bit of a splurge for my budget, but I don't care. I need this little indulgence.

I see parents playing with their children in the white sand. Families enjoying each other's company brings smiles to my heart. Isn't this what summer is about?

An elderly couple gets my attention. He is walking with a cane through the sand. Keeping his balance is difficult so he leans on his wife's shoulder for support. She slows her pace so he can navigate the bumpy terrain without falling. This simple act, a couple working to help each other, brings clarity. This is what I want.

I come to this beach for three days in a row. I watch the families, the elderly, the lovers and I see myself in all of them. Or more specifically I see my present and my future.

Each night in Alicante I visit two places. The first cafe I go to is Casa de Jamon. I sit outside and watch the sun go down over the Castille Santa Barbara. I love watching how the sun shades the side of the mountain. Mixed with the car lights just coming on are like twinkling little stars.

Around 9:00 I visit Taberna Segura. I found this place my first night in Alicante. This small little restaurant just opened and the owner/chef has treated me like family. I chat with Lola a regular who comes in for a coffee before she goes to work at a private club. I want to ask her if she is a madame, but think that would be impolite so I don't.

This is the first place during this journey where I can see myself living here. Small city, near the sea, calm and peaceful.

It is also the place where I've decided that I will go home after Majorca next week. It is time. That is where I want to be. Home is where I belong.

That is what this journey is about...finding where I belong.

Holding On to My Life...

2010-07-25T07:29:00.000-04:00

I walked around Seville, Spain yesterday. The history of this place is amazing. The beauty of the city is breathtaking. Of all the places I've been to in Spain, Seville has the deepest diversity.

It is incredibly hot here. After a week in the mountains my body wasn't ready for the intensity of the sun. By 3:00 I was feeling a bit dizzy...and really emotional.

Last week I taught English. I was surrounded by Spanish adults in a remote mountain village. In that isolation we bonded. A quick family that said good-bye on Friday. It is one of those times when you say, "We'll keep in touch." It never happens. That's ok, the memories will stay in heart and mind.

Here in Seville, my emotions came to the surface. Last night I couldn't keep them inside. It is frustrating because staying in a hostel there is no privacy. People are everywhere. In the room, in the garden, even in the bathroom.

I finally escaped to the roof. No one around I let the tears come. I've been so lost out here. Everyday I wake up and I wonder what is wrong with me. This trip is a chance of a life time.

Last summer was so different. Things clicked out here. I found my way. I didn't want to go home. Now I count the days until I go home.

My first summer that I'm with someone that I truly love, that I want to be my future, and I made the choice to leave and come here. The mix of emotions that come with that are hard to explain. There's a great sadness that I cannot seem to shake. I carry it with me each day like a backpack. Each city I go to I hope this sadness goes away and it never does. It lingers like an unwelcome traveling campanion.

This summer I have realized that my life at home is much better than being out here. At home I have someone to share with. This realization has come with conflict because I've never been in a position where I even wanted to share. I've been alone. At home I am not alone, and I am a better person.

Out here I am alone again and it is almost unbearable. I don't want to be out here alone anymore. I want to be home where someone knows me and loves me.

I am not sure how this journey will play out. Right now I take it day by day. I do know that I am leaving Seville and the intense heat. I am heading for the beach tomorrow. Being near the water always gives me some clarity.

I see my love on Friday. He says we will be getting to know each other again. The anticipation is a bit overwhelming. I am so happy that we will be together, yet I'm nervous. Like a teenager waiting for her first date to arrive at the door.

Funny, last summer I spent a month in Spain letting go of all the pain I was carrying around. It happened. I came back home ready to move forward. This past moth I've spent each day holding on to what I have at home.

Funny how a year can change everything. Isn't it?

Trust A World Away

2010-07-17T04:12:00.000-04:00

It is an interesting thing being in a relationship and taking a two month trip a world away. To say you miss the other seems terribly trite…I mean I would be worried if I didn’t miss him.

Over the last eight months I’ve been building a life with this other person. Not just a life, a future…someone to hold hands with me when I’m 90, you know?

Now, here we are living these separate lives yet trying to stay as connected as possible.

Before I left we talked about being afraid of what might happen while I was away on my trip. The unknown…you know…

Abandonment issues linger and creep their way into my thoughts randomly as I’ve been out here. Look at my history, my own father couldn’t even stand to hang around.

I know I shouldn’t go there…that’s the opponent talking…the thing that likes to fuck with a person’s happiness…OK, opponent: leave me the fuck alone already.

Conflict enters the picture when I’m having a good time. I’m bonding with others at the hostel, or just out having fun at a bar. I’m laughing, I’m living…that’s what is supposed to happen, isn’t it?

I tell him about these good times, and there’s times his body language or tone of voice changes. I suddenly feel like I’ve done something wrong…I feel very defensive.

I want him to know everything I’m experiencing out here, but is that outside of his comfort zone?

Trust needs to be handled delicately. Both he and I have past baggage where our trust in others has been obliterated and scattered with the wind.

We need to trust each other more than ever right now.

Trust that we can live these separate lives for a minute but still stay connected. Trust that we are each other’s future, that an ocean cannot possibly kill this love we feel; and if it does, then trust that the universe has other plans.

Trust can be a true friend. Trust can lead us to great discoveries about ourselves and each other. These discoveries are then shared and we grow stronger.

Ah! In Spain...Finally...

2010-07-14T13:50:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how just crossing the boarder into Spain relaxed me. The vibe here is so different than France. So MELLOW. I don't know if it is because the start of my journey was in France, or the people, or the language barrier...I don't know, but I didn't like it.

I cannot believe the hostel I'm staying at. Total freaking surfer hang out. Right on the beach...no shoes...people coming and going...again..they could be my children. They have finally left for the evening so I am able to sit here quietly watch the ocean and write. This is the life I want...Can you hear me universe? A place near the ocean where I can make a home, have a garden, cook, write, and love my guy forever.

I'm listening to the guys here in the common room. The discussions on how drunk they got last night are sort of amusing. I'm so glad that I'm no longer in that space. Enjoying life...YES! Eating tapas last night was almost a sexual experience. Getting so wasted that I cannot remember my name? I don't think so.

I did enjoy some wine and other party favors with a couple of the surfers that were hanging out in the hostel. Kyle is from the USA, and is trying to break a record on how many bottles of cheap wine he can drink in a day...don't people do that in high school? Diego, on the other hand, travels the world looking for the perfect wave. He's great to look at, but who knows if the things he says are true?

The conversation was all about drinks, surf, and Diego's quest to have sex with a girl from every world culture...I think he's making a study of it all...I just listen and think...these boys have no idea...but they sure are providing me with some amusement.

Exactly what I need....

Still Standing For The Moment...

2010-07-13T03:01:00.000-04:00

So it is my last night in Bordeaux. This has to my favorite city I visited in France. Very old, very quaint. Still haven't gotten my travel legs but I think I am getting there...well...maybe not.

I do know that Bordeaux is small enough for me. My first night I met a man who bought me a beer and let me use his phone to call the USA and check in with my guy...very nice. He later wanted me to go back to his flat...so much for just being neighborly...guys are guys I guess, even in France.

This is the thing...I'm just not really fitting in anywhere. I'm just not feeling comfortable. I am hating this...you have no idea. What the fuck is wrong with me? In Spain last summer it didn't take this long to get it together.

I'm sitting here right now in the stairwell of my hotel because the reception is closed at this hour and it is the only way I can get online. I have tears running down my face because really the.only thing I want to do is go home...but I can't...No matter what I cannot let this beat me...but right now it is completely and toally kicking my ass...and I don't know how to make it stop.

My gay husband says that I am living the dream...I know he is right. I am so thankful that I am able to travel like this...it is a dream come true. What he doesn't know is that there's another dream I'm living a million miles away...a dream I've waited my whole life for...someone to share my life with.

The thing is I know that I need to accomplish something out here...what exactly is yet to be determined...right now I feel like I am fluttering into failure and I'm scared.

My gay husband, who has been my dearest friend for 20 years, completely "gets" this type of journey. He has mentored me both in travel and in my writing. Now he has other things he has to do...his own path...he doesn't have time or space for my insecurity.

Even though I understand this intellectually, my heart is hurting. The abruptness of it all feels like a black hole. I am not sure how to wrap my head around the fact that I am going to take the rest of this journey without him...I'm not sure this will happen, but my gut is telling me that we will be on the outskirts of each others lives for a bit. That happens in friendships...

For now I go to Spain...my love...my place....

Hostel Blues

2010-07-08T03:19:00.000-04:00

I am having hostel frustration. The place I am staying at in Nice, Villa Saint Exupery, is one of the top rated hostels in the world. I can see why, the grounds are lovely, a great bar, and delighful meals for very cheap prices. I feel very lucky that I have one of the air conditioned rooms because many are not and the heat here is almost unbearable.

I've met some really wonderful people: Nick my beach partner from Toronto, Andes and his family from Sydney, and Thormud a 76 year-old backpacker from Melborne.

Since I am here for six days I am trying to make a socialogical study of the comings and goings of the backpackers in my nine bed dorm room. Some have snuck in in the middle of the night only to be gone before daylight. It is like they are on a secret mission.

Then there's Pierre from Quebec City...I cannot remember his real name, but he speaks with a slight French accent. His bunk is above mine. He has bags of food all over and has decided that our two beds are his personal clothes line for drying his laundry. I woke up to a curtain of laundry blocking my view. Glad I am not claustrophobic.

Others, like Chris, from NYC, sleeps all day and rises around happy hour time. He then proceeds to drink himself into oblivion and pick up whatever unsuspecting 21 year-old he can find. I'm wondering if this is working for him?

I really don't want to sound like this old lady complaining about, "those damn kids," because they all have a story and I find them all facinating. I just don't think getting as drunk as humanly possible each night is how I want to spend my trip. I'm not judging, it is just not my bag.

The door doesn't really lock in my room, and even if it did none of my roommates seem to care about locking things up. I'm sure they think I am ultra paranoid because I lock up both backpack and suitcase, and lock the suitcase to the bedpost.

Today I came back from visiting Aux en Provence and I look down and I see a few pairs of men's underwear. One of my roommate's I presume. I must admit I did try and look to see if they were dirty or clean...gross I know...they were dirty. I wanted to take a picture, but people started coming home...I'm sure they would've thought it odd. I think it is odd that someone leaves their dirty underwear lying around a hostel floor.

I've developed this awful cough over the last couple days. I'm thinking I am allergic to something in the air or in the room, and it is quite annoying...for both me and my roommates. It sucks because I wake up in the middle of the night coughing like crazy and cannot seem to stop. Matthew from Toronto gave me some cough drops which help somewhat. I'm sure my roommates are sharing my lack of sleep because of this...sorry guys, the last thing I want to do is contribute to your sleep depervation.

Last night on the phone with my guy back home I tried to explain my frustation. I was weepy from lack of sleep and the relentless cough. I know he cares and wants to help, but this is something I have to figure out on my own. Part of me having a life out here that is only mine.

Having an assortment of roommates will be part of this trip there are no two ways about it. It just is, and like everything else when I come to peace with it things will be easier. Running away and laying down my credit card for a hotel room is, in my opinion, a puss way out, and not part of the life I want to experience out here. Days are coming where I will have my own room and they will be doubly sweet....

So suck it up, Gracie, and deal with it.

Ok...I'm Here...In France...Sheesh...

2010-07-05T18:01:00.000-04:00

I've been gone from home for almost a week now. My gay husband told me that it would take me a few days to get used to being so far away. He was right.

I think I am in the loneliness stage. You know that point where I am wondering if this trip was the best idea.

My three days in Paris were filled with walking among millions of people, but the sudden feeling of being all alone in the world surged in me in such an unexpected way. It was as if I was standing on the outside of this huge club house and I could see into the window but I couldn't find the door that would allow me inside.

I am smart enough to realize that the unbearable heat of Paris, along with the process of getting my travel legs under me didn't help. Finally, on my last day in Paris I found this lovely place, Jardin du Luxenburg. A quiet park where I just sat and gathered myself, and came to peace that I will be away for the next two months.

Last summer when I went to Spain. I left Virginia without a thought. No ties. Just a couple good friends that will always be my good friends. This trip is different...there's someone at home...waiting. In my wildest dreams I never thought something like that would happen.

As much as I want to see him, to touch him, just be with him, I must wrap my head around the fact that we are going to be apart for the next few weeks. I have to make a little life for myself where he's in my heart, but not in my day to day life.

A life out here that is mine, this is what I need to do. Sitting here in this hostel in Nice, France I am surrounded by a ton of people. Many of them are young enough to be my children, yet I think I've fit in. Well, I've found a few who seem to accept me as who I am. I think that was what I've been waiting for. To be sitting here in the middle of this frat party hostel writing this post and thinking, "Well...here I am and I'm OK."

I ventured out to the beach today. Villefranche was the village/beach I went to. I met Nick, from my hostal on the tram to the bus station. We ended up hanging at the beach all day. Was loads of fun...was some actual intelligent conversation. Was the first time on this trip that I actually felt my normal self. I just sat and talked with another person about life...how lovely.

People who don't travel on their own don't realize how nice it is to find someone to truly bond with.

Tonight in the bar I chatted up people that I've met in the last couple days, plus a couple new people. This one Swedish gentleman, who I met my first night here, asked me why I haven't started writing my novel yet. Good question. I don't know why...where is that fear coming from?

Maybe I'll figure that out here....

The Future...Here I Come!

2010-06-01T17:47:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life changes so fast it is hard to keep up. The school year is almost over and I am looking back wondering where it all went. Did I accomplish anything in my classroom?

I came to this school with such hopes and one by one those hopes were either pushed aside or squashed with such force that my first reaction was to retreat into my shell like a turtle in fear of being run over by a car.

Over time I came out of my shell and found bits and pieces of time where I could take my students to new heights. Deep down, I know it is not enough. Yet I've agreed to stay - for the time being. Another opportunity came my way last week, a new school that fits exactly with my philosophy. The principal likes me but currently there's no position for me. So I wait...not exactly something I am good at.

I know that what is supposed to happen will happen. New school or in the same place. I'll make it work - that much I've learned this year...OK I hope and pray I make it all work. I do know that keeping my mouth shut and just "do" what I do works best for me. A bit of growth I think.

The thing is that there's so much more to my life now than school. This is taking more of my attention each day. My real life. My future. I've always tentatively shied away from the word, "future". Now I think it is time to looked "future" in they eye and walk through without hesitation.

I'm going to be a writer...that I know. Will there be obstacles to climb, of course. My life has always been filled with obstacles...fine...I turn them into opportunity, but I will be a writer. Not just a blogger. A writer who has books in bookstore with people who buy them and everything. That has been the dream forever and the time has come.

Leave on my trip in less than a month. Finding it hard to believe that I made this happen. This trip is so important and so necessary to my future. I must admit I'm having pre-trip jitters. Three countries, six weeks, and me on my own. New people, places, and so much to explore...sheesh...who knew?

This summer I am leaving someone behind. I know that I will miss him dearly. He, too, is my future. This has been the toughest part to wrap my head around. He's asked me to marry him and I've said, "yes." People who know me know this is huge. I'm so sure though...he's the one I've been waiting for...can you hear me exhale?

There is this nagging little voice that I'm trying to ignore that tells me I will change after my trip. Annoying as it is the voice is asking if he will still want to marry me when I return? I wish the voice would shut up.

The future...just walk through, Gracie. Fuck the fear...you of all people know fear only stops progress.

Travel With A New Purpose...

2010-04-24T17:57:00.000-04:00

Feeling a bit nostalgic I just read some of my posts from last summer's trip to Spain. As I'm reading I'm thinking to myself how different my life is now. I was asked last summer if my trip to Spain was my way of running away. At that time I WAS running, but at the same time I was healing and most significantly I was growing....I wonder if the person who asked me about running away has grown?

I've been planning my next adventure which begins in two months. My journey will take me to France, back to Spain, and to Portugal. Am I running again? Of course, but this time I'm running TO something...discovery, exploration, opportunity, and life.

One of my best friends, and gay husband, sent me a box of business cards this week. Under my name it says, "Teacher/Writer/Explorer," and the quote at the top appropriately states, "Not all those who wander are lost." Amazing what happens in a year's time, isn't it?

Last summer I left Virgina feeling lost and a bit broken. This summer I will leave knowing that this is the way my life SHOULD be. I'm supposed to explore and I'm supposed to write. As far as being broken...well, all is put back together and stronger than ever.

I wrote last summer that I am a survivor...that I've always achieved the goals I set. This is true...this last year I've made tremendous strides not only as a teacher, but as a writer, and as a woman. What is truly amazing is that the reality is so much sweeter than I originally visualized.

Sometimes I have to stop and wonder if all this is really happening. Am I about to travel Europe for six weeks on my own? Am I a homeowner? Am I really a paid writer? Am I at peace at my school? Am I in love for real this time?

Yep...it is REALLY happening...thanks...I'm enjoying each and every delicious moment...

Discovering Love Over Forty...

2010-04-04T15:31:00.000-04:00

Easter Sunday...millions of people taking the once a year pilgrimage to their local church. My mother will hate this, but I don't really need a large building to give thanks to my higher power. However, like those millions I'm sitting here thanking God, Jesus, Allah, Mother Earth, and the Buddha for how my life has evolved in the last year.

Now I don't want this post to be some sick, love-struck rambling of a 45 year-old woman just discovering who she is...but I must say this is exactly how I feel now; right down to that effervescent glow one gets after having days of eye-popping, toe-curling sex.

Too much information? Know what? I really don't care. This feeling is just too SPECTACULAR and for you ladies who are in your 40's and going through those lovely pre-menopause changes, this is the time to truly discover who you are as a woman.

I don't mean just the sex thing. Sex is wonderfully intoxicating in your 40's, but self-discovery takes a soul to an whole other level.

I mean discovering who you are in all aspects of life. Do you ever ask yourself where your place is in this world? Or that fear evoking question, what exactly have I done in life that means something? Come on, you know exactly what I am talking about.

In the last year I've asked myself those same questions...and I am still striving to answer them. What has changed is that the journey to find the answers has become so delicious, so entertaining, so fearless...I'm just giddy with excitement.

I have learned one thing: I am not just one woman. I am many women all wrapped up into this 45 year-old body. I'm a teacher, I'm a friend, I'm a paid writer, I'm a traveler, I'm a lover. Oh God, I'm hearing Helen Reddy's song, "I am Woman Hear Me Roar" in my head...Not exactly where I wanted my brain to go, but do you get the picture I'm trying to paint here?

I wonder if the majority of women are this lucky - that they can truly find themselves as they journey through their 40's? I really hope so. Unfortunately, I think there are too many women who are just too scared to step outside of their safe little two car garage box...sadly, I think I am in the minority. Will the others learn before it is too late?

The thing is, I haven't done anything special. My life isn't something that Oprah would televise or anything like that...too boring for her. What I have done is to step outside of myself, to risk, and to have an unbelievable amount of faith that the universe would bring me exactly what I want.

What I want - and that is? You may or may not be thinking. Well, for one I want to be more than just a school teacher. I find nothing more pathetic that a middle aged, single school teacher who lives for her students. I want to write and actually be published and paid. I want to travel the world. Finally, I want what so many people crave...unconditional love from someone.

Today, as I said before, I'm feeling like a love-struck school girl. This so hard for me to grasp, but the universe has seen fit to send me this person who is on so many levels what I've been looking for my entire life.

I'm desperately to keep myself in the moment. For one, I know if I get too far ahead of myself, I'll fuck this up, but the MOMENT is so spine tingling that I feel the need to soak every last drop of love that is coming from this man. And believe me, in this case, "MAN" is exactly what this person is...more MAN than anyone I've ever met.

It is not just what he gives or what he does, it is WHO he is. How he LOOKS at me. How he TOUCHES me. Just the look he gives, or the brush of his hand on mine says so much...that I'm the ONE he wants to be with mind, body, and soul...EEK!

That's the thing, the part that I admit I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around; I'm the one he WANTS to be WITH...never in my wildest dreams...Not that I don't deserve it, but really, look at my track record.

I guess one could say...it is about freakin' time...and ladies, hear me now, find this for yourself...somewhere...it is TOO GOOD to let time pass and not experience something like this. Believe me, it will be a sad day if you let time pass and don't ever experience this kind of love.

I'm discovering that women really become WHO they are in their 40's. Some may say that I've missed out because I've remained single and childless. Whatever...I've missed nothing. For those of you who have gone the married/children route and are thinking to yourself, "What about ME?" It is time...take what you need, live, discover...you deserve it...we all deserve it...

Damn, Helen Reddy is singing in my head again...maybe I should sing along...

Summer Travel Plans...EEK!

2010-03-27T18:11:00.000-04:00

Spring means three things to me...the daffodils and cherry blossoms begin to bloom, school will be out in less than three months, and I must plan for my summer travels.

With flowers blooming comes warm weather...such a relief especially after this winter of 55 inches of snow. The school year coming to an end - bitter because I've gotten attached to my students - sweet because I am so ready to send them on their way. Planning for my summer trip...well...exciting and a bit nerve wrecking.

This weekend is the start of spring break and today I've had quite a lot of quiet time to read and plan my trip. My plane ticket is bought. I arrive in Paris on June 29 and I leave Madrid August 19. There are 50 days in the middle for me to explore and discover yet another part of myself.

As I've researched today I've realized one thing: I cannot wait to GO!

This trip is so different from last summer's trip to Spain. Last summer the overwhelming need to be away from here - away from HIM was the main objective. This year it is about discovering ME, living in a way I've never lived...and WRITING like I've never written before.

So far I will be in Paris for three days and Nice for five days. In Nice I will be able to take day trips to the San Tropez, Monoco and other nifty places. From there...not sure...I had thought I would spend the bulk of my time in southern Spain...but I've been reading about Portugal and am leaning to spend more time there...who freaking knew that would happen?

This is the amazing thing...my ideas for my trip keep changing...who knows where I will go or what I will do....this makes me giddy with excitement...the unknown...this will make my mother very crazy...she worries...you know how moms can be.

I will be traveling mostly by train. Eurail has great Passes...and I'm so there...one price...train to many places...what more could a girl want?

In three months I will be in France...it is unbelievable. Saying that I am blessed sounds so...predictable. This is exactly how I feel - totally and completely BLESSED! Some may think that saying "Thanks Universe" is trite...but I am thinking that this is the appropriate response - so THANKS UNIVERSE!

No Fear...Really!

2010-03-05T18:15:00.000-05:00

Finally...over 50 degrees this weekend. When you live on the East Coast you live for these weekends. I plan on doing some research on an article I'm going to write for Tripwolf, a travel website that has shown interest in my writing.

Life seems to be moving very fast these days. I'm getting writing assignments, which is good..really good, in fact. It looks like my summer of travel will be filled with writing jobs...perfectly amazing if you ask me.

Who knew? That is what I keep asking myself. The last four years have been such a challenge...so much change...so much heartbreak...and now great things are happening...and for the first time in my life I am not afraid...I'm actually embracing all these blessings without hesitation.

No fear...how refreshing...how different for me. I've always had this facade...the brave girl who can handle almost anything. When on the inside I am a deer in headlights hoping that the floor won't fall out from under me.

Writing...I know, it is so unbelievably cool that there are publications that like what I write.

Travel...I will travel Europe again this summer...the entire eight weeks...no matter what...the discovery that will happen makes me giggle with excitement.

Love...he loves me...he gave me a ring...not THAT type of ring...but a ring...and I wear it knowing that this person is who I want in my life...That something like that would happen just blows my mind. Even more I haven't fucked it up...OK, Gracie, don't go there.

Work...work is work...I've let go. I have no control. My life away from work is more important. I'm focusing on those at school who provide me with conversations that stimulate me instructionally and intellectually. The rest of them...no relevance in the big picture.

Work...again...I'm presenting at the Virginia Council of Teachers of Mathematics (VCTM). This is a state conference where I will talk about what I do with math in my classroom...who fucking knew that would ever happen...but it is...I'm not questioning it...just enjoying the journey...

Let it all happen...no fear...I like that...

Snow Days....

2010-02-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

Snow...it has been snowing for what seems like weeks now. I've seen more snow than I've ever seen in my life. At first it was exciting, a winter wonderland right out my front door. While cabin fever hasn't completely over-taken my mind...I sure could use some 70 degree days.

We've been out of school for a week now. Not that I mind...I'm not really one of those teachers who lives her life for her students. What I do miss is the human contact.

Look, I haven't been alone. My new friend has spent these

wintery days and nights here with me at my place. As great as that has been, sometimes a girl needs other people to talk to.

There's so much that has been racing through my brain as I watch the snow fall. Summer vacation will be here before I know it. My summer travels are coming together...well the finances I'm going to need to spend two months roaming through Europe are coming together. With that writing jobs are coming my way...so my travels will be filled with some work.

Other thoughts, like how this summer is going to change me...It is bound to happen...last summer in Spain changed me. Will my new friend like me then...more importantly will I still like him? That's the thing; I don't have any hesitation about leaving him here for two months while I go discover the world...It is like THAT life doesn't include him what so ever...and I'm ok with that.

The past has made a brief visit during this latest snow storm. It makes me curious...why now? I'm moving forward. Is this the universe's way of keeping me in the present? Keeping me focused on what is in front of me right now? The past can fuck me up...take me backwards...and there's entirely too much in front of me...so what ever you do, don't turn around, Gracie.

Yep...some warm weather would be pretty awesome right now....

Euphoria.....

2010-01-31T11:45:00.000-05:00

Feeling strangely euphoric lately. I'm trying not to let it frighten me too much. Old baggage....you know, things are going great, but there's that little voice creeping in saying, "Don't get too used to this, Gracie..."

OK...fuck that voice! As my best friend (the wife) would say this is just the "opponent" trying to mess with my chi.

I just made my very first house payment. I must tell you it was so satisfying to send that check to my lender knowing that my money is going towards an investment in my pocket and not someone else's.

Most people don't get this, but my purchasing this home is such a big step for me...such a grown-up commitment that for so long seemed untouchable for someone like me. I've accomplished many things in my life, but being financially stable enough to buy a home as always eluded me...and to be honest, I just figured that I would just be a renter until I died. Funny how things turn out, isn't it?

I've finally been feeling at home here in Virginia...it only took four years. The house has helped. It has given me a home base. Somewhere to come back to from my travels.

My travels...the next goal to accomplish. Two months this summer...I see it...I know it is going to happen. The universe is bringing things to me that will make this trip more than just a vacation. Like Spain last summer, this summer's trip will change my life in profoundly positive ways.

Positive change...how lovely...how refreshing...how spooky...old baggage speaking to me again. I'm trusting myself and with that comes the ability to trust someone else...holy shit, how did that happen?

He says we "fit"...where have I heard that before? He says he loves me. He talks about a future that includes me....he wants me to travel, discover the world, and write...he says he wants to take care of me...part of me wants to pinch him to see if he is real or just someone I've dreamed up in my distorted imagination.

He has no idea how blissful his words are to my ears...and how scary...how I'm desperately trying to relax and enjoy each and every moment of this experience...and how thinking too much about the future could fuck everything up....

...and the last thing in the world I want is to mess this up...because he is right...we fit...interesting how significant that word has become...

Life is So Much More Than a Job....

2010-01-25T18:56:00.000-05:00

In a teacher's life the end of the second quarter is a turning point in the school year. Half the year is over. You are preparing for those ALL IMPORTANT standardized tests. The pressure is on...I live this...yet right now I'm totally ambivalent about it.

Don't get me wrong, I want my students to be successful. But it seems the universe has place me on a 5th grade team of teachers who are some of the most immature people I've ever encountered.

I sit in meetings and these women have no ideas of their own. Yet they have the nerve to say things like, "Can you create lessons for me." Are fucking serious? Why would I create lesson plans for you? What do I get out of it? It isn't like we are actually TRADING ideas.

What does the universe want me to learn from this? It will not serve me to get angry and tell these women to, "fuck off, do your own work." So what is the deal?

There is the large part of me that has literally stepped aside. I'm focusing on my life outside of the classroom...that seems to be where the action is...yes people, there's some action.

I've written two articles in the last two weeks that have been published...and I've been paid for them. This alone is the direction I want my live to head in...a published writer...a dream I've had for a million years.

I mentioned my new friend. He has told me that he loves me. At first that was a bit unsettling. Usually I'm the one who says the "L" word. Never has a man shared such thoughts without hesitation or regret. I'm still trying to get used to that.

I'm making preparations to travel this summer. Two months away, exploring, living a live of a nomad...complete heaven!

So...focus on life outside of school. Do my job, of course, and do it well! I think the universe wants me to keep my eye on the prize...that a woman can live her dream, be loved for who she is, and the rest is just the vehicle to take her on the journey.

New Year...New Chapter...Moving On...

2010-01-10T15:03:00.000-05:00

So here we are folks, 2010...the end of the year flew past me with such speed I've just now sat down to reflect in writing. As always millions of thoughts have been floating around my brain...

Well...I did it...I found a new home...and closed in December...yes...can you believe it I am a homeowner. It only took nine different offers...guess the ninth time is the charm. I moved in the week of Christmas, and cannot even begin to describe how it feels to open the door each day to my very OWN home...it is like bliss times 100.

The ins and outs of buying a home will come at another posting as I'm sure there are many first time buyers out there going through many of the same obstacles/opportunities that I have experienced....

As this new year...oh gosh...new decade is starting I smile to myself because last year at this time I was...well you all know...heading down a dark, heartbreaking hole. I say, smile, because I must give a bit of thanks to HIM. Had he not so thoughtfully pulled the rug out from under my world I would not be here today saying that the universe has brought me a new friend... without HIS antics I would've never been READY for this new person.

Ready...what does that mean? I do know that the universe brings us what we desire when the time is right. So is the time right for a new friend? I think it is. I must tell you though, I almost pushed my new friend away before we even got started.

You may ask why would I push someone away? Honestly, I was doing fine on my own. Getting my world together...I was content...the last thing I wanted was a relationship. Fuck, I sound like HIM don't I? Add to that, fear and lack of trust in myself and you have a woman who would push away Prince Charming riding up on a white horse.

Thankfully he's been patient with me...and I've realized that there is a reason my new friend has come to my world at this time. I haven't thought too much about what the REASONS are because I'm LIVING each moment as they come...and he too is in each moment with me...fully, completely and without hesitation...who knew that a person like that existed?

Moving on...that's the mantra for 2010. New home...new friend...new life...forward to my next adventure...summer of travel...please, you didn't think I would let that go? Not on your life...after last summer in Spain...I gotta head down that road again...

Good Stuff...Nice....

Seriously....An Afterschool Special??

2009-11-20T17:55:00.000-05:00

What brings different people together? This question has been swirling around my brains for the last few days.

I don't just mean why men and women feel a mutual attraction or why we choose the friends we have - it isn't that simple for me.

I know that many highly educated people have written about chemical reactions and hormones that wildly mix together to create attraction, but those reasons seem so clinical. My thoughts are much more personal - why do certain people come into my life? Why do my feelings for those in my life change?

When I think of all the people who have weaved their way into and out of my life I do realize that fate does play a certain role. I do believe that I have personally grown because of people who have come into my life - I take that as an unconditional gift from the universe.

What about those feelings that happen as a new relationship is starting? Is it just chemicals that make a person's heart race or stomach flutter at the sound of that new voice on the phone? That just seems so....sterile...

Or what about the new relationship that seems pleasantly easy, but those butterflies or only a flicker...does that mean it isn't supposed to happen? Or is it the universe's way of telling me to be patient -that life isn't always about instant gratification?

I understand that people grow and change over time - that's what makes us human. People connect in love or friendship for many reasons - same interests, attraction, fundemental beliefs and values. But what happens to long standing relationships when one person's belief system changes? Can the relationship survive?

I know these questions could be the premise of a cheesy afterschool special. Be that as it may, they are presently very real for me and I see a very significant "fork in the road". Each day I make choice that can potentially change the course of my future...a bit dramatic...but isn't life boring with out some drama?

I made a choice recently - a decision that I didn't think twice about - I mean I didn't decide to rob a bank, shoot herion, or hurt someone. We make choices about a million times a day, don't we? How quickly the tide can turn; and a simple choice changes the course of everything you've worked toward. Your life suddenly dissolves right in front of your eyes.

I have amazing angels in my corner - because the tide turned back - and my future and I are still standing...However the universe did kick my ass; and in one moment core beliefs changed and what was once right became very wrong.

Wrong in that as an adult, I know there is a time and place for everything. More significant is that my belief of what is the right time and place changed so completely.

The shock, excitement, fear, happiness, or anger at oneself that come with this realization can change relationships...especially for those who share in making such simple choices. We've all experienced those moments with people - when regardless of the type of relationship - things happen and the relationship changes...Or maybe is it just me who changes.

Change is good for the soul...that's what they say...right? I think the scary part is wondering if the other person will want to continue the relationship as my thoughts and beliefs change.

That moment...that second when the change happens can be so forceful that the ground shakes. Think about it, the moment you look at him and just know this is the person for you. Or the realization that the person standing in front of you will not be a part of your future. The dark reality of shared demons. How about the crushing understanding that a supposedly innocent choice can completely turn your life upside down?

It is when those moments happen without warning that profound change is on the way...ready or not here it comes...

All the change in my life the last year...the relationships...some have grown...others have just withered and died...Is it all fate...or does fate combine with our choices to direct the next part of the journey?

Ready or not....sheesh....

Math, Math, and Math...

2009-10-24T06:09:00.001-04:00

Sometimes teachers do things that change the way they approach teaching. I've posted before how I am struggling with teaching math this year - that I've been blessed with a group that is weak in the very foundation of mathematics: number sense. Without number sense - math just doesn't make SENSE.

I've been involved in a math lesson study project since August. This week my group did the actual lesson at the host school. After observing the students and talking with my group, I walked away thinking to myself that I need to rethink how I approach teaching math to this special little group of children.

One of my instructors said these all important words to me, "Gracie, focus on what they are good at and go from there. Then, decide each day what exactly you want the students to walk away with." This may sound like first year teacher stuff...I should totally know this, right? Well...this little reminder was what I needed.

After a few years in the classroom, teachers often forget that they too have to learn, grow, and yes, change their teaching in order to become better educators. For me, this means I have to put all my past preconceptions of what a "math class" should be on the back burner and move in a different direction....this reinventing the mathematics wheel definitely wasn't in my plan for the school year - I love the irony, don't you?

The challenge for me is how to make sure my students master basic number sense, at the same time keep up with the curriculum that has been mapped out by my school district. This is my mission for this school year...and if it kills both the students and me, we will find a way to be successful. Success...something this group has been be told since first grade they will not achieve...well, I'm here to change that.

My administration has given me a Calendar Math kit. I incorporated this program into my classes at my old school. It can be a cumbersome endeavor and can completely take over the class, however, done right it can help students gain a sense about numbers they never thought possible...and number sense is where I have to start with this group.

Something else I've started in my class is constant practice with both mental math and multiplication facts. In the past I haven't worried too much about students memorizing multiplication facts - I mean isn't that what a multiplication chart is for? Let's be honest, knowing multiplication facts quickly makes math so much easier.

This group of students are getting good at mental math. Using a bribe - I mean incentive of homework passes I am hoping they will know their multiplication facts most of the time. . Focus on what they are good at, Gracie, and go from there....

OK...this is a start. My gut tells me this is the way to proceed, that this can work - cool...that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

So, being a team player, I share my number sense thoughts with my co-teacher from special ed. Out of nowhere our little planning meeting turns...my co-teacher responds with a constructive critque of my teaching ideas. As we talk I'm having this other conversation in my head...saying things that would be completely inappropriate in this professional setting.

This educator says she thinks it is best if she takes her special education students out of my general education classroom. That she can't teach them because she has to pay attention to the general education students, and it's too many students for her. Seriously? You're a teacher who can't teach more than 8 students at a time?

I smile and tell her I respect her decision, and ask about the VGLA portfolios (what LD students do instead of standardized testing). You will love this: she says we can still plan together and she will use all the lessons and VGLA assessments I create....but the LD students cannot be taught in my classroom. Will I agree and support this decision? Are you kidding me? She's either stupid or has balls the size of Bolivia for asking me to do her work for her.

I smile again...tell her I respect her decision and she can do what she wants, but I don't agree it is good for kids to be pulled out of a general ed classroom. Not smiling, I said she will have to plan her own lessons. Good luck on putting those VGLA binders together.

Here's the bottom line: this teacher doesn't like my teaching style. She doesn't like that I teach LD students the same way I teach all students - as individuals. She doesn't like that I have the same high expectations for ALL students - I don't care about labels. She doesn't like that I put student learning first, and changeable words from an IEP second. She doesn't like that I don't want to give 5th grade students 2nd grade worksheets. She completly hates that I base accommodation on student need and not a text book. Know what? I don't dig your teaching style either. Your low expectations and constant hand holding will cripple these students.

I spoke with my assistant principal. She's not sure it is best to pull out the special education students. Her main concern: passing the VGLA...she knows I can get students to do binders that will pass advance...very good for the school's AYP score. Everyone has a fucking agenda...

My agenda? I just want the kids to learn...and the conflict with this woman will end one way or the other...It is killing my teaching...students aren't getting my best...unacceptable.

I don't know how this will pan out...the only thing I do know is that I just have to, "Focus on what the students are good at, and go from there." This clueless teacher can be my opportunity.

These are times when I wish I was still friends with HIM. He's an administrator, he knows education and the lame games we play at elementary schools. Yes, I would love his insight here...what would he tell me as my friend, as administrator? Ha!...wouldn't he just love GIVING his opinion...Come on, he would...

Looking Through Glass...

2009-10-12T17:14:00.000-04:00

I was asked yesterday what is it that I want from my life right now. In that moment I was not able to articulate what I want. Last year at this time everything seemed so clear...now the lines have been blurred.

Those who are in the know say these feelings are normal, especially for women. As we enter our mid forties women start thinking of all the things that, "should have been or might have been." Admittedly I am in that place.

I have thought a lot of what "might have been". You know what might have been had I stayed in California? What might have been had I waited for HIM to deal with his issues. What might have been had I just stayed in Spain this summer.

I've posted in the past the way I would like my life to proceed. I've posted my "plans" to get myself there. I've always been able to manifest the things that I want...to accomplish my goals, but lately it seems like I've been looking at my life from inside a glass wall where I am unable to make my dreams come true.

I am feeling stuck inside that glass. Stuck in a world where I am destined to live this boring, unfulfilled, unloved life. As I said last year at this time it was all clear. I felt like I was doing great things as a teacher. I lived a life where I socialized with people. I was loved - or at least believed I was loved by someone special.

Now I go through the motions of my life. I give my all to teaching...doing the best I can within the prameters of this new school. I have a couple friends. I don't think I can really speak about the love part - not today anyway. But like I said, I'm just watching...I'm not really participating.

I want to know this...where is my passion? Why can't I find it? I keep searching. Trying new things. Staying positive, being thankful for everything that the universe has given me...thinking joyful thoughts. Where is that passionate woman that I was? I got to know her in Spain...I miss her...where is she?

The logical side knows that these feelings are coming to the surface because my birthday just passed yesterday. The day come and not one of my "friends" here in Virginia even acknowledged it...not that this is a requirement for my friendship...but it just...I don't know...it just made me feel a little sad and really alone here.

My two best friends; who as I've said before do not live here in Virginia, tell me that I need to leave here...that I've out grown this place...who knows maybe they are right...the question is where to next....where am I going to find my passion?

Not What I Thought....

2009-10-05T19:25:00.000-04:00

Math...usually a subject that I have been very successful at teaching. Right now I am totally lost with the group of students in my classroom. I've shared before that the school I am at "flexible groups". That is a politically correct way to say they track students. My group is the lowest of all the 5th graders and I cannot figure out how to get them to learn the curriculum.

I am frustrated to the point of anger. Anger directed at myself because I do not know what to do. It is like I am talking to a box of rocks with these kids....and this is only the beginning of October.

The special education teacher I am co-teaching with says that we have to force them to memorize the concepts. I bite my tongue when she says these things reminding myself that this is her first year and no matter how much book learning she has done, she really has no clue about teaching.

A group like this doesn't memorize to learn...they really have to LEARN the stuff or it just ain't gonna stick. On top of that there are ONLY low students in this group...so there is absolutely no peer tutoring, which in the past has helped the lower students I have worked with.

I sometimes wish I was like many teachers and just not give a shit about the students who are not getting what I am teaching...but I've tried that and it just isn't me....I do care...probably too much.

So here I am the beginning of October with a group of students who are not learning math. I have a co-teacher who doesn't bring a fucking thing to the table...she is too busy to come up with modifications that could possibly help the children learn, and she is entirely too busy to spend extra time teaching the students - like during their lunch time. So the modifications and accommodations are left to me...the extra time teaching is left to me...I know I sound resentful...sorry it is the mood I am in right now.

On top of that it is my birthday this weekend. I turn 45 and am not liking it. It isn't the getting older part. It is the feeling like things are not turning out the way I thought they would part. Work isn't what I thought it would be. My personal life is well...definitely not what I thought it would be. I keep thinking of my birthday last year...and that just makes me cry because I was truly happy then...and now...my life is not turning out the way I thought...

First Date....

2009-09-27T15:38:00.000-04:00

Being a single woman of 44 years old, I've been out there in the dating world for a very long time now. As you can imagine, I've been on a multitude of "first dates". Last night I experienced another first date, and it is something I just have to share with you, my friends.

As I posted last week, I met Larry at the wine festival. I didn't really know if I was attracted to Larry. I mean with some men I'm immediately drawn to them from the second we meet...this was not the case with Larry. But I haven't been on a date here in the United States since I quit seeing HIM and it is definitely time I make myself available out there in the universe.

Larry called me during the week, calling me by the wrong name...he used a nickname that I never use because I hate being called by that nickname. I let that go, and agreed to meet him at a restaurant near my house.

For a woman the whole ritual of getting ready for a date is something I've always enjoyed. Not to sound conceited, but I am a pretty cute girl...some would even say I am pretty. So as I put on make-up, did my hair, and chose a sexy, but not too sexy outfit, I was in a pretty good head space...Selfishly I've always gone through this ritual more for myself and how it makes me feel rather than worrying about what the guy will think.

I meet Larry in the restaurant bar. I look at him and I notice that his jeans have been hemmed to the ankle straight legged style and he is wearing flip-flops. OK...this is so superficial, but come on, it is Saturday night, we are at a nice restaurant, and this dude made the choice to show me the most unattractive part of a man's body - his hairy feet and toes. My gay husband would've left right then - I just didn't look down for the rest of the night.

Larry has already been drinking wine, explaining to me that he hasn't been out on a date in 14 years and is a little nervous - he's divorced. Not a big deal, right? However, I can tell he's been sitting there drinking for a while - a big turn off in my book.

I am pretty good at the first date talk. Sharing just enough so the other person gets to know me, but not revealing too much - no one wants to hear about baggage on a first date, right? Larry didn't get that memo. He proceeds to tell me that he is the youngest of 8 children, but that six of his siblings are now dead. I'm not sure if he's looking for sympathy, but then he tells me that his family name will die with him as he is unable to conceive children....so far entirely too much information on a first date!

By now Larry has had four glasses of wine to my 1 1/2. and we've only been sitting there for about an hour. Growing up with an alcoholic father, my brain is screaming, "danger, danger". On top of the drinking, each time Larry orders another drink he snaps his fingers at the bartender in order to get his attention - if I was Susie, the bartender, I would've spit in his wine.

As Larry continues to unload all his family secrets, I'm informed that he comes from a very old family dating back to the Mayflower, is related to Robert E. Lee, among other war heroes, and he grew up in a haunted house built in the 1700's. Oh and of course he has a lot of money. I have found that when people talk about themselves this much on a first date, very little of it is true.

Just when I think I have heard everything, Larry tells me that three of his dead siblings died from alcohol, and one from a drug overdose. He tells me that he comes from a long line of alcoholics, but he didn't get that gene because he doesn't have to drink....he's just ordered his sixth glass of wine. Oh....we haven't even ordered dinner yet! Starving, I ask Larry if we can eat...

After we eat - I had the sea bass, which was amazing - I begin to plan out my exit. I didn't know what time it was, but I was done listening to Larry unload every piece of dirty laundry that he's been keeping in the dark trenches of his mind. He also felt this was the time for us to make plans - like going on vacation together...I almost RAN right then. After what I think is an appropriate 10 minutes after they have cleared our plates, I tell Larry that it is time for me to go.

Larry walks me to my car, I thank him for dinner, give him a peck on the lips. He tells me that he is going back in for another glass of wine. He asks if I want to go out again. I smile and tell him to give me a call, leaving Larry standing in the rain in his ankel jeans and flip-flops....I will be screening my calls for the next week....sorry dude, but if you are looking to get laid anytime soon I would rethink how you approach a first date.

As for me...I'm ready for my next first date!

Finding Best Practice in Teaching

2009-09-25T19:51:00.000-04:00

Friday night, I'm in my jammies, and I'm about to watch the season premier of Ghost Whisper...a teacher's wet dream after the first three weeks of school. OK...maybe just this teacher's web dream.

We are now into the first week of "real work". I'll put grades in my grade book this week and I'll start sending home student work in Tuesday Folders....this means I've been grading papers...the one job I avoid as a teacher.

My learning curve at this new school is in overdrive. I'm learning to hold my tongue. I think that is the key to all this....you know...live the life of smiling, nodding, and keeping my mouth shut. I think this is the safest place to be for an elementary school teacher.

In a way is excellent that the administration just stays away. When I think about it, everyone just stays away. There's no connection between anyone in that school not between the teachers on my team, nor with the teachers in special education or ESL. We all share students, but no one shares what they do in their classrooms....it is a little weird and creepy.

But like I said the administration just stays away, they just trust that we are doing the right thing in our classrooms....this could be a very good thing...however, I sorta wish they paid more attention. Because there is so much disconnect between teacher and specialist in that school. Plus the students are pulled so many different directions...I question if this is the "best practice" for teaching.

Many teachers talk of "best practice". While there are many different ways to define this, I find that for the students I teach "best practice" is for students to have as much uninterrupted instructional time in the general education classroom. While every teacher today has students who receive services through special education or ESL, I've found that having those specialists "push-in" the classroom is the best way. That is, I believe students should be completely included in the classroom.

This way of thinking is not the practice at my new school. Instructional time is constantly interrupted by various numbers of students going to band, strings, or chorus. The rule is that I am supposed to stop teaching when students are pulled for these classes. How does one do this and teach everything that is in the curriculum?

I fear that my students who receive special education and ESL services are losing out. Are they really learning how to read and comprehend? Are they really learning math concepts or being forced to memorize a bunch of rules that mean nothing to them?

Instead of complaining or fighting a battle I will surely lose, I'm rethinking my approach to teaching. I am desperately trying to find ways to integrate reading and problem solving in everything I do with my students...this would mean when I teach content subjects like social studies and science.

I am not saying that my "best practice" is the only way, and I'm not saying that the special education and ESL teachers are not doing their job. However, there is little communication and these teachers do not really seem interested in talking about how to combine our efforts. I understand this because for many teachers this "practice" takes more work and effort and a new way of thinking when it comes to educating children...again a battle I will not win...so I do what I can when I can, and not rock the boat or ruffle the sensitive feathers of my co-workers.

Maybe that is my lesson in all this....

Isn't FHA Supposed to be A Good Thing?

2009-09-21T18:39:00.001-04:00

I wish I knew how to say, "Are you freaking kidding me?" in Spanish. I wonder if the effect is the same after the translation?

So I didn't get the house that I mentioned in my last post. The bank took another offer. This is the sixth offer I've made on a house! What is the deal here? I made a really good offer, $17,000 over asking price, asked for $5,000 in closing...a good offer...even the LISTING agent said it looked like I had the best offer. But no...apparently they were just...joking.

The listing agent said it was because I was going to go for an FHA loan. First time home buyer thing, you know? She said the seller wasn't sure the property would qualify. My first question is why have five of the nine homes sold in the same condo complex been sold to first time home buyers through FHA??? Why didn't my real estate agent ask that right away?

The seller is a bank...so banks look at the bottom line, that is why I bid so much over the asking price. I thought that was the smart thing to do (I've learned somethings in placing six previous offers). I did exactly what they asked me to do, even rushing around Saturday night signing an extra form for the seller AND getting pre-qualified through their bank....then they turn around and say NO to me?

It just pisses me off this is just wrong. I've sent my agent on a mission to find out why? What is their deal? I hope I get to talk to the bank guy who said no. My agent is afraid to be confrontational...he just accepts things....I let him know tonight that I didn't like that...not sure I will have this guy as my agent much longer. He doesn't have to be a pushy asshole, but I want him to go in and ask questions, fight with a smile for me...without me telling him what to do.

Every other offer I've been like, "OK...universe you know best...you'll lead me to the right direction." This time I am truly pissed off. Not at the universe, but at the bank people, the listing agent, and my agent. None of them realize how personal buying a home is...especially when you plan to live there. To them it is just another name on a paper they've said, "no" to...the listing agent made a sale and the bank sold the property. My agent, well he has other clients, I guess. I think that is what pisses me off the most....these people are not seeing me as human...I'm just this faceless name on a paper in front of them....it's just wrong!! I think I deserve to be treated like a human being even in a business transaction.

As far as the universe goes...I know you are leading me in the right direction...things are peaceful right now..thank you for that...but can you give me a clue...what am I missing here?

Vino Tinto....

2009-09-20T17:37:00.000-04:00

Went to the Vintage Virginia fall Wine Festival yesterday. You may remember me posting about the spring version of this festival...that was only last May, but it seems like a lifetime ago.

Yesterday was a perfect pre-fall day...75 degrees and sunny...I went with friends and we took a picnic and drank a lot of wine on the grass....just lovely.

A man named Larry hung out with us for a while, asking me for my email when we left. This morning I get an email asking if I want to go out next Saturday...OMG a date on a Saturday night!! I'm not sure I'm attracted to Larry, but a free dinner and conversation...it sure beats take out and Law and Order repeats...plus every woman likes to be seen as a woman now and then.

I received two lovely emails from people I had met in Spain. Ester, is teacher who lives in Madrid. I thought Ester was a really cool lady and I am glad she reached out to say hello. I asked her if she wanted our students to be pen-pals...Was that a lame thing to ask her? I mean, school is in session, people, and those 5th graders are supposed to be able to write letters.

The other email was from "J"...remember... I wrote about him when I came back from Spain. He just makes me smile...he has this amazing way of using the English language...it is not always correct, but it is quite beautiful. I bet he is a really great writer in Spanish....I wonder if he's heard of Gabriel Garcia Marquez ? I think I need a pen-pal, don't you?

Keep your fingers crossed that this time next week I will be "under contract" as we say in the real estate business. Just a little condo...but mine...and tax deductable.

I met Andres Friday night for a beer and some conversation. I gotta tell you it is hard to speak Spanish during happy hour. There was a lot of "Como? Como?", but I just rambled on in my rickety Spanish and Andres smiles, corrects me, making me repeat things over and over again to get the pronouncation just right...

It seems like I'm having a life....

Alguna Vez...Conmigo....

2009-09-13T18:56:00.000-04:00

I just love watching football on Sunday! And the title of this posting means nothing...just my new favorite words to stay in Spanish!

This weekend you could feel that the seasons are starting to change...fall is coming. I like fall in Virginia. The air is just crisp enough to have to wear a jacket. The leaves will magically change into the most beautifully vibrant colors. School has started and life is consumed by getting to know the lovely little darlings that have graced you with their presence. Football season begins...and Sundays are filled with watching very large men take a ball down a grass field while they bash into each other...muy perfecto!

The first week of school was good. I am definitely not in the ghetto anymore. These are nice kids...way more innocent than my classes at my other school. They are a year younger, but even the 6th graders look innocent in this place. Things are way different from my old school. I've had to make changes, but change is good for every soul.

My approach to the way I teach has changed a bit...well how I structure things anyway. This was difficult for me...to fit what I think a good classroom is into this school's structure and schedule. Of course I fought it for a minute...then I took a step back and re-thought my approach...how would the new Gracie handle things? Once I relaxed into their schedule and went with the flow, ideas just started popping into my brains...I can be a kick ass teacher and make it all fit into their world...

Just a bit more of the nerdy teacher stuff here. This school "flexible groups" for math and language arts. I have the "lower" classes for both math and language arts. The thing that is kinda cool is that the class sizes are pretty small. Math is a bit bigger (20 kids) because I combined with the special ed teacher. My group for language arts is unbelievably small - only 12-15 kids! Do you realize how totally cool that is? I can do so much....lit circles, a lot of guided reading, real writing conferences....I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

I know I did a lot of complaining...but I'm so glad that I just frigging relaxed with it all...because there are nice people at this school...and I would like to stay a while.

I've met with my language partner, Andres, twice now. Yesterday we met downtown and spoke in English and Spanish for about three hours. Andres is a graduate student from Columbia. It would be very 'romance novel' for me to describe Andres as a tall, beautifully sculpted Latino man who looks deeply into my soul with smoldering eyes. As cool as that fantasy is, my Andres is a skinny awkward kid/man studying to be an electrical engineer. He is very patient with my butchering his home language, and he's starting to get some of my jokes and word usage,,,So far so good...The hot language partner of my fantasies will continue to thrive in my imagination.

However, I WILL be ready for Spain...Keeping my eye on the prize....Spain...travel for the two summer months. You know what is funny? I really want to buy my own place...but I am seeing home ownership my ticket to summer travel...is there something wrong with that...you know being motivated by travel??

Speaking of home ownership....I lost out on the perfect place this week. My agent couldn't show me the property on Wednesday night when it became available. We looked on Thursday went to place an offer to HUD and someone had bid Wednesday night and the offer was accepted Thursday. I know, I guess it really wasn't the perfect house. Sheesh...

My agent is not very pro-active at finding me places. He should know what I like by now, we've put offers in on five different places. My little go-getter sits back and waits for me find the places...I may have to fire him if I am really seriously wanting to buy something.

Well....my new year has begun...I think I've mentioned that a teacher's year begins in September...me gusto mucho...gracias!

New School Growing Pains

2009-09-06T16:51:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been the "new kid in school"? I have many times in my life. From kindergarten to 12th grade I went to thirteen different schools....so being the new kid is something I learned how to do a long time ago...or so I thought. This week I was the "new" teacher at school. While a learning experience in an abundance of ways, being a "new" teacher in a school is a lot like having a scarlet "TN tatooed onto ones forehead.

Right off, let me just say that there are many people who have been very nice, helpful, and have made me feel right at home. However, the learning curve one goes through when starting at a new school is like walking into an alien spaceship or a foreigh country. All of a sudden everything I have known about being a teacher is not understood by those around me. I is like I am speaking another language and have no dictionary to refer to.

Everything I mentioned about doing in my classroom was answered with a, "we don't do that here." or "I'm sorry, I don't know you as a teacher so I am not sure you can teach these students." Talk about getting slapped into insecurity zone from the get go.

Of course being me, I took everything VERY personal and cried most of the week. I HATED where I was at for the last 3 years, but in those moments I so wanted to be back there...at least they knew I do good things with my students...

Again, being me, with the emotion that was seeping out of my skin like sweat off of a fat guy, I shut down completely. This was exactly what I DIDN'T want to do...but there it was...me with a HUGE wall around me that the largest sledgehammer couldn't break through. I came off exactly as I was...unapproachable, emotional, and really unhappy about deciding to teach at this school.

I did rally back Thursday night and went in Friday with a happy face agreeing with whatever they said...outwardly agreeing anyway. I am hoping this attitude will last. I know frustration will rear its ugly head...then what?

Frustrated...that is the key word here. One example is that I am working with a BRAND NEW special ed teacher for math - in a co-teaching situation, which is great....I love co-teaching. So today this woman tells me she has doubts that this will work...that special educations students will not learn with general education students. She hasn't even met the students! How does she know what they can or cannot do? I smiled and said that I am going in with the attitude that we will be a successful team and produce successful students and am hopeing she can see things the same way...she said she would try...WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? How can a person walk into a school with the attitude that students are not going to succeed?

You know, all I really want to do is teach and make students successful. I want to be shown a little respect and treated like I am a credible teacher. I want my own place to buy and to move. Iwant to make enough money so I can travel next summer for the entire 2 months. It is not a lot to ask. I am not even asking for some guy to be my boyfriend, or for HIM to like me again, or for people to hang out with...so why does it feel like I am constantly swimming upstream to fight a battle that I am not sure I am even going to win? These ARE attainable goals...aren't they?

Teaching, Football, and A Little Something New...

2009-08-29T15:29:00.001-04:00

It is that time again....teachers go back to work and spend the week preparing their classrooms for the arrival of students the Tuesday after Labor Day. Also football season is starting...large men bashing into each other just makes me smile. Last year at this time there was a sense of excitement because I was starting a project of sorts at school...I even had another blog that I started writing...that, and Sundays were filled watching football on a big fancy television...good times....

While I am REALLY glad to be starting at a new school, I am proceeding with caution. I have discovered that they do things much differently than I am used to. They "track" students and they are big fans of "pulling out"...If you are a teacher you completely understand what I am talking about...if you are not, well basically they put students into low, medium, high, and learning disability groups that rarely change. I feel all students should be included in the classroom and student "groups" change all them time, and are not only based on ability levels. So, my philosophical approach to teaching is very different, and I am not sure how to deal with that.

The Gracie of the last school year would fight, kick, and scream to get her point across...and her way. The Gracie of today is not sure what to do. Do I express my views hopefully finding words that will not give the perception that I am NOT, for lack of a better word....a bitch? Do I just keep my mouth shut? This is really bugging me...I am trying to do things differently...I'm just not sure how...I keep reminding myself to just surrender, the answers will come...

As far as football goes...there will still be Sunday games....I don't have a big fancy television...we will see if it is the same...

As for my something new... I have decided to improve my Spanish. So I will be more prepared when I go back to Spain next summer. I posted a request for a tandem language partner on Couch Surfing....and you know what? Someone answered....so I will follow up and hopefully find a friend to meet with once a week where we will speak English for a while then Spanish for a while...you know TANDEM...we both learn a language...kinda cool, huh? Even more cool is that by next summer I will be speaking great Spanish for my return trip....

Just Surrender...

2009-08-21T16:50:00.000-04:00

Thinking about my new life that I'm walking towards I am realizing that there is a word that must now be included in my vocabulary: surrender. My way has always been to work, fight, or push my way into getting what I want. Now I am finding, much to my discomfort, that fighting and pushing is not going to get me where I want to be.

Just surrender. That is what the voice in my head keeps telling me...just surrender, Gracie. Have faith that you will find the contentment and peace you are looking for. I am all for faith and for listening to that inner voice. So why am I having such a rough time coming to terms with this just surrender concept?

This started when I found a condo I wanted to buy. I put an offer in all seemed good. Then, I find out that there are all these obstacles: the seller wants to wait to approve, it is in short sale so I need to wait for the seller's bank to give an approval, my agent doesn't want to push the listing agent. All the while I'm thinking to myself, "Hey people, I made the decision to buy a place, this is part of the plan of my life...will you just make it WORK OUT for flips sake?"

So woman makes plans and God laughs. I've heard this a million times over...nice joke...thanks. Now what? That voice again, "Just surrender..." The old Gracie wants to fight kicking and screaming...the new Gracie knows this will only bring sadness and stress. But the old Gracie is screaming at me, "Only WIMPS surrender...you are no WIMP!"

I know that there is strength to be found in surrendering. I just cannot see it yet. I think that is what is troubling me most. I cannot see what is on the other side. I KNOW this is where the faith comes in...knowing that the other side will be wonderful. Can't I just get a peek? Come on what do you say?

All this is making me very closed off. I do not want to talk to anyone. I definitely do not want to go look at more houses with my real estate agent. Just the desperate look on his face and his voice telling me that condo X is a great place...it doesn't matter that you can get mugged as you're going home or that you have to go to the basement to share a community laundry room, it's perfect for you, Gracie...I just cannot do this anymore.

Buying or not buying my own place is just a catalyst or a crossroads or a fork in the road, maybe even a test. The important thing is how I handle this situation will determine how my new life will proceed. I do not know how I know this...I just know. I am not sure how to just surrender. I want to think it doesn't mean to just give up...because even the new Gracie is not a quitter.

I'm sitting here and I realize that I am totally and completely afraid to just let go and surrender. The thought of just going on faith at this time is terrifying me...So much so that I have stopped momentarily and that is even more scary...this is a problem...

I am a person of solutions...there's a problem I want to immediately find a solution and put it into action. Trouble is I cannot exactly find a solution...I know just surrender...but what does that mean? Once I figure that out I'll let you know....

What Does Matter???

2009-08-18T17:44:00.001-04:00

For the last week I've had so many thoughts floating around in my head. Sometimes this is good because it is a sign that I need to write, and I usually end up writing things that I like. I tried writing the last two days, and it just was not happening. I couldn't stay focused and my random thoughts had no direction...so I sent them to the delete pile. So here I go again...let's see what happens...

I have two weeks until I go back to work. I see this time as the calm before the storm. Please do not take this as a negative statement. This is truly a gift of time that allows me to continue taking charge of my life...putting into action the decisions I talked about in my last posting. However, as I am taking action my brain goes on overload with thoughts and ideas of what exactly I am accomplishing here..and the new life that I am about to begin...yes folks, I am about to begin a brand new life.

My trip to Spain sent me on a spectacular adventure, one that will stay with me forever. More importantly, my trip allowed a new person to emerge - a new and improved Gracie, if you will. However, for this new Gracie to thrive I must let go of the old Gracie - the girl that is no longer needed in my new life.

So my thoughts over the last week have been consumed with letting go of parts of my life that are no longer necessary. You see, the old Gracie is a person who has never been comfortable when it comes to opening her heart up. The old Gracie is very good at "faking" and appearing like she is open - the reality is that there is a wall around that girl that very few have ever penetrated.

In Spain the wall crumbled into dust. This was not anything I did consciously...it just happened...and to my surprise I liked the girl behind that wall better...she glows...she is lovely...and she is who I really am. Right now the only thing on my mind is keeping her alive.

You may think this is easy, trust me it is not - it is really flippin' hard. Old Gracie is very strong, and very comforting in times of stress. She can manipulate and justify every negative action that comes to mind or out of my mouth. Old Gracie is afraid of the person that I discovered while in Spain. Afraid because as the new Gracie grows a piece of the old must die in order to make space. I know this sounds like I am a crazy person fighting with my multiple personalities - OK I get that...and you are sort of right in that regard.

I'm looking at the death of old Gracie as an ending, but also a beginning of a great journey. So you can see why these two weeks before school starts - this calm before the storm - are so important. Each day I am joyfully letting go of Old Gracie...giving her lots of love, light and thanks because she has been or rather is someone that has been so good to me, protected me, and been my friend when I felt I didn't have a friend in the world. These two weeks are giving me the time and space to say good-bye.

This path that I am on is truly fascinating. As get to know new Gracie, I am beginning to understand that the "stuff" that was so disturbing in my life before I went to Spain really do not hold the same value. For example, it is no longer a terrible thing that I don't really "fit" in Virginia. Or that I do not have as many friends as I had in California. Not to sound like a clique, but I've found some peace in both of those aspects of my life. In the big picture of where I'm going those things do not really matter.

So what does matter? How I treat others matters. How I treat myself matters. Sending love and light out into the world matters. Allowing the new Gracie to become the most beautiful person she know how to be matters. Those other things...those worries are the things that will keep new Gracie from taking the amazing journey she is about to take.

Look, I am human and I love having people in my life...I am truly blessed by the people who are my friends. However, don't you think it is a bit silly to put all my focus on trying "fit in", or searching endlessly for new friends. or even looking for a boyfriend. Isn't it better to focus on this new amazing person I see myself becoming? The new Gracie is turning out to be a truly great person...doesn't it make sense to have faith that truly great things will come her way?

The calm before the storm...a gift I must remember as I start the school year and the things that don't really matter start creeping their way into my soul...and you know they

will. I am curious about what my reaction will be when those little "things" tap my soul on the shoulder. How interesting this journey will be....

Taking Charge

2009-08-10T16:25:00.000-04:00

I have two "best friends" in this world. My best girlfriend lives in Los Angeles and I call her "the wife", and my best guy friend is traveling the world. I call him my "gay husband". These two people have seen me through thick and thin over the last 20 years. They have loved me unconditionally as I've been good, bad, and even ugly. Before we even get started here, let me say that I cannot imagine life without "the wife" or my "gay husband".

Last week I received an email from the wife. It was a Daily Kabbalah Tune Up titled "Take Charge" and said:

You are the only one who will make your life different.
Your personal growth and betterment is related to how much you want to lead in your own life. That is how much you will manifest. Today take charge in those areas where you have given your power over to others.

A day later my gay husband sends me a link to an article he wrote for Matador Travel, a travel and lifestyle web site. In his article he mentioned me and how after going to Spain I've discovered that a new way of life is not only possible, but within my reach...all I need to do is TAKE CHARGE.

In the two weeks since I've returned from Spain have been, dare I say...extremely challenging. I've been walking around in a state of sadness, confusion, and self destructiveness. I'm not proud of this, but to be honest I have not been TAKING CHARGE OF MY LIFE! Although I haven't really shared much about these last two weeks with my wife or my gay husband, they both instinctively and separately sent me these messages as a way to kick my ass into gear...thanks, guys...

I know, the question in your mind is: Why have I been allowing LIFE to take charge of ME instead of the other way around? I'm not sure. Coming back from Spain did make me sad...I loved it there more than I thought was possible. I discovered a new life is possible and right there in front of me, but I'm not sure how to incorporate it into my current life here in Virginia....that's where the confusion comes in. The self-destructive piece of this puzzle just appears when I'm either sad or confused about how to make my next move in life...sort of my little way of punishing myself...why I think I deserve to be punished...I have no fucking clue...that is one of those little secrets about myself that most don't know about...guess I've let that cat out of the bag haven't I?

Just to clarify my self-destructive behaviors...they manifest themselves in different ways...this time it's not exercising, eating anything that can make me fat, and smoking cigarettes. I know you are like, "Big deal, Gracie. Those things are not SO bad." Well...YES they ARE, because they are my way of alienating myself from others...you know keeping others away from me...very healthy!

So here I sit, five pound heavier since I've returned from Spain, my muscle mass depleting, and smelling like an ashtray...not an attractive picture, I know...and not one I am very proud of. So you can see how important it is that I TAKE CHARGE before two weeks becomes two months, or two years....you get the picture.

For me, TAKING CHARGE comes in stages. First, I figure out why this has started in the first place. I have this part covered: before going to Spain I was looking for a home to buy, psyched to start a new school, and in a place where I had let HIM go....A nice little safe package. I come back from Spain and I do not know if buying my own home is the right thing to do, I'm ambivalent about starting a new school, and HE has responded to my writing like a jealous, left out boyfriend, who supposedly wants to be my friend, which is not only confusing, but sort of pisses me off. I can hear the wife now, "Gracie, you've given your power away!" I KNOW this...that is what I'm trying to resolve here.

The second stage is to start DOING. For me this means I exercise even though I don't want to. I eat food that doesn't contain complex carbohydrates - they not only make me fat, they make me a bit depressed. I also, make sure I don't smoke cigarettes. The second stage is critical and the most difficult to achieve...but I know taking it one day at a time is the only way...can you guess I've been down this road many times before.

Third and final stage of TAKING CHARGE is to make decisions. So decision number one: I will buy my own place. Doing this gives me a home base, and a VERY LARGE tax deduction that will give me the funds to travel all summer if I choose. Some may look at me owning a home as a chain that will keep me in Virginia. I'm seeing it as the vehicle that will enable me continue exploring that new life I discovered in Spain.

Decision number two: I know going to a new school is a GREAT thing. I do have FAITH that it will be a wonderfully productive and peaceful school year. My experiences at my old school are a thing of the past that I will stomp on whenever they rear their disgusting head. Again, teaching in Virginia will give much needed security that will allow me to continue delve deeper into a new life. One more year and I am eligible to take a year off, teach overseas, and come back still having a job.

Decision number three: HIM...I am not sure he knows how to be my friend...especially now that I've returned from Spain. I keep asking myself, do I really care anymore if he is my friend or not? I mean, what is it exactly that I'm getting out of this "friendship"? I do not mean to sound callus, but after a while it just becomes boring. In this case I know my thoughts are better served elsewhere....Can you guess what my decision is?

I know...I have shared a lot with this posting, but I think it was necessary. Remember this blog is mostly for ME. Who knows, maybe there are others who have similar situations....and are trying to figure out for themselves how to TAKE CHARGE.....

Are You There, God? It's Me, Gracie...

2009-08-01T16:30:00.000-04:00

Do you remember that Judy Blume book, Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret? When I was 12 years old it was THE book that all the girls read. If you are female you may remember reading this book as you entered puberty. If you are a dude, well...I'd be a bit concerned if you read this book as you were going through puberty.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret is about a young girl as she enters that confusing time just before she gets her period. Confusing is putting it mildly; and yes, I even wondered if God was around during that time of my life. Everything changes for a young girl during this time...her body, her thoughts, her wants, her needs, and definitely her mood. Everything comes into question. I know, you're asking yourself, "Gracie, why are you bringing up puberty?" Well, my friends, what I'm going through now with this friggin' perimenopause is a lot like going through puberty.

Everything is changing. My body, my thoughts, my wants, my needs, my flipping mood. The only difference is that I'm no longer an innocent 12 year old. I have years of experience to add to this crazy mix. So...Are you there, God? It's me, Gracie...what the hell is going on here???

The books I've read about menopause say this is normal during the 5-7 years before the BIG M hits me in the face. Women question their choices in life during this time. You know, things like, Did I make the right choices? Is my life going where I want it to go? I MUST make DRASTIC changes NOW or I will just die. So God...It's me, Gracie...what's the flippin' deal here?? I'm feeling like a nut case.

God...there's an interesting subject during this time of my life. I have never been very religious, never went to church as a kid. However, I've always believed that there's something bigger than us out there. My Christain friends will cringe as I say this, but I'm not sure that "God" is just Jesus. I think God is whatever you perceive him/her to be. For some, God is the Buddah, Allah, Vishnu, or Mother Earth. I ask you, does it really matter how we perceive God? Isn't having faith the important thing? Is God listening to me as I go through this crazy time? I truly believe he/she does listen, at least I sure as hell hope so.

The question I propose is: does God answer us back? I have always talked to God...even as a kid...but my conversations are not really formal prayers...they are just conversations. I have always talked to God like he/she was just a person hanging out with me...again the Christians are freaking out...relax people...I mean no disrespect. I ask again...does God answer back? I think so...that is if we REALLY listen and pay attention.

Music has always played an important role in my life. Whatever, right? Many people like music, Gracie, you are getting off topic. Let me explain. For me music has always been the way God talked to me....you know, got the messages I needed to hear through my thick skull. You know that song by Bruce Springsteen, "Dancing In The Dark" from Born in the USA? That record (yes, I mean RECORD ALBUM) came out in 1984. That song spoke to me in such a way that at age 20 I packed my bags and moved by myself to Los Angeles with a dream of being in the music business. That song was God's way of telling me that all would be OK...that I would make my dreams come true...and you know what? All was OK...and I made many dreams come true during my 20 years in Los Angeles.

What is totally freaking me out is that same song, "Dancing In The Dark" keeps coming up. The radio, my IPod when it is on shuffle, in the mall, in elevators. I'm laying at the pool today and there's Bruce singing,

"There's something happening somewhere, baby I just know there is...you can't start a fire sitting around crying from a broken heart...you can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart..."

OK, God, it is me, Gracie...I get the "sitting around crying about a broken heart and worrying" stuff, and you are right....that gets me nowhere. But Bruce Springsteen is just one example. As I was laying there in the hot sun, songs just kept coming up, Semisonic's, "If I Run", Sarah McLachlan's "Surrender", David Gray's, "This Year's Love", Smashing Pumpkins' "Mayonnaise". I understand those songs may not mean squat to you people out there, but for me they have always had a certain significance. Take a listen, maybe you will get where I am coming from. Now God, that play list has over 400 songs on it and THOSE come up? What the freak? What are you trying to tell me??

Since I came back from Spain my brain has been spinning with so many thoughts and questions about what I'm doing here, how to finally fix "things" in my life, and the biggie, what do I really want for my "what's next"? See, I do ask that sometimes...I do not always live in the moment.

I do know that the answers to my questions or my "what's next" are not going to be found outside. This is all about me. It is not about moving to another place, whether I want HIM as a friend or not, making friends, or even a boyfriend. Those things will be the icing on the cake as I find my answers. I also know that the answers will be shown to me when the time is right. God, it's me, Gracie...have I got that part right at least?

I remember when I was 18 and I had my first real boyfriend. I could have wrangled my way into a marriage with this guy...really, I could have. Even though seeing me married off would have made my mother very happy, I just knew that there was so much more for me to experience. So much more for me to do, you know? I have had many, many experiences in my 44 years; yet I keep thinking there's so much more out there...Spain really showed me that.

I want my future mean something and not just be this empty vessel of cities I've visited or lived in, men I've fucked, jobs I've had, or people who have come and gone. I can hear the people in my life, "Gracie, you have accomplished so much. You've reinvented yourself a couple times over and have been successful, you teach children and impact their lives, blah blah blah." I know all this, but I am feeling that is not enough, you know? That there has GOT to be more for me...I do not mean to sound like an ego maniac or a narcissist, but I want, maybe even need my "what's next" to have a larger impact on the world than my experiences in the past have had. God, it's me, Gracie...are you getting my drift?

So here I sit faced with a new school year that starts in a month. Wondering what my "what's next" is. Do I stay in Virginia and buy my first home? Is it time to move on and reinvent myself again? Is going to Spain the answer or was that just the catalyst for what is going to happen in my future? I do know that I do not want to lose the woman I became while in Spain. I love her and think it would kill me if I allowed her to die as I get back into the grind of life.

I have well meaning people in my life who tell me to leave Virginia, that this is not the place for me. I have also been told, "If you go, I will follow you on the computer, keep in touch, etc." Before Spain these things would have influenced my decisions, but now...WHATEVER...my decisions are only about ME...that's the narcissist talking. The confusion I am going through is part of growing up and I just need to find some comfort in it all so it does not become too overwhelming and make me crazy. God, it's me, Gracie...I'm listening. You WILL give the answers when I need them, won't you?

Fantasy Land

2009-07-30T11:54:00.001-04:00

I told myself that I would have one week to be in what I call, Fantasy Land. This is sort of limbo where I'm not quite here in Virginia, but I'm not quite in Spain. I'm in-between...I do those at home things like go to the gym and do laundry, but then I do Spain things like eat what I want, drink wine, and daydream about another life. One week...then back to my reality that is Virginia....well the week ends on Sunday, and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to come back.

I was asked last night why do I stay in Virginia if it isn't really "home" for me. My answer was that I have "things" to do here, I'm not finished, and until I'm finished those "things" will follow me where ever I go. Plus my gut tells me that if I don't find some peace here, I won't find peace anywhere else. But since I came back from Spain last Saturday I look around and ask myself, "What the fuck are you doing here, Gracie?"

I know that quite a lot of this is the after my vacation backlash. I knew when I left Spain that I would experience these feelings...that I would feel a bit down and a little afraid of coming back to a life where I'm not entirely happy. That being said, I KNOW that it is up to me to make myself happy and not allow those dark feelings to take over my life. So now the question is, what do I gotta do to make myself happy?

Please don't get the perception that I'm this miserable human being because I'm not - far from it. I have a good job that I love, I can pay my bills, I'm in a position to buy my first home, I have good friends, over all...I have a good life and for that I'm extremely grateful. It's that contented feeling that I'm striving for...right now...yo no soy muy contenta as they say in Espana.

Going to a new school this year is good start...but it is also one of those "things" I need to deal with here in Virginia. I'm really afraid for the start of school at the end of August. I didn't realize just how afraid I was until I went to book club with some of my new colleagues Tuesday.

It's like this...I know that I'm hard to get to know...I can make small talk, no problem...but when the conversation gets too personal I either say entirely too much or I shut down. Saying too much too soon is very dangerous as it can come and bite you in the ass....I experienced that at my last school. Shutting down is even more dangerous because then I give the perception that I'm aloof and unfriendly. I'm not sure where the middle ground is on this....any suggestions? I also know that I have a very strong personality and that I am very passionate about education and how things should be taught. Thus, I sometimes give the perception that I'm a 'know it all" and people don't like that. So again, I do one of two things...I talk too much or I shut down...again, both equally dangerous, to repeat...NOT SURE WHERE THE MIDDLE GROUND IS. These "work things" have been with me my entire life...so I got to deal...it's now or never.

That is the work side of things. On the personal side, this week in Fantasy Land has magnified just how on my own I am here in Virginia. My really good friends are either in California or traveling the world. I have made a couple calls to people that are "friends" here in Virginia...but calls haven't gotten returned or people are off living lives that don't include me. This is another "thing" I must deal with here in Virginia - I either need to figure out at age 44 how to make friends or be at peace with not having friends here. This "no friend" things isn't as pathetic as I'm making it sound - I have plans next week for dinner with a friend, and I did see HIM last night - I guess he's a friend...that's how we left it anyway...we'll see if he picks up that ball.

HIM as a friend...there's a blog for you - Can A Person be Friends With Someone After Being in Love With Them? I'll think on that, in the meantime, seeing HIM - interesting - especially since he's been reading this blog and has reacted passionately a couple times through email, which is kinda nice that my writing affected someone. We did need to talk with each other...clear things I guess. I will say that I was having some dangerous thoughts last night (the wine, I think) had thought become action I would be writing an entirely different blog today. So friends? Well I guess he does know me better than anyone else here in Virginia. I do know we enjoy talking with each other; and we like, even love each other as people, but will we be friends? I left the door open...if he walks through I'll go from there....Look, don't freak out I''m just saying what I'm thinking...I would like him to walk through that door, but I will be very surprised if he does, as it is often easier to just walk past.

I have realized that today's writing is kind of all over the place. I guess that is just my state of mind here in Fantasy Land. Quite often my thoughts do that...they float around me like a bunch of dandelion seeds blowing in the wind. I think writing them down makes them less overwhelming and keeps their voices quieter.

I do know what I need to do once I leave Fantasy Land on Sunday...I need to take care of business and take care of myself so my head is back in the game. Going to Spain put some perspective on how I can deal with the "things" that are haunting me here in Virginia...because once dealt with they will become a distant memory and I will be able to say whole heartedly, "Yo soy muy contenta!"

Until Sunday, I go to the gym, I do laundry, I eat what I want, I drink Spanish wine, and I daydream about another life....

A Moment in Love

2009-07-26T16:02:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been in love? You know, your heart beats really fast, you cannot think straight, and the entire world suddenly looks bright and beautiful in a way it never has before. This is something I think we as humans crave, and quite frankly need.

While in Spain I discovered "falling in love" in a way I never had before. Of course I've been in love...if you've read my blog you know that I spent a year being in love with someone in a way that I had never experienced. My trip to Spain blew that love out of the water.

You are probably wondering, what in the hell is Gracie talking about? I guess I'm wondering that as well. I thought the love I had experienced with HIM was the most profound and the only way I could ever connect with another human being, and when it ended I just KNEW I would never experience that again...well I was wrong.

I decided before I went to Spain that I the most important thing I could do for myself was to be open to all that could possibly happen. So I opened myself up and I met many people. You've read about some of the people I met in previous postings so I won't bore you with a recap. But at the end of my trip something happened and that is what I want to write about today.

I spent 6 days in Salamanca, Spain teaching adults conversational English. In my last post I wrote about this, so again, I won't bore you. What I must talk about is one of my first "conversations". It was on the first day of the program and he was a very tall, handsome Spanish businessman...for this posting we will call him J.

J is a bit older than me and has worked for the same company for over 20 years. He has a family and I could tell he loves them very much. In our conversation he told me he has a dream of buying a Harley Davidson motorcycle and going to live in Paris and that within the next 5-6 years he will begin to make that dream come true...in that moment I think I fell in love. Why? Because I think anyone with a dream like that could truly understand me and my constant wonder-lust.

Nothing happened between J and I for a couple days. Of course we talked and got to know each other. In my mind I kept thinking that this man only thought of me as a friend, which was fine with me...I'm always up for great conversations with a handsome man. In fact, there was another man that I had an attraction to and "connected" with one night. This other man was the universe's way of reminding me that assholes are everywhere...even in Spain. He is not worth any more of my writing time.

The next night a group of us went dancing at a club in Salamanca. J went along and we talked some more. I just found that I loved talking with this man, which is doubly fascinating because J's English isn't so good and my Spanish isn't so good, but we communicated beautifully. Then we danced, and you know I saw stars...and I don't think it was the vodka I was drinking. As we danced we connected in another way. I found him totally and completely sexy and had this overwhelming desire to be with him, I guess you could say this was only "physical" and that my crazy hormones were acting up, but I don't think this was the case.

When we went back to the hotel J asked if he could come to my room and I told him yes. He knocked on my door and all he said was, "don't think" and he kissed me. Again I saw stars - ok fireworks. I had not been with - I mean sex - with a man since being with well...HIM from last year. To be quite honest I didn't really feel the want or need to have sex with any of the other men I had met in Spain. I WANTED to have sex with J more that I thought possible. It felt as if I couldn't get close enough to him. Hormones, lust? Maybe...but in that moment I was in love in a way that I never thought was possible. I let him completely SEE me and FEEL me without thinking and with complete TRUST in him and more importantly myself. I don't know if it was the Spanish he was whispering in my ear, but him touching me just set my skin on fire and I wanted to be with this person in this way forever.

We each "slept" in our own hotel rooms, but the next morning J was all smiles to me. That in itself just solidified the love I was feeling. All day long I wanted to just talk and be with him. The night couldn't arrive fast enough. He told me that he wanted us to talk together alone some more...my head was just spinning because all I wanted was to be with him. We spent the night together, sneaking off from the party being held by the program like two high school kids.

The time I spent with this man wasn't only about sex. It was about me connecting with another. Like I said before I didn't know for sure that I could do that again after having my heart so broken. I found that it is possible to "fall in love" again...even if it is for only a moment. I say for a moment because J and I both have lives an ocean away from each other, and I'm old enough to know the reality of that. So there is no "what's next"...there is/was only "what is right now" and we didn't think about anything else. When you get right down to it, "right now" is all we really have because the reality is that tomorrow may not come...so grab hold of the "right now" and enjoy and cherish it.

J and I parted ways the next day. He said to me, "Todos lo que quieras." Loosely translated it means, "Everything that is wanted." I agree...J is everything that I wanted and quite frankly what I needed to move forward. What a gift!

Salamanca Surprise

2009-07-22T13:34:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in a bar/cafe in Salamanca, Spain. It is Wednesday evening. I've been teaching adults conversational English all week...I'm tired and definitely "talked out"...but I'm so loving this week.

I've been involved in this program called Vaughn Town where I spend a week with businessmen and women teaching them conversational English. Basically, I have numerous conversations with Spanish people. I must tell you this is one of the most interesting and rewarding experiences I've ever had.

The people I have met are quite simply...AWESOME! I cannot even begin to tell you how much these people have enriched my life.

Both sides, the Anglos and the Spaniards, have many different lives. Yet we all came together for a common purpose...to learn. As we talked we learned about each other. At night we put on small skits, dance, sing, and thoroughly entertain each other. O f course there were those of us who explored the Salamanca night life. I have danced like I haven't danced in over a year. My two favorite dance partners are my Spanish sister, Laura and a lovely man named, Joan.

As a teacher I was thrilled and intrigued on how these adults went about learning English. Some were very concerned with grammar while others just wanted to know that they could speak and be understood. I completely understand all this because I had just spent the three previous weeks wandering around Spain where I was desperately trying to learn the language.

During this week I've learned a lot about communication. First, a person doesn't really need perfect grammar to communicate. Second, it is imperative that a people listen closely to each other...this goes for people even when they are speaking the same language. Finally, communication is more than talking. It is facial expressions, tone of voice, and use of body language. These are all things I've known as I've taught many students who don't speak English...the difference is this is the first time I have really been on both ends of the learning to communicate part.

Like I said before the Spaniards I met have totally enriched my life. I cannot begin to express how blessed I feel by meeting them. Of all the Anglos, I was one that was a bit different...the reoccurring theme of me not "fitting". But you know what? These people just accepted that I didn't fit and loved me for it.

Just like the feeling I had in the mountains...I can go back to Virginia and be at peace with "not fitting". I like that I don't fit, and I know that I will continue to bring people into my life who appreciate me simply for who I am.

Three Strange Days...

2009-07-18T13:23:00.000-04:00

There's a song by School of Fish called, "Three Strange Days" that keeps floating in my brain. In the last three days I've been to 3 different cities in Spain - Leon, Valladoild, and Avila. I must say these are the strangest days yet.

First of all this part of Spain is much different in goegraphy. I'm in the middle of what I would consider the desert. No more lush green mountains with bubbling rivers or sprawling beaches. It is dry, hot, and desolate. I'm reminded of many days driving through west Texas and I kept thinking I was going to see dead armadillos in the street....to get that reference you must drive through west Texas.

Leon was a pretty cool...the best wine I've had yet. Yet there's a certain depression that I felt there. Like people are just going through the motions of life. I was in Leon with a friend and we spent a very drunken night eating various tapas at many bars. What was VERY cool was that whenever you order a glass of wine they give you a tapas for free...on my budget this fits in quite nicely. I ran the next morning along the river...I was REALLY HUNGOVER so in order to not throw up I did like the people of Leon...I just went through the motions. Definitely not one of mybetter running experiences.

Valladolid...which I still cannot pronounce correctly, was next. If you've ever been to Los Angeles and visited The Grove at Farmers Market, then you've visited Valladolid. Very much like Leon in the layout of the city, but very pristine, very upscale. Got completely hosed at dinner and was over charged...having one day, I didn't have a chance to figure out where the locals dine...thus spending entirely too much money for a meal. I was glad to be leaving on the early train.

Avila is a walled city that was built in the 1400's or so. The train trip to Avila went through the middle of nowhere...just barren land with dead grasses. Suddenly this great wall appears on the horizon and you've arrived in Avila. My friend, who I was traveling with at the time, booked us at a very inexpensive hostel. Come to find out this hostel is a refuge on the Comino de Santiago. I never lived in a college dorm room...now I can say I've slept in a college dorm room. Literally, this was a dorm room. Can I just tell you the smell of mold was really, really BAD...so bad in fact that I went and bought a candle to light just to cover up the smell. Walking around Avila was a bit depressing. The people just seem sad. I guess I would be too if I lived in a walled city out in the middle of the desert.

My friend and I are a bit financially challenged at this time so we went to the grocery store and bought fixings for salad a couple bottles of cheap wine and had a picnic on the floor of our dorm room...we listened to music and I ran, danced, and sang down the empty hallways...was one of the best meals on my trip.

I have one more week left in Spain. I am spending it in Salamanca teaching English to adult businessmen and women. Right now I feel like my journey here hasn't even begun to be finished. I'm trying not to think about going home. Just keeping myself in the moment. I was told last night that if, "You think about tomorrow you always live in a dream, but if you live in the moment you live THE dream." That is a rough quote as I'd had a bit of wine, but that just about says it all....

Oviedo, Spain...Who Knew?

2009-07-14T18:32:00.001-04:00

When I arrived in Oviedo two days ago I was a bit overwhelmed. This is a "big" city compared to Cangas de Onis and the mountains where I had spent the last five days. All of a sudden I felt like a fish out of water. This was strange as I live and lived in cities most of my adult life, but my feeling of "not fitting" came full force.

Oviedo is a very charming city and the old district reminds me a lot of San Francisco. I explored as I have been doing right away when I come to a new spot on this journey. There's an old cathedral in the center of town. I went in and got the strangest vibe. I think people must've been tortured or accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake here or something. I got the hell out of there fast.

I ventured out around 8:00 pm to look for somewhere cheap to eat. I'm never sure where to go when I'm on my own. I found many resturants where couples or families were having dinner or drinks, but those kinds of places really make it apparent that I'm on my own. I then discovered this bar/resturant where people were hanging at the bar eating tapas...perfect. I ended up staying for the entire evening as I suddenly felt as if I "fit" here.

At the bar I chatted up this old guy who told me he was a "politco", which for us Americans is the equivalent of a councilman. I've gotten used to having conversations in broken Spanish and asking the people I'm talking to to speak slowly. My friend, the "politco" introduced me to his other "politco" friends.

Starving, I ordered a salad and sat down to eat at a table next to two women. It was like I was having dinner with two old friends as they began asking me questions and including me in their conversation. I just "fit"...who knew?

After a bit a male friend joined the ladies. Javier was very tall and very handsome and spoke some English. He was quite charming and I was quite taken with him. He wrote me a Haiku poem and asked if I would be his "Virginia girlfriend". I felt like I was in some strange romance novel and was loving every minute of it. The romance of it all seemed to just go from various fantasies in my mind to the reality of the moment.

All of a sudden after six hours of being overwhelmed by Oviedo, I had a group of friends I was hanging out with. I had a great dinner, which was totally paid for my my "politco" friends, who had left by this time, and had left me with this wonderful suprise of paying my bill.

I went to Gijon (pronounced he-hon...make sure it is said correctly as the Spanish get a little insulted if it is mispronounced) the next day to the beach. This was my last chance to see the ocean while in Spain as I go inland today. It was a perfect day and I felt such a lightness to my soul. On the bus ride back to Oviedo I decided to email Javier and ask him out for a drink that evening. I didn't even know if he would respond, but was thrilled when he called me a couple hours later.

We met at 10:00. Javier is an attorney here and seems to know many people in town. I would describe him as "connected" and he introduced me to various characters who seemed to emerge from a David Lynch movie....to quote a friend of mine. I must admit it felt really great to be paid attention to by a man...what I mean to say a man who is my age, intelligent, that I was extremely attracted to, and was just right there in the moment with me. I have not experienced that in quite a while.

For dramatic affect I could say we went to his apartment and made mad passionate love all night, but that wouldn't be the truth. Even being the risk taker that I am, I wouldn't go to someone's home that I didn't know. However, the night did progress and I found myself "being with" this man in the most enjoyable way...

I'm not sure how to explain this, but at age 44 I think it is important for a woman to feel sexy and attractive to the opposite sex - or the same sex if that is what she is into. Last night I felt both sexy and attractive, and for the first time in quite a while it "fit" to touch someone and be touched and kissed. It was perfectly in the moment. No strings, no "what's next", no worries. I felt ALIVE in a way that I haven't felt for months...I came - no pun intended - in his universe at the most "fitting" time...Javier, thank you for that.

And Furthermore With the Letting Go Stuff....

2009-07-13T13:06:00.000-04:00

This is my last night in Cagnas de Onis, Espana...the small mountian village where I've been for the last five days. I'm sitting here in my favorite bar, Ca'Melan. Yes people, I have a favorite bar in this little town. It is my favorite because the wine is very cheap, they serve free peanuts, and I can poach access to the Internet for free. Plus there's this great bartender named, Hannah.

Hannah is from Finland and came to Spain to attend culinary school. She's a chef but working at Ca'Melan as a bartender. She told me that she came to Spain and didn't know the language at all and was forced to learn very quickly in order to get through school. I greatly admire this as it takes a huge amount of courage to go to school not knowing the language...talk about putting oneself into a challenging situation. I hope to visit the resturant that I know Hannah will own someday.

It was a bit rainy today, quite different from the last four days of sunshine...I didn't really mind. I decided to go into another village called Covadonga which is about 12 km away...that's about 7.2 miles for my American friends. The bus ride took me up into the mountains even further than I already was.

The village of Covadonga is basically a really big church that dates back to the 1600's. I went into the church and just sat for almost an hour being quite overwhelmed by the vastness and dare I say it, the presence of a higher being. I must say that I became quite emotional and just sat and cried silently for the entire hour.

At first I wasn't sure why I was crying. I'm not very religious, although I do believe in "God" and the power that comes with a higher power. I think now that the tears were a much needed release of things that will not be and for the things that were. This is truly letting go, and I'm glad I was in such a place to come to this realization. Glad because I was in the middle of nowhere, by myself, not "fitting", and I was at peace.

How long this peace will last I'm not sure, but in that moment I told myself that I needed to remember this always...especially when I get back to Virginia.

I also cried for the life that is to come. I know that the life that is coming for me is to be the most wonderful yet. I guess I've always known this...as I get older my life only gets better and better...I just have to keep the faith that this in fact is TRUE. Am I a little scared? OK...I admit it...I am...but I can look fear in the face and walk right through it. This has always been my nature...this is what I have done time and again and I will continue to do so...bet YOU didn't know that back-story, did you?

Fear of what, you ask? Of being alone...of never being loved. For me this is the biggest obstacle I've always faced, what I've always run from or run to, which every way you choose to look at it. I guess it is time to let that go as well...or at least begin to let it go...because there's really nothing to be afraid of...I've been alone, and I haven't shriveled up and died, have I?

Even more, I realized to a greater degree in that church that it wasn't only me who didn't "fit"...it was BOTH of us who don't "fit" with each other...and that's ok...I grew by leaps and bounds during that year and someone else will benefit from that growth...what a lucky guy he will be! I think that in life we encounter people who are supposed to be there in order for us to grow and continue.

I think my visit to these mountains of Spain have been the most significant time of my journey so far. I've met some great people, but more importantly I've met a side of myself that I didn't think really existed. On my hike Sunday, Maribel, one of the women in the group I was in told me she thought I was, "valiente". This means "brave" in Spainish. I've been told this before, but never really considered myself brave. I see this now in myself...not to be conceited...but I realize that I've got some "balls". I may not always "fit", but I can be proud of who I am.

I walked back to Cagnas de Onis from Covadongo - the bus wasn't coming for another hour an a half - I became unbearably restless so I decided to walk the 12 km/7 miles back to town. I didn't cry on the walk...I felt so strong and alive and totally marvelled in the beauty of Northern Spain as I treked through tiny village after tiny village. I'm sure the locals were thinking, "Muy loca turista, cambina!" - "Crazy tourist walking!" OK...so I'm a bit crazy...whatever.....

What Does It Mean To Let Go?

2009-07-11T13:29:00.001-04:00

I was asked recently if my trip to Spain was about me running from my life in Virginia. To be completely honest I would have to say that, yes, on some level I am running from my life, but not in the way you would think. I've spent my entire life not "fitting" anywhere. In California that was ok because no one really "fits" there and I gained a certain peace in that knowlege. My move to Virgina was based solely on my need to grow as a person. I felt that leaving my comfort zone of California would do just that. Have I grown? Yes. Do I "fit"? Absolutely not, and I've had a difficult time finding peace in that fact.

It is quite ironic because here in the montains of Spain I definitely do not "fit". There are really no Americans in this place. In fact, today I went on a hike through the mountains with a group of Spanish people who didn't speak English, and I don't speak very good Spanish. Talk about not "fitting". However on this journey I keep thinking that if I can find some peace in not "fitting" here, I can find peace in not "fitting" in Virginia. Or at least I can LET GO of the fact that I don't "fit" and finally have a complete life...fuck I don't know.

I'm not saying that I haven't met some incredible people in Virginia, I have. These are people I would consider good friends and who've accepted the fact that I don't "fit" and seem to like me anyway.

Over the course of the last year I met someone who told me that I "fit" in his life. That I was WANTED in his life. Not wanted in a marriage sort of way, but in a special friendship way. I was told this time and again. Being a person doesn't really trust, it took me most of that year to really believe what he said was TRUE. I don't think he even knows the extent or how long that I didn't believe what he was saying was in fact true. Because of this I was very careful to stay completely in the moment and never question "what's next" or "where we were going". Quite frankly that would've been too much for me to handle...staying in the moment was enough.

The completely fucked up and ironic thing is that once I did TRUST and BELIEVE that I "fit" I was hit with the fact that I didn't "fit". That what was said to me wasn't really what he meant. That I was the one who "talked him into being with me." Gosh, I didn't know I had such power!

On my hike today I thought a lot about "fitting" and "trust" and finally about letting go. One thing I do know is that I will probably never "fit" according to society's standards, and that's fine with me, I like who I am and the fact that I "beat my own drum". As far as trust goes...I trust myself first and foremost, and with that I will be able to trust another person.

Letting go of it all moving on and just "being" is the hard part, but I'm on the right path...or at least I hope I am on the right path. I do know that the things I was told - very personal things that I would NEVER share - not even in this blog are not about me and that I didn't "fit. Truth is I did "fit"...come on I was told this time and again there has to be SOME truth in that...again, I don't have THAT much power over another. The truth can be scary...believe me I know this better than anyone. Some day that will be realized, but to quote a Semisonic song, "Too late, I'm done waiting, I won't be here in another life."

Letting go with light and love and being thankful for the experience...having another life..."fitting" or not...hmmmm....I like the sound of that.

2009-07-09T13:11:00.001-04:00

Leaving the gloom of Somo was extremely nice. For a surfing town I was so suprised at the atmosphere. It is like the people's bodies have been invaded by sad body snatchers who are determined to suck the life out of everything and everyone around them. The one bright spot was chatting up two surfer boys from Holland. Sven and Olaf were just as disallusioned with Somo as I was.

After leaving Somo I spent one night in a small fishing village called San Vicente de la Barquera, which was a complete turn around. People were actually alive and smiled just for the sake of smiling, which was a breath of fresh air.

I had to take two buses to arrive at my next stop, the town of Cagnas de Onis in the Picos de Europas. This is a lovely little village in the mountains. There are many excursions I can go on such as floating down the Sella River in a canoe and going on a hiking trip. The thing that scares me the most is the canoe trip, which is what I'm planning to do tomorrow. This should be an adventure as I'm not the best swimmer in the world. Thank God they will provide me with a life jacket.

On the bus ride here I kept thinking to myself what is it that I'm doing out here in Spain all by myself. What is it that I'm hoping to discover? I've traveled alone before...hell - I'm alone most of the time in my life in Virginia. I am trying to really focus on keeping myself in the moment...whether the moment is thrilling or challenging, but I'm questioning what is it that I'm supposed to do out here. I know there is something, and I guess two weeks into this trip I've become a bit impatient.

I know what I'm hoping will happen. I'm hoping that my life in Virginia will change. That I won't be alone so much. That maybe I'll make some friends that I will hang out with - you know like go to the movies or go for dinner, that type of stuff. Do I want to find love? Of course, that would be wonderful. Fuck, that sounds so clique - I want a boyfriend - whine, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah. There's more than that, though. I don't want to be like so many women I know...middle aged and ALONE...isn't it time? Haven't paid enough dues to earn campanionship? Sheesh...come on...

A friend of mine says I will be back in California, that I should focus on getting myself there. I think he is wrong. If I go to California all will be the same, I must deal with what I need to deal with in Virginia before I can truly move forward in my life. This I know for sure.

For now, I'm going on a canoe down a river tomorrow and the next day I will go on some crazy hiking trip...this is truly staying in the moment...a donde la supermercado? I'm hungry!

Wet and Drippy....Oh My!

2009-07-06T10:39:00.000-04:00

It is my second week in Spain and for some reason rain keeps following me. I'm currently in Somo a small surfing island off the town of Santander. I experienced simliar dreary weather while in San Sebastian the last 4 days. I must admit I'm feeling a bit blue.

San Sebastian is a beautiful little fishing town that has taken advantage of the tourist trade. My hostel was just OK. The owner, Jon, was a little abrupt and didn't really give me that warm and cozy feeling. He seemed to not like the fact that my Spanish is on the level of a two year old...

oh well at least I am trying to learn, right?

La Playa de Concha - the beach in San Sebastain was spectacular and for two of the four days that I was there I took advantage of relaxing, reading, and working on my tan. I met a beach bum who invited me to smoke some pot, which I readily agreed to...gotta live in the moment. I found out later that Juan is really a homeless guy who lives on the beach. I discovered this when he asked me for a euro so he could get some food. I was immediately creeped out and got the hell away from him. How in the world did I attract someone like that into my universe?

I later met a bartender named, Manuel, who graciously gave me free drinks and tapas for the evening. He was kinda cute in a short guy way, so I ended up kissing him. This is the first time I've kissed anyone since, well, you know - HIM! I feel as if some ice has been broken. Like OK...I can kiss someone else and enjoy it. Did I use Manuel for free food and a kissing experiement? Maybe - but the universe provides what is needed at the right time.

So here I am at Playa de Somo. In the drippy weather. I sure hope it is sunny tomorrow. This wetness really is playing with my head. I feel the darkness. I've been running, rain and all, most mornings, which is keeping much of the darkness at bay. However, with this weather not many people are around and I'm feeling all alone this sleepy surfer town. The ironic thing is that one of my best friends in the world is with me for these three days.

I normally would be fine feeling a bit lonely. I mean come on, I just spent the entire winter feeling more alone that I thought imaginable. Except I go to the mountains in two days where I'll be spending five days by myself. So there is this spark of fear that I will isolate myself. I have a hotel room to myself - DANGER APPROACHING - I must not isolate as that will completely defeat my entire purpose of this trip. First step in avoiding isolation? Research all there is to do while in the mountains...keep AS BUSY AS POSSIBLE...and come hell or high water be with groups of other people.

As I'm running I see joy and love and togetherness coming into my universe. Thought means action, right? As difficult as this may be right now...my thoughts must remain as such...joy, love, and togetherness with others, not to mention laughter. Many people in my life told me that I would find some hot Spanish men and I would be making out or having sex or the like. I don't know two weeks into the trip and I'm finding that even though it would be nice to find some love; and definitely satisfy that physical part that hasn't been paid attention to in a long time, I'm thinking it would be really awesome to meet people or someone to have a great conversation with...I really miss that connection...fuck this is making me very emotional...snap out of it, Gracie, for fucks sake you're on vacation!

My friend who is traveling with me these 3 days says this lonely feeling is normal when a person travels by themselves. He's been doing it for the last six months. I haven't really shared with him that I feel that scary darkness coming. We talked about HIM last night...I should've changed the subject because I think that is what has sparked this feeling. My friend called HIM a pussy...this is true, in many ways he is a pussy...he ran...pussy move in my opinion...but well you know how I feel/felt about HIM and it is really hard to hear another person speak with such blatant honesty. It seemed to make that empty space feel even bigger and I suddenly felt really lost on what to do in order to fill it up.

Again...fucking snap out of it, Gracie! Put on that happy face...go out and smile...YOU'RE ON FUCKING VACATION!!!!

Freedom or Something Like That...

2009-06-28T09:04:00.001-04:00

My two best friends told me that this trip to Spain would change my life. That I would experience things that would give me not only a new insight into life, but a sense of freedom that I've never had before. They were right.

We must start with two of roommates, Inas and Simon. They are from Solvania and are boyfriend and girlfriend. Inas is an account and a "big girl" model. Simon is a little skinny dude getting his PHD in mechanical engineering. Inas is definitely the dominate one in the relationship. Yesterday she ordered Simon to "come to her". I left the room for a minute and then returned, there was Inas naked and on top of Simon. I didn't know if I should call for help, but he wasn't crying, so I mumbled something like, "Sorry" and left hoping they wouldn't see that I was embarrassed and a little grossed out.

Today is the Barcelona Gay Pride parade. Last night there was a pre-parade in the neighborhood. It was very festive and I followed the parade for a while taking pictures. There were drum groups dancing, topless lesbians dancing on the back of a truck, and young men in various skirts flitting down the street. Each and everyone of them totally comfortable and at peace with who they are. I had the feeling that I could've taken my clothes off and danced in the street and no one would've said a thing. What was truly amazing and so different from the United States is that the people watching didn't really care who was gay or straight...it was a celebration of diversity as I think all things should be - people just accepting each other as they are.

As the evening wore on I walked down to the Barre Gotic and found myself in this local pub where I ordered a sangria. There were various tapas and I asked the man next to me what was what. He's on vacation as well from Galica. Pedro and I talked for the longest time to each other and to a couple next to us eating mini octopus - which they let me taste....little fishy and I couldn't look at the little head has I was biting it off. Of course these people are talking Spanish and I'm only understanding about a fourth of what they are saying.

Pedro and I walked around for hours stopping here and there for drinks at different bars. Finally at about 1:00 in the morning we parted ways. I know I will never see this man again, but what a lovely treat to meet and talk to a person like an old friend even if it is only for a few hours.

My roommates were waiting up for me when I got back from the hostel. I walk into the room to hear Inas yell, "Gracie! We were worried about you! Where were you?" Normally this would irritate me with people I know, but with these people it felt kinda good to know these strangers were thinking of me.

I saw the Mediterrean Sea today. The beaches in Barcelona are PACKED to the point that a woman didn't think anything of putting her big feet up against my head. Being a bit hung over from my bar hopping with Pedro, I lasted about an hour on the beach and took the train over to Sagrada Familia where I snuck in the backway to a small mass service that was going on - I have no idea what the priest was saying as he was speaking Spainish, but the quiet church combined with his deep voice sent chills through me - I'm not Catholic, but God does come in all different ways and he and/or she was at that service today. As Pedro would say, "Very Nice!"

OK...I'm In Barcelona

2009-06-26T15:39:00.000-04:00

Arrived in Barcelona this afternoon. The trip here was pretty cool. It is so interesting how the universe works. Sitting right next to me on the plane is another teacher, exactly the same age as I am. She is from Maryland. She is on her way to Madrid to teach other teachers how to incorporate opera into their regular curriculum in order to provide an alternative way to teach. She talked about how she's had to struggle with her administration to be able to accomplish her goals and dreams...sounds kinda familiar. We exchanged emails.

The whole packing thing for going to Spain for a month was a bit of a disaster. I have a backpack that I thought I would use. So after packing the backpack I discovered that it was bigger than I am and there was no way I would be able to schelp that thing all over. I actually tipped over...not a pretty sight. So I changed to a duffle bag. A bit bulky, but at least I'm not knocked over from the overwhelming weight of my luggage....keep in mind I'm not really bringing very much stuff....I will be doing a lot of laundry on the road. All is good checking my luggage. When I arrive in Barcelona I discover that my bag has been randomly searched, the lock gone, and to top it all off...it is really heavy as I walk to the train.

I get to the train and I find no ATM machine to withdrawl Euros. I go to the ticket window and to my suprise the dude says, "Sorry, so American money." There's a cute Austrailian guy in back of me who pays my fare. We are going to the same stop and chat the whole time. He could be my son I think, but is very cute, and thank God he had the $2.00 to pay my train fare. After getting off the train we part ways saying the, "Maybe we'll see each other," knowing we won't. I walk the 2 miles with the REALLY heavy backpack to my hostel. I'm soaking wet with sweat by this time. I realize that I MUST buy some sort of rolling bag tomorrow!

I meet Adrian the guy who checks me in at the hostel. He is very nice and VERY young...only 20 years old. I begin to think nasty thoughts...Must back off...my God...he can be my son. This is totally my hormones and the drinks I had early talking. He says, "Gracie, I love you." How would it be to kiss this very young person? OK...enough of that...it is entirely too early in the game to be going there.

I think about HIM...the broken heart guy. I guess I should stop calling him that. I saw him last night (or was it night before last...now sure with the time changes). He's holding my house key for me "just in case". We haven't seen each other since January, and talked for about an hour or so. It was nice to see him. It felt good to talk with him. As I've said before he always gets me and just as accepts me for who I am. I wonder if he thought it was nice to see me or if he was just feeling guilty or thought, "here let me throw this girl a bone and hold her house key." I really hope he thought it was nice to see me as well. It seemed to close a door for me, which is good. Not that we won't ever go anywhere again...just closed a door on the ugliness and the hurt. I think that was needed before I proceeded with this adventure.

I have 5 roommates at my hostel. Three from Solvania and two from Poland. I'm the last to check in and the bed Adrian gives me belongs to Inas from Solvania. She moves my stuff to another bed. OK that's cool. Then Olga (not her name, but a very large woman from Poland) tells me that the bed Inas moved my things to belongs to her. The LAST bed is the top bunk...so guess who gets it? You got it ME! I feel like I'm at sleep away summer camp.....

So here I am, my first night in a hostel. A little drunk, but pretty pshyched that I had a good day and met some reallly neato people. I'm not really sure what this whole adventure has in store for me, but I guess I'm going to find out! Like I've said befoe the universse is a very cool palce to be and will only lead me to places that I must experience.

School's Out

2009-06-23T17:44:00.000-04:00

Summer. For a teacher this is the transition time. The end of one school year, a break, then preparing for another school year. Usually the end of the school year is filled with fun, laughter, and joy as the students move on...especially in my case as my 6th graders move on to middle school.

For me the last week of school was filled with emotion, confusion, and some shame. I'm usually emotional at the end of the school year, but this year I knew that I wouldn't be back at this school...and the students knew...we both reacted...I was emotional and they were little disrespectful assholes. Every chance they had they said something hateful or used curse words, or just did what they wanted, which made me be a bit mean to them...all got calmed down and by Thursday, the last day, we all were one big loving family.

There was some confusion for me as I didn't understand why my principal was such a nasty bitch to me. It was the last week, I'm leaving the school, couldn't she just be respectfully civil? I didn't get it, and quite frankly I didn't deserve it. Knowing that this is my principal's issue, I should've just ignored it. Well, I'm a child sometimes and this time I retaliated...I left on the last day without finishing cleaning my classroom. I knew this was wrong...this is where the shame comes in. I planned to come in the next morning to finish, but didn't tell anyone, I just left. Not exactly the best choice on my part.

My principal assumed I wasn't coming back, and began to discredit me to the other teachers. She then threatened to call my new principal and tell him that I didn't clean my classroom. Of course my principal never had the balls to speak to me directly, which would've been the adult thing to do...she talked behind my back and made it so that many of the other teachers at that school don't want to ever see me again. I understand I created this...I take responsibility...and went through beating myself up before I finally forgave myself...by the way I did come in the next day and finish cleaning my classroom.

I am very grateful that I don't have to go back to that school, and I'm very thankful for the things I've learned. I've learned about teaching, but I've also learned how to work within an elementary school...which can be so viciously scary for a "real" west coast girl like myself. But I'm ready to move on...SO READY!

Leaving for Spain on Thursday!

I'm Hating Being a New Home Buyer

2009-06-15T19:11:00.000-04:00

So I didn't get the condo I bid on this weekend. I know I shouldn't have gotten myself emotionally attached to this place, but I did...that's just what I do. I sometimes foolishly put my heart into things...and quite often I get my heart stomped on. Usually it's someone I'm romantically involved with doing the stomping...this time it's a cold hearted listing agent and and even colder seller...Freddie Mac.

I'm not sure if I have the stomach for this home buying process. I find the PERFECT place and then someone else offers more money and I'm left out in the cold with nothing but tears to fill my evening.

Since January I have had my heart literally crushed over and over again. First, the person I loved more than I've ever loved anyone just up and decides that we are not going to be together. At the same time the principal at my school decides that I'm her next victim and repeatedly writes me up for reasons fabricated in her mind and I can do nothing but take it up the ass. Now, just when I'm getting past all that, I can't seem to get a seller to sell me a home in a neighborhood where I won't get mugged or raped going to my door.

I don't want a lot in life. I don't need extravagant things. Just a place to call my own, a job at a school I love, and someone to share my life with. That's not a lot to ask. I'm a good person. I don't fuck people over, I don't waste my money, I pay my bills on time, and I try my best to be kind to everyone...so why does it seem that all I do is bang my head against a wall only to be disappointed again and again. I feel like such a loser...did I do something really horrible in a past life that I'm paying for now??

I leave for Spain next week. I should be excited, but I'm not. I'm actually scared that I'm making the wrong choice and that I should safely stay in my apartment all summer long. If I did that I would be even more miserable. So off I will go trying to heal my heart that has yet again been trampled on.

What really sucks is that the only person I want to call right now is the person who probably wouldn't even talk to me, which would tear me up even more. I can imagine the conversation now. Me emotionally trying to connect with him and he doing everything he can to not connect...a match made in heaven.

The books tell me that a woman of my age questions everything and often wonders if she had made the right decisions. I'm asking myself that right now. My perimenapausal hormones are fucking with me yet again. I surely didn't think that I'd be ALONE at age 44, buying my first home, and starting brand new at a school that I'm desperately hoping the administration will like me not only as a teacher, but as a person.

People tell me I'm tough, that I can handle anything given to me...well I don't feel so tough right now. Right now I feel weak and sad, and very alone....Good Times!

Home Buying Highs

2009-06-13T17:48:00.000-04:00

So this finding a home to buy has been an interesting experience. I found one place and even put an offer in. The entire process was so unbelievably emotional I cried for two days and had no sleep. I never imagined that my emotions would go so nutty. It wasn't like I was attached to the place...I was just really SCARED! Buying a home is a HUGE commitment and honestly I never thought I would be doing this on my own.

After putting in the offer I waited, and finally found out today that the seller accepted another buyer. This flood of relief filled my entire being. Not because I didn't want the place, but because I found another place that I liked better and was such a better situation for me and my life style.

The economy being what it is, I found a foreclosure owned by Freddie Mac. A two bedroom condo that was surprisingly in good condition. When I looked this morning the placed desperately needed paint and new carpet. OK...fine...I can do that. Not even four hours later I am out running errands and I decide to drive buy the condo. There's a guy doing work inside so I go in...the place has been painted, new carpet layed, and new hardwood floors going in the living and dining room. The universe just gave me a tremendous gift...for that I am eternally grateful...I've been a very good girl!

My realtor spoke with the listing agent and no one else has expressed interest...the price is about $30,000 less than the comps for the area...again...thank you UNIVERSE!!! On top of everything, my payment is about $200 less than my current rent! So with NO FEAR I've put in an offer...this time there's no emotion...ok some excitement...but no tears...my gut tells me this is the right thing to do and that this place is so mine!

I'm still on my own in this decision. I do wish I had someone to go look with me and give me opinions, but being by myself is my reality right now. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be.

So now is the waiting game, then the inspection. The place is sold "as is" since it's a foreclosure. So will be holding my breath for a couple days. The adventure continues.

I'm Now a Property Virgin...Who Would've Thought?

2009-06-08T20:22:00.000-04:00

The American dream is to be a homeowner, isn't it? A place to call your own where you can paint, have a pet, and deduct interest off of your taxes. Yep...the American dream. Well at age 44 I'm about to embark on an adventure of a lifetime.

If you knew me, you would know that actually settling down for a minute and buying a place is not only an adventure, it is probably one of the most "grown-up" things I've ever done. I've always had it in the back of my head that I could be such a grown-up, but my life has had so many ups and downs, both personally and financially that the reality of being "homeowner" has stayed well...in the back of my head.

Last Friday I got pre-approved for a mortgage. This means that I'm able to go and look for a place to buy. With euphoric enthusiam I armed myself with a competent real estate agent. I had already begun looking at listings on the Internet. My realtor sent me some addresses and on Saturday I did some drive-bys. Then reality set in. The affordable places I saw were well...in the most yucky, gross, and dark parts of town.

There were a couple places that didn't seem SO terribly bad so I asked my realtor to set up appointments so I could see the inside. My realtor informed me that these places already had contracts and were only accepting "back-up contracts." Are you kidding me???

In addition to the prospect of living in the ghetto, I found out today that I am not able to access my retirement funds. See, being a teacher I have to actually wait until I retire or quit to get money from my retirement accounts. I needed this money for the down payment. Of course I would payback the money with the $8,000 tax credit being provided by the federal government. In a perfect world the shitty economy can work in my favor...or so I thought...or should I say I MUST BELIEVE THIS TO BE TRUE.

I don't know why I thought this would be easy. So now the challenge is to find the perfect place at the perfect price, and to figure out how to get a down payment together. Right now I am feeling a bit discouraged...why can't this just be EASY???

Who am I kidding? Nothing worth while is ever easy...at least in my world it isn't. There's always lessons to learn. Intellectually I know this, but it doesn't help my feelings of frustration...and I've just started the process. The universe never gives us anything we cannot handle...I need to remember this.

There's just so much. The mortgage process alone is so confusing. My sister is a mortgage broker in another state and she's been coaching me. I appreciate this, however, I really don't understand many of the things she's talking about. Like her telling me the mortgage broker is charging me too much. What does that mean? How do I fucking know what these people charge...I know, Gracie, don't be an idiot...ask a million questions...that's what these people are there for. Mortgage brokers and realtors are making money because of me...I do have a right to ask as many questions as necessary...and I deserve to get as many answers as it takes until I understand the process completely.

Tomorrow the realtor and I are going to actually look at some homes for sale. My realtor wants me to be under contract before I go to Spain at the end of the month. In a perfect world I will find a place, put in a contract, go to Spain, and close when I get back at the end of July...LOL...My world isn't always perfect, but I guess that's half the fun...

Festival Aftermath

2009-06-03T20:07:00.000-04:00

So the wine festival was pretty fun. Over 250 Virginia vineyards were represented. Virginia is really great with the white wines and I bought 4 great bottles at a reasonable price. Not that I’m a huge drinker, but I do like a glass of wine now and then after a long day of teaching prepubescent sixth graders.

As I predicted I was the only single person in our group. That part wasn’t really the most awesome thing to experience. I realize the universe has a plan and I have to be at peace with and accept whatever situation comes my way. There were two women there with their husbands who were quite chubby. It amazes me how married women will often let themselves go…I mean they let themselves get fat and dumpy. If my, or should I say WHEN my marital status ever changes, and I allow myself the blow up like a balloon I hope someone kicks my ass royally. Yes folks, I’m a bit vain and I quite like it that at age 44 I can turn a head or seven.

Being the only single woman in our group brought many thoughts to my head – like what is wrong with me? Why doesn’t the guy I want not want me back? I’m a really extraordinary person to be involved with. I have my own life, I’m not clingy, I’m cute as hell, smart as a whip, and pretty fucking great in bed. So what’s the flipping deal?

I know it’s NOT me…it’s HIM…and all that rot. According to HIM, he has too much on his plate right now dealing with his life, and there is no room for a relationship. But we were together for a year and I never seemed to get in the way. He has me meet his family, children, we go on vacation, then a year to the date from when we start dating he tells me, “Oh, I’m not so sure about this – good bye.” Who fucking does that?

Funny, I also have a plate that is filled with life things. That is what happens to an adult – stuff just comes up – job, bills, goals, you know stuff. The cool thing about being with him was that he was a periodic escape from my life. A friend where I could just “be,” and not worry about too much else. I never demanded anything from him, except for us to be totally in the moment and enjoy each other. I never looked at or talked about what would happen in the future with us because I knew that staying in the moment was what would keep us both sane.

Another funny thing is that I’m going to Spain for a month this summer, and one of the last things he said to me was that he “Wishes we could do Spain together.” What he doesn’t know is that I didn’t want him to go. One of the “things” on my plate is that I need to have this adventure on my own – without him. I wonder if he knew that, would it bum him out. I think it might. I’m not sure he would understand my need to experience something totally new, something that scares me a little, all by myself. More on doing things that scare me a little later. I kept wondering how I would tell him so it wouldn’t hurt his feelings. I guess it doesn’t matter now, does it? We emailed the other day and he asked me about the trip, was I still going and when? I told him I was going at the end of June and would be gone a month – there was no response back. I wonder what he thought or does he even give a shit? Again, I guess it doesn’t matter.

On a completely different note, I met with a realtor today. I think I am in a position to buy my first home. See, there’s more to me than just pining over some dude who doesn’t realize that I’m perfect for him. Just thought I should throw that in – in case you thought I was only one dimensional.

Wine or Whine?

2009-05-28T19:23:00.000-04:00

I’m going to a wine festival this weekend with some friends from work. Great, right? It is great; I really like the people I’m going with. The only problem is that they are all married so I will sorta be the 5th wheel for this outing. Usually I’m OK with this, but I’m feeling a little strange. I’m that friend who isn’t attached, who is a great “catch”, but still without a “date”. This totally sucks! Being 44 years old and the friend without a date is…well…kinda depressing.

I never really thought I would be that “friend”. I know I should look at it like maybe I’ll meet someone who will knock my socks off…have an open mind and all that. That is the problem. I don’t really want someone else. I want the person I was with – remember the broken heart guy? He well checked out when his life got too tough. He and I have emailed back and forth a bit in the last month. I’m not sure if this means that we are friends. Email can be so safely impersonal. I must say that I loved being friends with him; he got me in a way that no one else ever has and appreciated my quirks unconditionally. I miss that the most. Part of me wants to call him and ask him to come with me to the wine festival.

I know that this feeling is just my hormones talking. Going through perimenopaus my hormones tend to heighten my emotions – especially during “that time of the month”. I’m trying to learn not to react to those feelings. You know like not call HIM or email HIM. Any contact right at this moment would be dangerous to my health – yes DANGEROUS! In normal life I’m an emotional person, but with the lovely gift of my hormones going completely wacky, I am thinking that taking such a risk would just set me up for a grave disappointment – like I just can’t take the risk of being rejected right now. This is so fucked up, because I’m normally thick skinned enough to take whatever comes into my world and not really be too affected by what others do or think. Lately, well…I sit and stew wondering why I don’t’ just go for it? You know, be that person who just looks at life and says, “Hey, go get you want.” What I want is to be with HIM – but that isn’t to be right now – so it’s the next best thing, find someone else to replace HIM.

Knowing what I want, I know that I must put myself out there, make some room in my universe for someone new to come in. Doing that means pushing HIM out of my head and heart. Easier said than done as my heart is fighting with my head and so far is winning battle after battle and keeping HIM front and center. But removing him from my universe is a necessity if I want to move forward. This was so much easier when I was in my 20’s or even in my 30’s. Then I just moved on…looking for WHO’S NEXT – you know? Why am I finding it so hard to cut HIM out of my world? Fucking hormones…I’m convinced they are out to get me. Maybe I just need to get good and laid…ok…hormones talking again.

Never being the girl to allow obstacles to get in my way, and always being the girl who will just go for it – I’ll be going to the wine festival with high hopes and the only expectation of having a festive time with some friends – but wouldn’t it be nice if some cute guy asks me for my phone number?

Self-Indulgent Arrogance

2009-05-25T14:49:00.000-04:00

There’s a song called “In Another Life” by a band named Semisonic…from their Great Divide album. Some of you may remember Semisonic…God I hope some of remember record albums. Semisonic released a CD, not a record album, but I tend to be a bit old school. Anyway, sometimes I think my path in life is to continuously be in another life. To keep reinventing myself, you know? Some may say this is a really spectacular…I myself think it is one of the best things about ME. However, as I’m getting older I’m thinking that this path that I’ve embraced is not turning out like I thought it would.

I’m asking myself why the need to write down my interpretation of life, for people to read. Part of me is like, “How arrogant. People don’t really give a rat’s ass about your thoughts on life.” Then, I think well…it’s not for other people it’s for ME…to shed all the crap, er…I mean, challenges, that have been thrown my way. Who am I kidding? I like the idea of people reading about my world…I think I have an interesting world. I am not a scientist, repressed accountant, or lonely housewife. I’m just a teacher at an elementary school.

So…what’s so fascinating about being an elementary school teacher? Why should you keep reading? Why don’t I just get a journal and write down all my inner thoughts? I don’t know…maybe it is my take on life. I have had more experiences that the average Josephine out there. I think I have something to say…so arrogant or not, I think it’s something that I should be doing. Plus…it is really therapeutic. Who knows, maybe I’ll be discovered as the next great writer. HA! Come on, stranger things have happened…

I don’t know maybe I’m going through some strange mid life crisis. I’m a 44 year old woman who has never been married and is perimenopausal…if that is not a freaking crisis I don’t know what is. I transplanted myself from Los Angeles to Virginia four years ago and still don’t feel like I’ve found a place to fit in. Last year at this time I was in love…but now I’m mending a bit of a broken heart…whatever, it happens…what do they say, “Better to have loved and lost…” Are you fucking kidding me? The broken heart part of my world is well…a work in progress that sometimes just sucks.

Today was the 6th grade car wash. The 6th grade classes do a fund raising car wash…oh, I teach 6th grade if you haven’t figured that out yet. This is the 3rd year in a row we’ve done it...the weather was beautiful…and the kids weren’t completely out of control…it was a pretty fun time. One of the dad’s kinda hung around and chatted me up…he’s a pretty handsome guy…although he can be one of those difficult parents, but I’ve gotten the vibe before that he thinks I’m pretty cute…today he solidified my prediction because he was very chatty…almost flirty. I definitely played back. I know…he’s married…and one of the dad’s, but I gotta tell you it felt pretty good to have a handsome guy who’s my age think I’m attractive. Before you get any inaccurate preconceptions about me…yes, I am 44, but I’m not one of those women who has allowed her ass to fall to her knees or her stomach to blow up into a rolling ball of mush. Actually I’m really cute…if I do say so myself.

Remember the broken heart part of my life? Well, since January I haven’t really felt very flirty…so today was pretty cool to first, find another man attractive, then feel that sexual tension… I think many women my age often think of themselves as nonsexual. That the time for being sexy has passed. I find that rather depressing because being this age I feel more sexual, more attractive, more open than I ever did in my 20’s or 30’s. However, like many things that I’ve found in this life the sexy girl in me takes constant work and a little reassurance now and then. Hey, maybe this means that my broken heart is on the mend…I mean I did have some naughty thoughts about a man other than the broken heart guy.

After the car wash I got in my car to go home I looked at my phone…no calls. One o’clock in the afternoon…and no one calls. This is where I have trouble with living in Virginia. I moved to California when I was 20 years old and didn’t know anyone. After 4 years of living in Los Angeles, I was in the music business, both in business and socially I had “people”…you know to hang out with. Four years of living here and I have some “work” friends that I may go have a drink with after work, but not a person that I can really call on the weekends to hang out with. It’s not as pathetic as it sounds. I think what really is affecting me is that the people that I know through work or even outside of work have another life outside of work - as they should - that I’m not a part of - and shouldn’t be… I don’t really have a “Virginia world” outside of school…I got no “people” here. I’m reading this and I’m thinking this sounds so disgustingly pathetic…it’s not really…I had some “people” or a person at least all last year…that was really nice…Intellectually I know change is on the horizon with going to the new school next year and this summer in Spain.

I’ve always been a person who goes through “alone times”. Days or even months at a time where the phone doesn’t ring much, and I’m not really invited out or even feel the desire to go out by myself. I should be used to it. The outcome of this accidental trip to Hermitsville is always such great growth and a tremendous amount of joy…I know this…but right now in this moment on Saturday of Memorial Day weekend where I’m by myself in my apartment…it is well…a little uncomfortable.

So I try to take advantage of the alone time. Do some growing. I think a lot! Thus the need to write it down in this public forum - the voices in my head are starting to get to me. This time of life is so full of those forks in the road. I've experienced many forks with the choices I've had to make this year. When I say year, I mean school year…I sorta live my life year from September to June…teachers do that. However lonely this alone time is right now, I know that great things are about to happen…ok I HAVE TO BELIEVE that great things will happen…if I believe, it is real, isn't it?.

I love this time of the school year - winding down. Only one more “test” to do…teachers work to test…didn’t you know that?? Knowing that I will be at another school next year alone has brought such a sense of peace and lightness to my life. I think now that it is almost the end of my time at my current school can I truly take a step out and look at what a negative place I have been in. I take total responsibility for my participation in my experiences at my current school, but never in my life have I encountered a group of people so bent on being mean for the sake of being mean. Even the music business at its most cut-throat is like a pie eating contest compared to working in an elementary school where people go out of their way to be spiteful to fill the mundane boredom that is their unfulfilled lives. I’ve never really been a “target” in my work place before. For the last 3 years I’ve been exactly that…and on top of it all I’ve been learning how to be a teacher…it feels as if I’ve gone through some great war and survived with only a few permanent scars. What's the clique - that doesn't kill you makes you stronger - right. Teachers know that feeling welcome in the school you work at is one of the most important requirements. Elementary schools especially can be very cruel places to work…populated mostly by women who are well…pretty bitchy and have nothing better to do than soothe their insecurities by making others miserable.

The search for a new school and then accepting the offer is so liberating that I am looking forward to the next 17 or so days I have left to teach at my current school. This week especially I’ve felt myself separate…you know completely disconnect, especially with the students. I know that I may not see many of them ever again. I won’t be there next year for them to visit…this is a bit sad…I like seeing my students come back…and I’ve had 4 classes of 6th graders go off to middle school. Maybe for me it is necessary to disconnect with cold ambivalence because if I don’t I may never leave…that’s what being a teacher does…or has done to me at least. Disconnecting in the unfeeling way that I’m doing gives me permission to have no regrets, and more importantly no ties to the children…it hurts less that way. Be that as it may, I know that this isn’t entirely fair to the students, and I’m searching for a way to make them feel warm and fuzzy as they leave elementary school without being too “attached”. I'll let you know how that works out.

Yep - definitely self indulgent this blog...